FɪʀᴇHᴇᴀʀᴛ

“Well..” Lou started, shifting to her side and pulling the covers tightly around her. It was awfully early for conversations.

“I wasn’t aware your tight circle was open to new additions.”

Mor looked at her sideways, seeming offended, Lou shrugged sleepily.

The High Lord’s inner circle tried to seem approachable and casual, and they were, to a certain degree: they would never ignore anyone who struck up a conversation with them at a party or at a bar _they hanged out quite often at the local bars and clubs_, they greeted locals and asked about their family and friends if they were familiar with them, they would stop and have a full conversation about the weather with anyone who wished so. But still, they remained untouched and best admired from afar. Lou didn’t think it was something they did on purpose or even were aware of, but it was there nonetheless. She, herself, didn’t like to get too close, only watched from a safe distance. She would have never even dreamed of attempting at anything resembling a small talk with Mor, had not the High Lord’s third approached her herself, quite tipsy and certainly flirting. That was over a year ago.

“We are if said additions are dear friends of ours.”

It clicked then. dear friends that was what Lou going as. She thought she’d be relieved at hearing that, she wasn’t. Not entirely. In fact, It annoyed her a little bit. What the hell was Mor planning?

Mor lifted one perfect eyebrow at the mirror questioningly, knowing that Lou was watching.

“Mor, I don’t think your family will appreciate new ‘dear friends’ on solstice eve. Who just brings a new friend they’ve never mentioned to solstice eve? For no reason?”

Lou realized she was blushing, quite fiercely. This whole conversation was not the best thing to have first thing in the morning with a pounding headache. She buried her face in the pillow.

“What? Well, silly…”

Lou didn’t lift her head from the pillow, even when Mor’s voice sounded closer as she made her way towards her.

“Of course they’ll appreciate meeting the person I'm seeing. I want them to meet you.”

Peaking with one eye at Mor, she was kneeling before the bed, smiling at Lou trying to keep a bright face but Lou knew better.

“Does the spymaster or the commander bring their lovers to family dinners often?”

“Lou,” Mor said in a resigned voice. If Lou was good at reading Mor, so was Mor at reading her, and she knew she was stalling.

Sitting up in the bed, Lou took a breath readying herself.

“Alright..” She ran a hand through her mess of hair before looking down at Mor.

“Mor, they’ve just… They have no idea that you prefer girls. Do you think this is the right way to approach it?”

The truth was, Mor had hidden her sexual preferences from her friends and found family for a very long time and even though they seemed like the sort of lot who would be completely cool with it, they simply had no idea. Perhaps they have never entertained such a thought because Mor had never alluded to it, she’d taken quite many male lovers and made sure to be public about it. So although they’d have no qualms with such a revelation, it would still take them aback, one of them was even in love with her for crying out loud.

Lou loved Mor to death- not that Mor knew that, but she still thought this was a thing Mor needed to do alone, and for herself. It was quite unfair to put her in the middle of it.

Mor had made it quite clear that her relation to Lou should remain a secret and Lou never minded. At the beginning, it was simply because she didn’t care much, now it was because it terrified her to be anything more than Mor’s secret lover and the why of that was something that she stubbornly determined not to think about.

“I just want them to meet you.” She sat on the bed beside Lou and reached for her hand, she held it gently then stared fixedly at it.

“I truly do. Sometimes, I have this maddening urge to just run to one of them and talk about you all day. It was just never the case before. I had managed to keep it a secret for so long, because I had never met someone who was as important to me, as they were” She looked up and met her eyes then, and Lou might’ve actually died there and then. She knew she would go, she knew she’d do anything Mor asked at that moment.

Mor reached and tucked Lou’s hair behind her ear, “I feel like there are these two parts of me that I’ve ripped apart and I’m constantly trying to keep as such and then, at moments when I’m brave and fearless, I wonder why so? I’ve been put into this cage, perhaps against my will, but now I am the very guard keeping me inside it.” she pulled both her hands from Lou and buried her face in them making a muffled sounded that might’ve been a ‘never mind’.

Lou was biting fiercely at her lower lip, she reached for Mor’s hands, pulled them gently from her face, and kept them in her own hands.

“Mor if it’s truly what you want, then I’ll come. Of course, I’ll come. I just don’t want you to do it because you feel like you have to.”

She leaned closer before Mor could say anything and kissed her softly. Lou was often hesitant about touching Mor, she’d want to, badly, but was so insecure about her inexperience, and also she never knew how to touch Mor, so she’d always leave it up to her to initiate the first touch. Not now though. Right now, she felt like she was the brave one, which surprised her a little bit because Mor was always so sure of herself, she was so good at putting facades, one never knew what was behind. It took a long time for Lou to be able to read her, and only because Mor would allow, at moments like this, to be seen unfiltered. So she kissed her again, and again until Mor melted into the kiss and leaned in to deepen it. Lou pulled apart, her head meeting the headboard of the bed, Mor followed, resting her forehead against her own, eyes still closed.

