#jamescript

i’ve had a hard time admitting this for a long time but i’m struggling. this isn’t for anyone to see. this for me, maybe some future version of me that remembers making a hidden post in one my “weaker moments” and maybe decided to delete it because i was just “having one of those nights.” i’ve finally scheduled an appointment with a therapist because i can finally admit that fixing this is the most important goal in my life right now. i’m tired of feeling like an empty shell of the person I used to feel like. i’m tired of feeling like everything i do is just going through the motions for what a past, happier version of me wanted, and i’m tired of falling back on suicidal ideation to calm myself down. none of these feelings aren’t normal and if i keep brushing them off i’m going to wind up alienating myself from literally everything and everyone i care about. i need to be able to let myself call this depression/anxiety and acknowledge that this is happening because this isn’t me

new personal goal: each day i’m going to strive to not go to sleep until i can say that i’ve done something that makes me happy and excited. i will not continue to make excuses for my lack of initiative in pursuing the things i used to enjoy. for today, we’ll call it spending a good day with the fam and making plans to see one of my favorite bands in concert for the first time in november. also not thinking about work once today. much like when I was a teenager and i trained myself not to dwell on bad thoughts when i went to bed, i’m making a point to not think about work when i’m at home.