Fear the Blood

and the worst part is, this is all me. no one is responsible for how i’ve been feeling but me. there’s no one left to cut out. i have no reason to be like this. i have a great job, i do what i love every day of my life with people who make challenge me and drive me. my dad and his wife are far away from me. my family loves me but also gives me space. i’ve patched things up with my mom. my sister is safe and happy. i have an active social life. i have a wonderful relationship with my gf. and the problem in all of these part of my life is me

i’ve had a hard time admitting this for a long time but i’m struggling. this isn’t for anyone to see. this for me, maybe some future version of me that remembers making a hidden post in one my “weaker moments” and maybe decided to delete it because i was just “having one of those nights.” i’ve finally scheduled an appointment with a therapist because i can finally admit that fixing this is the most important goal in my life right now. i’m tired of feeling like an empty shell of the person I used to feel like. i’m tired of feeling like everything i do is just going through the motions for what a past, happier version of me wanted, and i’m tired of falling back on suicidal ideation to calm myself down. none of these feelings aren’t normal and if i keep brushing them off i’m going to wind up alienating myself from literally everything and everyone i care about. i need to be able to let myself call this depression/anxiety and acknowledge that this is happening because this isn’t me