“You’ll come?”

“Yes, and get very drunk.” Mor huffed a small laugh and kissed Lou again.

“Thanks.” she opened her eyes “I should really get going. I’ll come by later, be ready at 7”

“Sure”

Lou watched her finish getting ready and leave, she then sunk in her bed and slept till noon.

 It wasn’t until Mor was leaving the townhouse, that she announced absently “Oh, and I’ll be bringing someone tonight, so save an extra seat, would you?”

They all stopped arguing about whatever it was they were arguing about and looked her way. Cassian was the first to speak, arms crossed against his chest. “Since when are we allowed dates? I have a string of lovers that I’d like to impress with a dinner invitation.” She snorted paying him little attention as she threw her scarf around her neck and went to get her coat.

“Let’s not kid ourselves, you wouldn’t be able to impress anyone if your life depended on it.”

She reached for the door before she had to hear any more of it.

“But Who is it!” Rhys shouted behind her. She kept walking.

Once a safe distance from the house, she stopped and leaned against the first solid object in her way, it was a lamppost.

“Fuck.” She gritted out to the ground. She had no idea what she was doing.

She’d been on edge the whole day. Finally, she decided not to have any physical encounter with another being until tonight happened. She had a solitary lunch at her place then, when found nothing to distract her, decided to go to Lou’s earlier than she was supposed to.

She had an extra key and had let herself in. Lou was sitting on her bedroom floor in her shift, facing her wide-open wardrobe.

“Alright, I might not be coming after all. I have nothing to wear!” she exclaimed in a slightly panicked voice. Mor walked to her and leaned down to kiss her.

“You know it doesn’t matter, right?”

This didn’t seem to reassure her and she furrowed her brows. Lou made all sorts of comical expressions when she was nervous which always made Mor want to kiss her all over. Sadly, she couldn’t always do it, and not necessarily because of her fear of being caught. Truth was, Mor wanted to touch Lou all the time. Lou blushed at almost anything, whether she was nervous, or embarrassed, or angry or shy, or just passionate about something, her immediate reaction to anything was blushing. She’ll get red circled high on her cheeks, or on the side of her neck, or her earlobes would turn completely red and it would take actual, significant willpower of Mor not to lean in and touch her lips to Lou’s skin. Lou also rarely got angry, she was the sweetest person Mor had ever met so it was a whole sight when she did allow herself to be upset about something, it was so adorable Mor would instantly forget whatever argument they were having. She also got nervous easily and would freak out about the silliest of things, like right now.

“But what does one wear to meet a High Lord and Lady.”

Mor placed a finger under Lou’s chin, tilting her head up to look up at her.

“Anything. You. Want” Mor said, her worries from earlier completely forgotten.

When Mor winnowed them to the High Lord’s townhouse, Lou was wondering if she could actually die from nerves. Her heart was beating so fast she was sure it would stop any minute. She looked at Mor, only imagining what she could possibly be feeling right now, but Mor’s eyes looked hollowed and empty. Lou pulled her closer. “All good?” Mor squeezed her hand

“No going back.”

Lou’s heart broke for her lover.

“We don’t have to, Mor. Seriously!” She said a bit desperately. Mor shook her head, swallowing.

“No, It’s not that. I want to do it, I’m ready. Doesn’t make me any less nervous.” Lou wanted to lean in and kiss her but she didn’t know how Mor would react to a kiss right now so she only pulled her into a quick, tight hug instead.

Tugging her along, hand still in hers, Mor lead them inside, and there they were. The most powerful people in the Night Court in one room. It didn’t seem to fit them. The commander Cassian was slouched on the couch, legs propped on the table, and talking to the High Lady, Feyre. if only focused on Cassian, one would think it was an extremely important conversation, but from Feyre’s expression, it looked about the silliest thing to be talking about. The High Lord of the Night Court stood at the opposite side of the room having a lively conversation with Amren and her lover while the spymaster stood next to him, carefully listening, they all had drinks in their hands. To say she was overwhelmed would be the understatement of the year.

“Everyone!” Mor greeted cheerily.

She didn’t know why, but in her head Lou fully expected Mor to drop her hand at that very moment, walk away and leave Lou to fend for herself, she was surprised when that didn’t happen. Mor didn’t let go of her hand.

Now everyone was looking their way, the slight buzz of conversation that had filled the room a moment ago slowly dying. Lou tried to keep a pleasant expression. She smiled friendly and waved her free hand.

