Fandom Fireflies

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And so Gordon is in an abandoned apartment complex at midnight investigating fraud when the red helmeted menace first finds him. And then he just won’t go away.

Random envelopes with information appear on Gordon’s desk. The police department starts receiving extremely specific calls from crime alley. Red Hood is breaking into his house and asking for a number of previous autopsy reports because he thinks there might be a serial killer.

It’s a mix of shenanigans as Gordon tries to arrest Hood and Hood tries to be an irritatingly helpful asshole. Eventually Gordon realizes it's a far more effective use of his time to just distract Red Hood with detective work. Showing him old bodies prevents the creation of new bodies. Also Gordon just loses his mind a bit when he figures out Hood is 17 yrs old. An idiot child is a criminal mastermind and also outwits Batman regularly. 

Red Hood: I WAS WORKING ON A CASE IN YOUR KITCHEN AND THEN SHE CAME HOME-

Barbra, alarmingly on the same side of the call as RH: WHY ARE YOU IN MY HOUSE?

Gordon: why- what? Why are you in my kitchen? Are you sitting on my counter top again?

Red Hood: OH MY GOD SHE'S WHEELING TOWARDS ME- *crash that sounds suspiciously like Red Hood broke a window while trying to escape*

Gordon: What did you just do? Why are you at my house?

Red Hood, clearly running: My microwave was broken and I wanted pizza rolls.

—

Red Hood: I feel like you don't respect me anymore.

Gordon: why would I respect you?

Red Hood: I'm a terrifying crime lord?

Gordon: I've watched you walk into a glass door, spin in a chair for four minutes straight waiting for a webcomic to update, and last week you broke down crying and asked me how taxes work-

—

Barbra receiving text from her father-

Dad: what is “webtoon”

Dad: What is “ao3”

Dad: What does “dead dove” mean

Babs: why are you asking???

Dad: Arresting someone

Babs: Who, a preteen girl?

Dad: what’s “yuri”

—

Red Hood: You’re only working with me to distract me from my goals

Gordon, waving a manila folder in front of him: Do you want the cold case or not?

THANK YOU TEEHEE <3<3

Before Jason came home, Bruce was the tallest, and Dick was the one initiating these hugs. Basicly Dick has shown everyone that whenever anyone wants to get picked up, they all go climb Bruce.

One day, a few days after Jason agreed to stay at the manor long-term. Bruce pulls Jason over to the side.

The Empire Koala Demons Strikes Back

Dick (as previously stated) is a koala octopus, with both arms around the neck and legs around Bruce/Jason's torso, sitting kinda on the hip of his chosen tree Family member. He's far too impatient and paranoid to not see where his ride is going. Unfortunately for Bruce and Jason, having a full-grown man sitting on your hip makes you too wide for most doorways, meaning that in the Manor, Bruce and Jason have gotten into the habit of turning 90 degrees and walking sideways through doors. And since Dick has made doorway attacks a trend, they both do this with or without Dick hugging them.

Jason tried to rebel once by climbing (just a good-old piggy back ride) Bruce first before anyone could climb him. It didn't stop his siblings from climbing them both; the end result was about 8 ft tall, and awful for Bruce's back and knees. He hasn't tried again since.

Tim 100% sits on shoulders, preferably Jason's; however, the ears on Batman's suit make a nice place to rest his head. He just wraps his arms around Jason's forehead and chills. Jason has had coffee spilled in his hair more than he cares to admit. Also, so many smudges on his helmet from Tim's hands.

Cass sits on one of Bruce's shoulders, sometimes facing forward, legs down (like sitting in a chair), but most of the time she's turned 90 degrees, sitting crisscross and using the side of his head as a backrest.

Steph, oh Steph, she's everywhere. One day, she'll be literally talking behind Jason's back with Dick, the next trying to roast marshmallows on Batman's ears with Cass (using the BatFlameThrower, of course), and another playing Go Fish on Jason's head with Tim.

Damian thinks that all of this is beneath him and questions why Father would allow this to continue. Then goes and lies down on BatCow's back and talks about how ridiculous this is.

Duke would curl around the lower calf. If Bruce is at a desk, Duke dims any light that gets under the desk and takes a nap. If Bruce is walking around a lot, he may move to a traditional piggyback.

You know all the pictures of the whole family fitting in Batman's cape? Yeah, do that, but with a leather biker jacket.

Picture this: Batman, dosed with truth serum, gets asked as a gag from one of the goons holding him captive who his favourite bat-vigilante is and instead of giving a straight answer, he launches into this whole explanation about the ranking system and who’s in the current lead, who’s hanging behind, etc. At some point (this is a mystery to everyone involved) a whiteboard appears and he starts explaining his system like he’s a football coach before an important match. Out of nowhere he starts pulling out little cardboard cutouts of his kids and pins them to the board. At some point the red string comes out.

Jason hasn’t killed someone in a week? Automatically promoted to favourite. Tim hasn’t caused an international incident in the past month? Puts him a few points ahead that keep decreasing the longer he refuses real sleep (20 minute power naps don’t count Tim! Says powernap inventor Bruce Wayne). Cass gave him a hug this morning and wished him a good day? Favourite until he gets a call from dick telling him (without shouting!!!!) that he’ll be there for this week’s Sunday dinner. Duke accidentally scratches the Batmobile? Demoted to the “in trouble” zone (which, honestly, that’s where his kids spend most of the time in😭). Damian did not attempt to free all the animals in the zoo they visited? Favourite. Until Bruce found out he was just trying to conceal the cat hidden in his room that Bruce explicitly forbade him from keeping.

Dick arrives at the family dinner with a busted shoulder and a bruise the size of Texas on his face? Gets demoted so far down that even azraeil scores higher than him. He’s in the “in trouble” zone for a constant month after that. Oh one of them survived an almost death? Favourite for at least the next week. At least. Multiple people survive an almost death? EVERYONES the favourite. The least favourite is the growing grey hairs on his head.

The end of day results are decided by who bothers to wish him goodnight and if all of them have fucked up in some way the past week then Jon (Kent) becomes the automatic favourite until someone cracks a joke that Bruce actually finds funny.

To that anon, thank you! 💝 Here’s some random Cass doodles 🥺

I don’t draw Tim often so this was a bit of an experiment, I hope Tim Drake nation enjoys!

A Million Little Things ~ Gary & Delilah

RODAY FOR FUCK’S SAKE FIX YOUR EARS! 🤣