Figtreeforever

Dostoevsky, The Idiot

Caspar David Friedrich, Gartenterrasse, 1811

You made me like this. All of you – you – you men that I so insanely loved so much. You are the ones that made me feel so alone. All of you – each of you in your individual way. I – I – I – was wrong to keep loving you. Like a fool, I followed love to the end. Like the sad haunted soul that I am, I followed you to the end.

Aldous Huxley, Proper Studies

Caspar David Friedrich, Woman at a Window, 1822

But I’m not immune to societal pressures or the fear of future regrets.

They tell you to chase your jealousy, that it’s a strong indicator of what you really want.

My friend just had the most beautiful baby, her second. She said life has never felt more complete.

I felt so purely happy for her, nothing but warmth in my heart.

But not one ounce of jealousy.

And with that,

At long last, it is complete.

Albrecht Dürer, Melencolia I, 1514, engraving

Rainer Maria Rilke, Selected Poems of Rainer Maria Rilke, trans. by Robert Bly

These are the thoughts that came spilling out:

I want to love again

Nothing matters but friends and family

Why didn’t I eat more of the treats I love

I can’t leave, my cats would miss me too much

There was no reason to be so hard on myself

This body is perfect just the way it is

Spend it, you can’t take it to the grave

Productivity is not what counts in the end

What was I so worried about all the time

We are not meant to do this alone

I want to share this clarity because I know what it feels like to be disenchanted by life. But now I know too what it feels like when your chance at it hangs in the balance. Every day is precious, the highs and the lows, the love and the hurt.

All those days spent wishing I was someone else, somewhere else, only to realize;