“Hello,” she said in what she assumed was a light and cheerful voice.

“Everyone, meet Lou,” Mor said casually and went for the wine that was on the table.

“Lou this is everyone.” Lou smiled again at all the eyes that were fixed on her.

Everyone looked lost for words. The spymaster was looking at Mor as if she’d grown an additional head right in front of him. The High Lord tilted his head giving them both an assessing looking, a slight smile finally tugged at his lips. Cassian looked confused as though, surely he wasn’t understanding this correctly. Amren seemed completely uninterested in this whole situation. It was Feyre who spoke first, she hopped from her seat smiling warmly at Lou.

“Hello, I’m Feyre, lovely to meet you. Want some wine?”

Lou could’ve kissed her for that bit of normalcy.

“Lovely to meet you too. Thanks for having me” Lou shook the High Lady’s hand. “And yes wine would be great.”

Lou was focused on the task of taking the glass Feyre was offering without dropping it when Cassian said to Mor.

“I thought you said you were bringing a date.” Lou glanced at him, he was eyeing her, not in an unfriendly way but not welcoming either.

“Lou is my date.” Lou’s cheeks heated.

“This makes so much sense” Rhysand muttered to himself, as if satisfied.

Feyre rolled her eyes and said to Lou “Ignore them, they’ve all lost their manners somewhere on the battlefield.” At this Rhysand made his way to them and extended his hand.

“Rhysand.”

Lou stared at his hand. Was her High Lord offering a handshake? She somehow managed to shake his hand, nod, and give a small curtsy all at the same time.

“Do forgive my manners, my mate does make an excellent point. We have indeed thrown all of our manners down the drain,” this with a pointed look towards Cassian who didn’t move from his seat, only waved a casual hand in salute.

“Cassian, as I’m sure you’ve figured out by now.”

Lou nodded and smiled broadly. “Yes, I’ve actually heard a lot about you all. It’s a pleasure to finally meet you.”

Cassian, tilting his head and eyeing her, scoffed.

“Interesting, because we’ve actually never heard anything about you.”

It was then that Lou realized that she got her speculations about this evening all wrong. She hadn’t wanted to come because she had thought Mor was coming out to her family for her sake, that perhaps she had assumed Lou wanted to be introduced and meet the family and was doing this for her. Lou had simply not wanted to put that kind of pressure on Mor. She’d thought by refusing to come, Mor would come out at her own time. And when Mor still wanted to go with it, Lou was only nervous for her sake. How her family would react and how Mor would handle their reaction. It never occurred to her that she would be the one getting scrutinized and judged. If she was blushing before because she was nervous, now her cheeks burned from embarrassment.

“Cassian would you just shove it?” Mor answered for her, meeting Cassian’s eyes. For a long, while they held each other’s gaze, it was like an intense staring contest. Mor was the first to look away.

“Your house is very lovely,” Lou said to the High Lord and Lady, a weak attempt to lighten the mood. Feyre was more than willing to take it.

“Oh, you think so? Thank you.” she beamed, then continued as if the thought just occurred to her “Although it was all Rhys’s, I barely made any additions.”

“You do grace us with your art very often, Feyre darling,” Rhys answered looking down affectionately at his mate. She shrugged smiling at him. They made a very cute couple.

“Any of these are yours?” Lou asked scanning the paintings that decorated the house.

“Some of them,” Feyre answered hesitantly and blushed a bit pointing the pieces. Lou was seriously impressed.

“Oh wow, they’re exquisite!”

Lou said honestly then continued with Feyre about her art. Lou had the impression that Feyre didn’t enjoy much talking about her work, not in a rude way, perhaps she just considered it a private part of her, although she would get excited and passionately talk about one aspect or another if asked the right question. They continued the conversation only because it seemed like the only thing saving this evening like if they stopped the whole house would crumble around them. Mor was talking with Amren and Varian and would turn here and there to their conversation to supply a compliment about Feyre or her work or mention something about Lou.

“Oh, Lou took me to that art gallery too, and gashed about the exact same piece you wouldn’t stop talking about, Feyre” and would give them a look as if to say discuss. The conversation turned to Lou’s taste in art.

Lou loved art, mostly sculptures and the occasional paintings, but couldn’t create anything herself, so she only satisfied herself with reading a lot about it; it didn’t seem to make a difference and Feyre was interested all the same.

The night continued more or less in a bearable way. Once the initial shock was over and everyone determinedly avoided the topic at hand, they fell into what felt like their usual companionship, one they were all familiar with: sharing stories and exchanging banters. The spymaster hardly spoke all evening. Amren was a bit indifferent to Lou, but she felt that it was out of personality rather than anything having to do with her in particular. Cassian was still throwing jabs at Mor but ones that didn’t touch the subject, and she would respond to them with light-hearted vulgarities, she was trying hard to sound her usual casual self.

