Soul~Touched

10  things a Dom expects a sub to know without being told

1. He needs to be the priority. Make him your priority regardless of how horny you are. A true Dom/sub relationship extends beyond sex into all other aspects of the partnership.

2. He has emotions and needs them acknowledged. The internet (and Tumblr is especially egregious in this regard) has created the toxic stereotype of the Dominant as this calm, cold, unemotional Olympian figure who is always as in charge of himself as he is of his submissive. Accept that your Dominant is human, and it is only normal, and that he will occasionally have a moment of weakness, or self-doubt, or — horrors! — shedding a tear.

3. Know him better than others. If your Dominant is having emotional difficulties, or even something as “insignificant” as a bad day at work, you should be sensitive to that, just as he needs to do likewise for you. It’s a mutually-caring relationship after all.

4. Let him control things (including you). That is his responsibility. Yours is to obey.

5. Abide by the rules. Your Dominant constructs various rules, tasks, rituals, etc, for a purpose. That purpose may not always be obvious to you. It doesn’t have to be. Trust that he knows what he’s doing. If you’re not willing to put in the work, then you should do some soul-searching and evaluate how deep (or even genuine) your submission really is.

6. Remember that he is yours. This is always reciprocal. Just as he expects your total devotion and commitment and fidelity, you have the right to expect those things from him. To be clear, this is not the same as taking your Dominant for granted. Just as he has to earn those things from you every day, so you also have to earn them from him every day.

7. Appreciate the work he puts into you, and let him know that you appreciate it. Being a dominant (especially in a day-to-day rather than sporadic relationship) is hard work. Let him know how much it means to you that he considers you worthy of all that work and direction and energy.

8. Be mindful of your respective positions in the D/s relationship. He is your Dominant. Can you be affectionately playful and impish? Yes; any Dominant who doesn’t  relish such from his submissive on occasion has some significant self-confidence issues. Sarcastic or willfully bratty? No way.

9. Give the same respect you get. If he shows you that, despite the way your relationship might look to the vanillas, he holds you in the highest respect, then return that  respect. If you come to the conclusion that he does not hold you in the highest respect, you might want to reevaluate your relationship and possibly move on.

10. Above all else: he expects your submission to be whole and complete and without reservation, save for those things that the two of you negotiate as equals before you offer him your submission (and renegotiate from time to time as the relationship evolves). You don’t get to submit just when you’re in the mood. There are no half-measures.

And on the flipside

10 things a sub expects a Dom to know…without being told

1. She needs to be the priority. She doesn’t want to compete with others. If every woman is hot, she’ll find it hard to stand out….and she needs to stand out.

2. She has emotions and needs them acknowledged. Probably more than you bargained for.

3. She needs you to know her better than others do….if her friends notice she was in a slump, you should notice first.

4. There are some things some of us just can’t physically do…don’t expect her to do something just because your last sub could or you’ve seen another sub do it. Not every sub can take a dick all the way down her throat.

5. Don’t compare her. She’s her own individual. She’s unique. That’s probably why you chose her in the first place. She may not be the hottest sub or have pics of her pink parts spread out for the world to see. But she goes out of her way to be the best in your eyes. Show her that she is.

6. Let her control things. ( wait, don’t let your heads explode here). If you’ve delegated certain chores to her…give her the control to do them. If they are getting done, does it really matter that they weren’t done in the exact way you would’ve done them?

7. Enforce the rules. All the time. Not just when it makes you feel Domly. After all, she’s in this D/s relationship because she needs the structure of the rules. She might sigh or grumble… but rules are partly why she’s here.

8. Remind her she’s yours. Every day. Even if you haven’t collared her, she’s given herself to you. She wants to hear and see that you own her. (Example: a hand full of hair while firmly kissing her will remind her of that…and get her wet in the process ;). )

9. Appreciate the submission she gives you. It takes more for some to submit than just the act of doing what they are told. She might find that she has to submit herself every day.

10. Be hers. Just as she is yours. Let her know that you aren’t just a Dom…you are HER Dom.

I was scrolling back through my archives and I came across an ask from another blog where someone was inquiring about signs that a man was not a Dominant, but simply domineering. I think it’s a really important, and very interesting question, and so I thought I’d like to take a stab at answering. There are a lot of posts out there about how to spot a real Dominant, but so long as there are subs out there struggling to tell the difference I think there can’t be too many.

To be domineering is to assert your will over another person in an aggressive or arrogant way. To be a Dominant is to be a caregiver. Someone who thrives on leading by gaining the trust and devotion of someone who wishes to follow. It sounds simple to tell them apart on paper, but reality isn’t always that black and white, and some people talk a really good game, so how can you tell the difference?

