so romeo

You're on pinterest now btw (also I have never looked at HR on pinterest but you were the first thing on my page lol)

fandom happening on pinterest is truly wild to me.

Miko is free-flight trained. Yuna takes her out to parks around Ottawa at least 3 times a week, and they've become kind of minor local celebrities. Crucially like 99% of people who know about Yuna The Bird Lady do not connect her with Yuna Shane Hollander's Mum. Partially because Yuna The Bird Lady existed long, LONG before Shane was ever famous and partially because Shane has never mentioned the fact his mother has birds to the media. This all comes crumbling down when Shane and Ilya are taking care of the birds for a week and take Miko to a park. They're recognised by a fan, who tweets a selfie of her, Ilya, Shane, and a big blue bird sitting on Shane's shoulder that is visibly mid-scream.

Keiko, like many other second-hand birds, has a history of plucking. Unfortunately by the time she gets to Yuna she's already plucked enough that she's completely killed a lot of the follicles on her chest, so now she's all scraggly and half-naked. David takes to knitting her little sweaters to keep her warm and prevent her from plucking more. There are so, so many of these sweaters, and it cannot be overstated just how many of them are little hockey jerseys. It becomes a tradition for Keiko to get all dressed up in her own mini version of whatever jersey Shane is wearing for a particular game when the family all sits down to watch it. And Ilya definitely doesn't almost cry in the locker room the first time he's sent a "good luck you've got this!!" text before a game alongside a selfie of the whole Hollander family on the couch together to watch his game and notices that Keiko is wearing a little Bears sweater.

1.lowkey i am extremely touched about shane growing up thinking his mom is famous. that's so fucking sweet to me. they go to the grocery store and someone asks if she's the bird lady who goes to the park, and shane just thinks his mom is the coolest person EVER. (she is). also the idea of shane just ben affleck meme face as miko is clearly screeching right next to his head is SO fucking funny to me.

You think Shane “gets turned off when his boyfriend loses his games” Hollander would actually want to be with someone who wasn’t as good as him? The whole reason why they’re rivals, why they work together as friends and as partners, is because they are equals on pretty much every single level. Neither of them are the better hockey players than the other because they are literally both tied for first. They are leagues ahead of anyone else in the league with only the other to match them. They are equals. They can only talk to each other abt their hot takes on hockey bc they’ll say shit like “idk I js think that if you score on an empty net it shouldnt count” and the other will go like “right???” meanwhile if they said that to anybody else they’d get ragged on for being arrogant. Nobody does it like they do, Your Honor.

now while I do personally believe that Shane is the more analytical player and Ilya is more instinctual in his playing, they’re both still tied for first. They are both generational talents and they know it, they know that they can only be challenged properly by the other and that’s part of the attraction/thrill for them.

but like, I keep seeing fics where at some point they mention that Shane is the better hockey player or that Shane is the best hockey player in the league and Ilya is second and like. no. Their whole thing as rivals is that they are equals, they can only be matched by each other. If they weren’t equals in every meaningful way, they wouldn’t be rivals. (And I do believe in my heart that if they weren’t rivals, shane’s interest in Ilya would’ve plummeted and vice versa.)

and like don’t get me wrong, I love Shane as a character, but we as a fandom do tend to make it look like Ilya doesn’t care about hockey. Now, Shane’s life is pretty much 100% hockey, yes, but if Shane’s life is 100% hockey then Ilya’s life is 95% hockey. Just because we typically only see Ilya in clubs in the books or fucking Shane or eating shit does not mean he doesn’t take hockey seriously. He does, he has to to be one of the best in the entire league, it’s just that all that shit happens off screen and. well. it’s clear that Shane’s got some problems regarding control in his life and often restricts his diet or his workouts for a sense of control meanwhile Ilya goes to clubs and drinks to feel in control of his life so we’re shown Ilya in clubs and fucking instead of training. It (their need for control stemming from the pressure of being generational talents, the pressure from the media, from the fans, from themselves, from their families) shows differently for both of them (and we tend to make those coping mechanisms their entire personalities) but at the end of the day, it’s another point where Shane and Ilya are equals/understand each other in a way no one else could. Fucking around with their health in order to feel in control due to the immense pressure from the media, family, and from constantly being number 1.

not to mention ilya’s whole “Hollander’s weak backhand” joke is just so much funnier when they’re equals. Like sure they are equals in literally almost every single thing, but ilya’s backhand is 0.00000005% stronger than Shane’s and while that difference is nothing to anyone else it’s jarring to them and it’s just funny because sure Shane’s backhand is better than pretty much everyone else’s in the league besides this one motherfucker who won’t let it go.

It’s… fine, overall. But he knows that sleep doesn’t come as easily to him as it does to the average person. It takes time for him to get his brain to turn off all the way, it takes a few tosses and turns to get comfortable. It can even be hard to stay asleep sometimes, the smallest of sounds or movements from a teammate in a hotel room can jostle him right awake at random hours of the night.