It wasn’t until dessert was being served that Rhysand asked Lou.

“So, how did you meet Mor?”

it was a light question, he was trying to be polite. But Lou didn’t know how to approach this. Was Mor willing to share? And how much? She didn’t want to make these decisions herself and wished Mor would spare her and answer the question. But Mor was sipping her wine, ready to let Lou take this by herself.

“Mmm at a party, through a mutual friend...”

“Not one I’m familiar with, I’m sure.” Cassian interrupted.

“Afraid not.” Mor’s answer was quick and equally snarky. An awkward silence followed, then Rhys asked, keeping the conversation going.

“You’ve known each other for a while?” Lou thought perhaps he wasn’t solely attempting a polite conversation and maybe he was as curious about Mor as Cassian, just less sour about it. Lou glanced at Mor, who sat right next to her, before answering. Mor kept her gaze fixed on her glass.

“A little over a year, I guess” Her answer was so hesitant, each word less sure than the one before. Mor looked up then and smiled warmly at her. Lou smiled back, grateful for the reassurance.

“A fucking year…” Cassian muttered under his breath, it was nevertheless audible to the rest of them. To Lou’s utter surprise, it was Amren who finally snapped.

“Boy, why don’t you just say what’s exactly your problem?” She stared Cassian down. Lou thought she’d be scared for her life if she were at the receiving end of that stare.

“Stay out of it, Amren.”

“Well I can’t, can I? Since you’ve decided to throw your tantrum now at dinner when we’re all here. So humor us.” Cassian’s eyes were fixed on Mor.

“Well, I’d just like for Mor to explain, to us all” he looked pointedly at Amren as if to show he was indeed including her in his business. “What is the fucking meaning of this.”

Mor leaned casually in her chair, her wine glass between her fingers, and held Cassian’s stare.

Lou was expecting Mor to answer with a temper that matched Cassian’s, but Mor’s voice came out soft and calm.

“The meaning of what? Me bringing someone I care about to meet you all?”

Cassian looked as if he wasn’t expecting Mor’s change of tone either, because he stared at her for a long while before he finally said, with equal softness.

“Is she a first?”

“No.”

“Why didn’t you say before?”

“I’m telling you now, aren’t I? isn’t that enough?”

Mor’s voice was breaking, Lou reached under the table and placed her hand on her thigh. Cassian stood, threw his napkin on the table, and walked away, then out of the house completely. Mor was frozen in her place, Azriel was staring at her, he hadn’t uttered one word to her this entire evening. Lou did not know what to do with herself. She truly just wanted to leave. It was a family matter and she felt like she was intruding on something private. She only needed Mor to tell her what to do. She didn’t want to leave Mor but she didn’t think Mor wanted her there either.

She cleared her voice, “I think, perhaps, I should be going…”

Both Feyre and Rhysand started to protest but it was the hand that clasped her wrist that kept her in her seat, she looked down at it then at Mor, who looked absolutely wretched.

“Don’t go.”

Lou settled back in her chair, her eyes not leaving Mor’s. Trying to read her face. She said in so soft a voice it was a mere whisper.

“Are you sure? I can see you later.” Mor was nodding before Lou even finished.

“Yes sure, positive.” Lou settled back in her seat, slipping her fingers through Mor’s, she squeezed hers back. Feyre sighed loudly.

“We’re usually more welcoming than that, sorry Lou… Oh, what is Lou short for by the way?”

“Eloise” she and Mor answered at the same time, then looked at each other and smiled. The smile on Mor’s sad face almost broke her heart.

The conversation slowly picked up, more about Lou then shifted to Amren then to Feyre’s new art studio.

 Mor was silent the whole walk back to Lou’s flat, she had her hands shoved deep in her coat pockets and was staring straight ahead. That left so much time for Lou to drown in her own thoughts. She couldn’t imagine what Mor could be feeling right now and she felt helpless. She wanted to be the kind of person who knew what to say or do, who would make Mor laugh and not feel so bad about tonight. She wanted, but she didn’t know how to. It was so easy to resume her silence, to convince herself she was helping by giving Mor space but that wouldn’t be entirely true, there was also a bit of selfishness to her silence. So she closed her eyes and actually tried.

“What do I say, Mor? Tell me how to make you feel better.”

Mor only shook her head and kept walking.

Once at her doorsteps, Lou turned to face Mor and made to reach for her but Mor was already turning to leave.

“I’m sorry about tonight, alright?”

“Mor there is nothing…”

“Good night.” Then she was gone.