"My worst times in recovery are better than my best times in relapse"
It means that even though i may sometimes cry while eating or lay in bed holding my belly for hours because bloating hurts, even though I sometimes look in the mirror and see the fat spreading over my body because yes, I do gain weight, even though sometimes I think I can’t keep going because constantly challenging myself is so hard and because leaving the castle of lies about safety and controll my eating disorder has buil around me, even though I sometimes scream at my refelction because I want nothing more than to purge to get rid of the feeling of food inside of me ——-
NOTHING is ever as bad as living with my eating disorder was, I’ve never hated myself as much as I did in the depths of my eating disorder, I’ve never felt as fat as I did when I was starved, I have never cried more, screamed more, wanted to give up and die more then while I followed what my eating disordert told me to do. Nothing is as bad as living with constant hunger and pain from purging, nothing is as bad as the racing thoughts and the obsessive counting and the constant lying and screaming and cheating the ones that love me.
I have never lost as much as I have lost during my eating disorder, weight, life, hair, friends, good grades, family, interests, trust, fun, energy, relationships, respect and the love for myself and my own body.
I have never gained as much as I have gained during recovery - weight but also life and vitality, new friends, new opportunities, activities and fun, more energy and more food, old friends back, trust back, respect back, my future back.
I lost a mental illness that almost killed me and gained back my life. That is what this quote means to me."