Unless he sleeps on Shane. Not even next to Shane. But on top of Shane.

The first time it happened was at the cottage. It was their first night together and Ilya had found himself curled up on Shane’s lap in front of the fire, Shane’s fingers soothingly scrunched in his hair, scratching at his scalp in just the best way. And Ilya was tired. Exhausted from the flight, from the anxiety of facing this large expanse of time he was to spend with the man he loved but had not expressed it, and opening up about his mother was the final blow, leaving him so emotionally drained that the flames licking in front of him just turned into an orange blur.

He wanted to stay there forever, with Shane’s thighs pillowing him, a hand rubbing up and down his body with another in his hair. So he closed his eyes. 

Ilya had no idea he had fallen asleep until he later felt rubbing at the space behind his ear on the edge of his jaw, Shane’s voice guiding him back to consciousness. “It’s late, Ilya,” Shane murmured. “Why don’t you start heading to bed while I put out the fire? I’ll be right behind you.”

Ilya made sure to stay awake until Shane clambered into the bed ten minutes later.

The next time was only days later. Shane was sitting across from him on the couch, their feet pressed together, his eyes shining, voice wobbling as he said “Don’t marry Svetlana." Ilya couldn’t stop himself from standing up, gathering the blanket that had been draped over him, and flopping into Shane’s side.

“I’m fine,” Shane had begun to protest as Ilya pulled the blanket over them both.

“I didn’t say you weren’t,” Ilya replied simply, squirming up against Shane until he could tuck his head on Shane’s shoulder, forehead pressed to his neck. “Maybe I’m just cold.”

Shane scoffed and looked back down at his phone, Ilya quickly scanning the screen. “Are you really reading hockey shit right now?” 

He felt Shane shrug against his head. “I know, I know. Call me boring, I accept it.”

Ilya grinned and snuggled closer. “Is fine. You’re good pillow either way.”

Shane rested his head on Ilya’s and began to scroll, and Ilya could do nothing but close his eyes, and let sleep take him in seconds. He was woken up again later, Shane gently whispering in his ear to coax him to bed.

…Only to wake him later in the middle of the night, promptly kicking Ilya’s ass with a detailed plan about how they could spend the rest of their lives together. Ilya passed out on Shane like a human sized weighted blanket, tears still wet on his face.

The sweetest time Ilya did it at the cottage was in front of Shane’s parents. The day after Shane came out to them, Yuna and David stopped by for dinner. Eventually the group sat by the fire, stars twinkling in the sky, and Ilya could feel himself crashing. Between the sex and the emotional conversations, the amount of sleep he was having was not enough, and he could feel it. Shane and his parents were chatting around him and Ilya lost focus, leaning over his knees and staring into the fire, trying to focus on the shapes of the flames to keep his eyes open.

He eventually felt a gentle pull at his shoulder. It was Shane guiding him to lean back against the back of the couch with him, tucking Ilya into his neck and shoulder once again. Ilya wanted to object, but found himself curling into Shane’s warmth, and closed his eyes. 

Shane didn’t wake him this time, instead the continued voices pulled him back to awareness. He kept his eyes closed and listened to the conversation, not wanting to lose the way Shane held him. Ilya began to realize that they were talking about him.

“-been really tired these past few days. It’s been a lot for both of us.”

“I can imagine,” Yuna replied softly. “He seems quite comfortable with you.”

“He’s been doing this a couple of times,” Shane’s grip on Ilya’s shoulder tightened in a squeeze. “Knocks right out on me.”

“Because he knows you’re safe.” Yuna said. Then, after a stretch of silence, “He seems like a really sweet boy.”

“Yeah,” Shane said after a beat. “He is.”

It took everything in Ilya not to smile.

And it became a regular occurrence after that. Shane would joke that Ilya was just using him as a cheat code, since being on top of him seemed to magically make Ilya pass out in seconds, but Yuna’s words stuck with him. The safety that Shane gave him was unlike anything he ever had, and he took advantage of that whenever he could. Over the following years, Ilya would always find himself flopping on top of Shane whenever possible. Shane would be reading his book in bed in his adorable glasses and Ilya would press into his neck, read a few words of his boring hockey book, and sleep. He would drape himself over Shane on the couch, press his face into Shane’s chest, and sleep. Once they’re on the Centaurs together, he would sleep on Shane during flights because planes made him more nervous after the emergency landing and would rather not be conscious. 