A domineering man will only make his rules all about his pleasure. They may read as a list of fetishes. He’s concerned about how often you shave your cunt, but not how often you see the doctor. A Dominant man will make rules for his pleasure, and your betterment. He cares about which panties you wear, but also how much sleep you get each night. He encourages you to have goals and helps you accomplish them through his rules.

A domineering man will not go out of his way to let you know that you are loved and cherished. His praise comes in the form of “you’re so hot when you do that”, and  “I love when you gag on me”. A Dominant man will make sure you know he respects you as a person and supports your accomplishments. “I’m so proud of you for interviewing for the promotion at work”, and “I appreciate that you tried, I know that was hard for you”.

A domineering man will not want to explain his decisions, or discuss his reasoning. He may become angry when you question him, and tell you that it’s not your place. A Dominant man is open to meta-talks. He will not allow you to question every tiny decision, but it’s important to him to address your concerns. He’s not afraid to share his thinking because he has your best interest at heart.

A domineering man doesn’t show interest in making decision that don’t affect him. He’ll choose your panties, but doesn’t really care when you ask him what you should do about that friend who is feeling neglected.  A Dominant man wants to help calm your mind, and is happy to help you make even mundane decisions. He has no problem choosing where to eat tonight, or telling you if you should accept the invite to that party.

A domineering man will be concentrated on making you the ‘perfect sub’. He may be overly concerned with your ability to deep throat and unreasonably strict with your diet and exercise program. A Dominant man accept and loves the person you are, and wants to help you meet your goals. He helps you with your diet because he wants for you to be healthy, not skinny, or because YOU expressed a desire for change.

A domineering man will limit your contact with others, especially others in the BDSM community. He’s scared you’ll find out that there’s more out there than what he’s offering. He’s jealous, and resents the time you spend with friends and family. A Dominant man know he can not be your everything and encourages you to learn. He recognizes the value of other relationship and only limits them when there are red flags, or past problems. He encourages you to learn and grow in your understanding of D/s relationships.

A domineering man demands. He raises his voice, doesn’t say please, and doesn’t thank you for the things you do. A Dominant man leads by making you want to follow. He knows that trust is earned and isn’t put off by the effort.

A domineering man gives his time only when it is convenient for him to do so. Domineering man isn’t concerned with calming you before a medical procedure or exam. He cancels plans with you when something better to do comes up. A Dominant man makes you a priority. He sets aside his plans to care for you when you are in need. That doesn’t mean he drops everything because you want company, but when you’re genuinely having a hard time you don’t have to question if he’ll be there for you.

The Alpha Submissive Female.

I have been reading quite a lot lately how certain Doms think there is no such thing as an Alpha Sub. Guess what? I’ve got news for you, because I am one of those things that you don’t think exist. I am an Alpha Sub, and I am extremely proud of that.

Some may laugh and snigger about this, but I am a sub because I chose to be a sub. Make no mistake about that. I choose to submit to my Dom, I choose to freely give my control to my Dom. But he who I choose to be my Dom, must, beyond any measure, prove himself worthy of my submission, worthy of my respect, and most of all worthy of my love.

Now for those Doms that are scared of that dreaded L word, I have two words. Grow Up!! If you think for one second, that a sub that freely chooses to submit to you, to your structure, your discipline, to your everything, that she will not fall in love with you, you must truly think that you are the Sun and the Universe revolves around you. Any Dom that is worth his weight in gold, knows, without a doubt, that his sub, will fall in love with him, and more than likely he with her. It doesn’t matter how his sub has come to submit to him, through it being her nature or through the Dom breaking her, it is inevitable that this will happen.

As for my case, my Dom knows how he received the gift of my submission. My mind, my body, my feelings and emotions are such a big and difficult part of me to give, but for him, I try very hard, and I do give these things freely to him.

But as an Alpha Sub, here is the difference between me and a sub that is naturally submissive in all aspects of her life.

I will not submit to a Dom just because he is a Dom. To Dom me, you have to be a really special kind of Dominant.

As an Alpha Sub, I will hold the bar and expectations of my Dom higher than what other subs will. If I am expected to give my all, I expect that my Dom will give his all as well.

Open honest communication, and lots of it, is something that I expect. Some things that my Dom says will hurt me, and some things that I say will hurt him. If it said in an honest way, without the intention to purposefully hurt, it adds strength and security to the relationship. Just because something is hard to say, I do not expect my Dom to let it go out of fear of a difficult conversation.

