*Inhales* Dear friends and moots, if you had moments of feeling like you're about to self-censor your joy for something out of shame, lemme tell you my story.
... A story so long that I could have put it under the cut, but you know WHAT: the point of this is to beat the need to be comfortable, so I will beat that one too by gushing out my experiences. LETS GOOOOO!
Since something in 2022, I fell head over heels for this character:
Trasformers Animated Lockdown, horrible example of a fictional character to fixate on, yeah? I don't give a fuck. He's my darling.
I was pretty aware from Day 0 that fandom barely cared for him and/or always played it safe with his character, and so, there are practically crumbles of content of him that tickle my tastes.
So I did what the most logical starving-of-content person does in such moments: I dedicated art to him.
... I dedicated a whole fake Music Mix CD to Lockdown, isn't this proof enough of my madness for him???
I even did my own design/interpretation to show not just Lockdown's sadistic, irredeemable side... but related to his solitary ways, longing for what he is not made for, or simply being silly (because he for sure CAN be silly if given enough room for such).
I dared to pair other characters with Lockdown because HEY, it's a fun way to expand and speculate behavior that canon doesn't cover.
Tho I can count on my ten fingers the amount of hate I got from standing for this character. Like, I'm gonna be a murderer in disguise, or that I *reads imaginary paperwork* will enable abusive pairings when depicting fantasy scenes with equally fantastical characters *rolls eyes like two steamrollers*. I'm a fucking adult who has her ducks in line. Go back to kindergarten if you still can't understand what pretend play is, please and thank you.
But did I stop? Nopes. I just kept going. Sadly, yeah, I needed to move a little less boldly to keep out of the radar. But I really never stopped.
That's PART of my Padlet dedicated to hoard aesthetic stuff for him!
And from there on, things become curiously brighter personally for me. I'm well aware that's ironic to say, knowing this character's lore. Those who know me more than superficially will understand why I align so much with dark themes and, in general, punk-ish looking monsters themed around death:
It's less than before, but I suffer from anger management issues. Alongside it, I was constantly and silently abandoned/denied affection of any type that wasn't the bare minimum material need. They made me feel like a monster, something not worth caring for. I feel unloved for so long...
And so that's why I always found myself attached to villain-like characters. Especially those dreadful, unhinged ones. Because I wanted to wield such a fearsome respect. I wanted those around me to make space for me. Just a tiny bit at least. I'm already a good person... but I lacked the wits and self-esteem to stand for myself.
So my love for this character surpassed even that barrier of fansquealing domain... and delved alongside this character's essence the spiritual/craft frontiers.
Yes, this is TRUE delulu. I DON'T CARE! I felt enlightened and more in tune with that neglected side of my past. Walking through those deep, scary shadows of myself. Nurturing it alongside a companion inspired by my fav blorbo motivated me so muuuch!
And now, I put him through the OCification/Creaturification Beam. He's ingrained in me, and I will fight shame to pry it from my hands every day I think of him.
Thank you, Lockdown: for indirectly making me a better person 🖤🦡️🖤🦡️🖤🦡️
And thank you so much to Mr Wyatt: I'm in debt with that man, not only just for illustrating my childhood with so many fun shows, but for bringing this character to life in TFA.
CONCLUSION: Love what you love. You will never know how much it will last, so make the most of it!!!
vaporwave
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2087
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