And as for Shane? Shane loved it. He loved every part of it. He loved the moment he could feel Ilya’s body slacken, he loved the soft snoring noises he would make. And he especially loved when he would wake Ilya up. He would blink up at Shane so softly and scrub at his eyes, smiling dreamily as Shane rubbed whatever part of his body that he had access to. And Ilya would always tilt his head up for a kiss, which Shane would of course oblige. And Ilya would make the cutest noise on the planet, only reserved for these moments, where Shane wakes him up to herd Ilya to wherever he needs to be next. It’s just the softest noise of contentment and peace, sometimes Shane would kiss him a second time just to hear it again. 

and I'm like....... okay that is a perfectly normal way to describe energy and reads totally clear to me, but I KNOW you don't mean hit points/health points which is the first place my brain goes, so what are YOU using hp to mean

and it's not explained in-text, which means it was common enough to not warrant explanation to the 1908 audience, so gotta look elsewhere

horsepower. turns out it's horsepower.

and I'm absolutely FASCINATED that a commonly used initialism from 1908 now stands for something different AND YET the contextual meaning is still the same to a 21st-century reader

I could hand this guy my nintendo switch and he'd be like, ah yes I understand, this ''''pokemon'''' loses horsepower throughout the fight

the double whammy of Giant Fucking Dogs all looking at him and then a parrot strutting her way through is KILLING ME

man is trying to be a good and present and supportive new boyfriend, but GOD the odds are stacked against him rn

the dogs are pretty polite in general, but yuna is ABSOLUTELY the ultimate authority. she is the only one powerful enough to overcome zeke's cheese madness.

which leads to the EXTREMELY funny scenario of big ass hockey player ilya getting his ass beat tf up by this massive dog because he made the fatal mistake of bringing shredded cheese into the house until yuna leans in and snatches the bag away, which makes zeke immediately sit and wait

meanwhile ilya is just

her name is clara, and she is convinced she is a lapdog

Shane gets the call to foster not a fuck-off big snake, but a hognose - which the females top out at 36 inches. So Ilya hears this and is like "okay, yeah, a small snake (still big to him, but small compared to spaghetti)" only to face absolute betrayal at how spicy (dramatic) they are because "Why is he angry Shane?! Spaghetti isn't angry!:

it starts doing a rattelsnake impression at him and ilya is straight offended

he is just STANDING HERE

I’m just imagining Shane being like “wow all of these people love me and Spaghetti this is so awesome” and feeling comfortable enough to get a second snake except this snake weighs 50lbs and eats whole quail and his enclosure is the entire walk-in closet of the snake room.

Shane loves walking around with his new buddy (free weight training) or cuddling on the couch (free weighted blanket).

GOD POOR ILYA

he's seen pictures of baby spaghetti and is like, "okay, maybe if i just am around it from the time it is very small, things will be better. i can adjust."

and then the "baby snake" shane wanted ENDS UP BEING! A STILL FUCK OFF BIG SNAKE!!

The call comes when Ilya’s out with some friends visiting from Boston, and Shane couldn’t just say NO, the poor thing is cold and scared and it needs a home, and Spaghetti’s old tank hasn’t been dismantled since his upgrade, it’s big enough for a retic, so Shane picks up Wiggles and brings him home.

Ilya comes home two hours later with Marley and St-Simon in tow, all of them hyping each other up, hooting and hollering and yelling BRO! BROOOO! until Ilya freezes and fucking SHRIEKS. His beloved husband has brought home a MONSTER.

GOD WAIT ilya has volunteered at the animal shelter before and so they've heard him talk about shane having a massive snake

(BECAUSE IN *HIS* OPINION!! SPAGHETTI IS!! SO FUCKING BIG!! IT IS A SNAKE IN HIS HOME!! AND IT IS MASSIVE!)

but this means they call ilya, get sent to voicemail (which still says he's not going to respond), and then call shane (he's the emergency contact on ilya's volunteer paperwork) and are like, "hey, it's sarah down at the shelter. this is kind of a crazy ask, but would you have the ability to foster a ball python? i know ilya has said you have snake experience."

and shane is like, "uuuh let me call my husband and check, but sure. we haven't taken down spaghetti's older tank yet, and it's really big, so it should work fine." and then he texts one of the people out with ilya to tell him to call, and then shane runs him down with, "hey, sarah down at the shelter asked if we could take a snake that got surrendered. apparently they bought it for their kid but 'miss wiggles' got a little too much for them."

and POOR ILYA IS LIKE SURELY MY FRIEND SARAH WOULD NOT SEND A GIANT FUCK OFF SNAKE INTO MY HOME, WHERE I LAY MY SWEET HEAD. SURELY SARAH WOULD NOT DO THAT TO ME.

and it's name is miss wiggles! and it was a child's! yeah, sure, why not. is he thrilled? no. but he's used enough to it that a second spaghetti is fine, especially when there's nowhere else for the snake to go. (and listen. spaghetti is getting up there, and ilya is a little worried about how that's going to hit shane. so maybe this works out perfectly. new snake needs a home, shane gets a second buddy, and ilya can just. adjust.)

UNTIL HE GETS HOME AND LEARNS ABOUT WHAT ELSE LIVES THERE NOW.

Ilya, haunted: there's going to be MORE of them???

Shane: oh no, no, they're not fertilized. but it's good to know Miss Wiggles can lay healthy eggs! Maybe I can pair her up with another snake next year :) I've always wanted to try hatching snakes :)