I do not accept for one second that the D/s relationship or the M/s relationship is not equal between the people involved. Because if it is a good match the Dom will complement the sub and visa-versa. And really, if we are all being honest, the Dom is not a Dom without his submissive, and the sub is definitely not a sub without her Dom.

Both the Dom and the sub complete each other.

Where things get interesting is when the Alpha sub is thrown into the equation.

The Alpha sub is a strong confident woman. Quite often outside of the D/s relationship she is a powerhouse unto herself. She expects respect, she expects things to be done a certain way. She expects that she will intimidate men of all types. She knows how to work a crowd, she knows how to be the centre of attention. This woman is as comfortable being the leader of an organisation as she is at handing the reins over to someone else who she feels is worthy of being her protégé. The Alpha Sub woman is very close to being a perfectionist in everything that she does, and expects others to follow her example. What she gives, she gives freely, but does not expect to be stabbed in the back with what she has freely given.

When the Alpha Sub contacts her Dom she does so for a variety of reasons. Most times when she contacts her Dom it is because she needs something. Although she can stand on her own two feet perfectly well, she does not like to admit that she needs her Dom. It is not easy for her to show her emotions. If she is threatened, she is like a clam and closes up so tight, that her Dom is nearly back at square one with her, until she feels comfortable enough to let him back in and work with him to fix her world.

The needs of an Alpha Sub are complex and so much more than any other sub. Hence the rewards of the Dom are so much sweeter because of the fact that he has chosen an Alpha Sub, who by all accounts is not a woman who is easily satisfied.

The Alpha Sub, when she finds and develops the understanding and trust with her Dom, will fight off anyone who threatens her Dom. When she finds her Dom, he becomes the most important aspect of her life. She will depend on him, she will open up to him and she will do anything that he wishes of her. But take away her confidence in the relationship, or take away her need of open honest communication, she will start questioning herself and her worth.

Doms, if you think you have found an Alpha Sub, hang in there. She wants to please you, she wants to submit to you. She needs to know that you are worthy of all of her, she needs to know that you are not going to waver in your conviction of a D/s relationship with her. It will be effort on both parts, but once you have that deep understanding and knowledge of each other, she will not want or need any other Dom ever. Be prepared for her, when and if she decides to give, she will give everything that she can.

Alpha Subs - do not let any Dom ever tell you that you are not a real submissive because you have strong convictions, ideals and expectations. The truth is, a lot of Doms do not know how to handle an Alpha Sub, we scare them, we make them think we are too much work. The Doms just don’t realise that when they put the time and effort in, they will potentially have a strong sub, capable of just about anything, and she will and want to be his, probably for life.

Hardly a day goes by when I don’t see or interact with someone who is suffering because they were “ghosted” by someone they thought they could trust.  It isn’t only subs and littles who get ghosted, either - fully a third of the people that I’ve talked to about it are Daddies and Doms who have been left wondering what happened to the person that they adored and thought they were going to be with forever.  It’s a terrible epidemic that has been brought to us courtesy of the internet, but it’s not exactly a new thing.  People haven’t really changed because of the internet, it has just allowed all of our traits to be amplified and projected into this digital world, both for good and for evil.

Ghosting is a horrible thing to do to someone.  It leaves so many open wounds, unanswered questions, and does an enormous amount of damage to the person’s sense of worth.  The longer you’re in a relationship with someone, the more routines and rituals you have with them.  Your life begins to take shape around your shared time together, and when one person just vanishes from your life, every day is a stark, painful reminder of their absence.  When you’ve come to depend upon that person’s presence in your life, their sudden disappearance from it not only catches you off guard, but pulls the rug out from under you and leaves you in an emotional free fall.

I’ve never ghosted anyone that I’ve been in a relationship with, but I have had it happen to me.  It’s an extraordinarily painful experience, but there are some very important things to remember if you’ve been ghosted:

It isn’t because you’re not good enough.  I really cannot stress this point enough - You have worth.  You have value.  You deserved more than what happened to you.  What they did was extremely disrespectful, but it doesn’t mean that you are less valuable as a person or less worthy of love and respect, only that they were incapable of demonstrating this to you.

The problem is with them, not you.  Ghosting is a way for them to exit the relationship without having to own up to the responsibility of explaining themselves.  It’s a cowardly, immature, and irresponsible act that is committed by an emotionally stunted individual.

There are better people out there for you.  It doesn’t matter how much you felt for this person, they’ve just proven that they never deserved the position you gave them in your life.  There is someone out there who will appreciate you for who you are and who will not treat you with such disdain.  It’s hard to see at the time, but that one person that you thought was so special really isn’t all that special after all.  

