Finn // Finley

S O C I A L S

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A B O U T M E

I think I’m slowly being replaced I’m not sure tho, my older brother was always my person but he says i ruin all our shared interests and his hobbies cuz I hyperfixated them. So in response I don’t get into his new hobbies, I don’t try to get involved. So then he hangs out with my step brother more and shares ‘our’ things. I feel like I’m being replaced, I shared a room with him for a decade, my step brother moved in 3 years ago.

So I stormed out after we were sitting in my big brothers room. But I’m still on the stairs nearby almost waiting for him to comfort or check on me. But they don’t and now I feel shitty. Like my brain was testing how much he cares, then they don’t. Give a shallow sorry the next day, maybe don’t even apologise.

I of course have my tiefling bard cuz I love my bards, all music and performance and I love my teiflings all demon and chthonic which is fun.

I hate begging my mum to let me change my preferred name at school for 3 months straight, just for her to call me rude, disrespectful, selfish and say no.

I hate arguing with my mum over letting me use my name, letting me live as Finn, just for her to say “It’s not normal.” That’s what hurts. My own mother, the person I love and who would always fight in my corner. Telling me changing my name isn’t normal. She never said the words being trans isn’t normal or I’m not normal. But it still stings the same.

I hate getting a shower and seeing myself in the reflection of the steamed glass. Flesh in all the wrong areas, curves I didn’t ask for and the wrong person staring back.

I hate looking in the mirror before getting ready for school in the morning. My chest isn’t flat enough, my binders showing, the name of my all girls school on the right of my blazer.

I hate having to guess whether my friends actually see me as a guy or a trans guy and not just someone who wants to be a guy. Having to guess if they actually see me. Not the body I want as born as. Not the F on my birth certificate.

I hate knowing and having to realise that I will have to cut my mother off when I grow up. Move somewhere else with my bsf and hope for a better life. Be the older brother, my little brother will never see. I love my siblings, I don’t want to leave them. I don’t even know if I can cope alone without my mother.

I hate knowing my dad doesn’t understand. He accepts me, but he will never understand. We already had a rocky relationship but I don’t know what to do.

I hate that I’m fourteen, unable to do anything about this. Just feeling shitty and stuck at my lowest. I know logically it gets better. It doesn’t make it hurt any less.

I really want to read a fanfic where Hawks mentors teen vigilante or just teen Reader. Reader has daddy issues where it makes them flourish with any sort of praise, so when Hawks starts to praise them for being a good sidekick. Reader eats it up and all, so they create an imagery bond where hawks is more of a father figure then mentor. So they start acting more cuddly and affectionate. So hawks then slowly slots into the cool but secretly caring and worrying dad. Anyway it’s fluffy and all.

I don’t think I’ll ever love how I’m “supposed” to or live the ‘teenage’ dream of what I’m supposed to be. I won’t likely get married or get into relationships. I will never kiss someone under a tree in my local park or get to experience any of the romance rom coms or experiences I read about in books. I will never have biological kids of my own and that will disappoint my parents dream of bio grandkids. I won’t ever get to experience the ‘queer teen’ experience of giggling with my lover as we watch cheesy movies

But I can hold my friends and family as close as I can to my heart. I hold my best friend so dear to me and I might just maybe be able to experience the ‘golden teen years’ a bit differently than normal. People will think I’m weird or loveless but I will know that I can love people in my own face.