You cannot make them care.  Often times, we are tempted to do things to try to get their attention.  We want them to own up to what they did, provide us with answers, and give us some sort of closure to the wounds that they caused.  The fact is, if they didn’t care enough to explain themselves to you when they decided to end things, they are going to care even less afterwards.  Your attempts to get their attention and get them to speak to you are only going to make it hurt worse in the end.

I had to learn these lessons the hard way.  When you’re struggling to come to terms with what has happened, the best thing you can do is to just accept it for what it is and focus on moving forward in your life.  Trying to make sense of it is going to be frustrating and will leave you feeling more lost and empty.  Take it at face value - they ghosted you because they are too weak and immature to end things the right way.  They know they are in the wrong, they know what they are doing is cowardly and terrible, and their attempts to avoid you are attempts to avoid facing any of the responsibility for this.  Period.

How do you put the pieces of your life back together afterwards?  Here’s a few steps that I’ve figured out through my own struggles with this:

Focus on this day and only this day.  The whole “one day at a time” thing is no joke.  Each morning when you wake up, go through a list of things that you have to do that day.  Write them down or put them in Google Keep, that way you can cross them off as you complete them.

Keep your mind occupied.  If you’re like me, your mind will often drift back to that person and what happened.  You’ll try to solve the “puzzle” of what happened any time your mind has any freedom to wander.  This is a trap.  If you catch yourself starting to dwell, find something that requires you to focus and keep yourself busy that way.

Motion is a great substitute for emotion.  Exercise is a fantastic way to give yourself a short burst of good feelings and push aside those troublesome thoughts.  Forcing yourself to get out of the house and take care of things that you’ve been putting off will make you feel more accomplished.  Visiting friends and family that you haven’t seen in a while gives you a chance to reconnect with other people and will make you feel less lonely.  Keep moving.

Use your free time to improve yourself.  Relationships occupy a great amount of our time.  When you don’t have to spend time maintaining a relationship, it’s a great time to pick up a new hobby, learn a new skill, or work on things that you’ve been meaning to do for years.  Personally, I began learning guitar.  I’m still not terribly good at it, but it is something that I enjoy and it allows me to express my moods through music while also feeling proud when I notice that my playing has improved.

Create a new “normal”.  We hate change.  Change is the hardest thing in the world for us to accept, but it’s one of the few things that we are guaranteed to have to confront.  When we get accustomed to the routines and rituals we had with a person, that becomes our “normal”.  When we no longer have that, it sends our minds into a panic.  Create a routine that revolves around you and what you need to be healthier and more successful, and it will eventually become your new normal.  When you do meet someone else, don’t abandon this routine, but find ways to incorporate that person into it.  This will help you maintain the gains that you made while you were putting things back together.

Reach out.  Telling people we need help or that we are not okay is hard.  We don’t like to admit that we are struggling, but sometimes you absolutely have to in order to get out of the hole that you’re in.  Don’t be too proud to admit when you’re not doing well, and don’t be afraid to reach out to others.

How to love a broken girl. How many would benefit from an instruction book for that? Its easy to love the carefree girls, the “normal” girls, the confident girls next door, but what about the broken girls? The girls with fortresses around their heart and shields in their eyes? The girls whose souls have aged beyond their earthly years? The girls with bodies and minds that have survived wars which would break the strongest of men? Sometimes these girls should come with a warning label. The warning pendulum swings both ways. This warning is not only for how you must treat her but for all the ways she will ruin you.

1. You cannot love her gently. She does not realize she deserves to be loved. You must love her with a force that can crush mountains. You must burn her soul so hot with your love that doubt melts away. Your love must be unconditional and you must show her on her very worst days.

2. She doesnt know shes beautiful. She can get compliments all day and she wont believe it. There is a demon on her shoulder whispering that its not true. It takes a dozen compliments to erase one hurtful torment from her past. Shower her with compliments, be her cheerleader, until your words are her heartbeat instead of her doubts.

3. Chase her. I know we often have the attitude of not chasing anyone. I know it is said to be weak if we chase someone who walks away, but we need to see you are weak for us. Sometimes a broken girl needs to see how much you need her. She needs to.see that vulnerability in your eyes to feel ok. We need you to need us.

4. She needs routine. Broken girls over analyze everything. They notice everything, too. Did you stop asking her for pictures after some time passes? Did you stop using a pet name? Every broken pattern to us means the end of the only thing we have ever wanted and it terrifies us.

5. Smother us with affection. Touch us. Kiss us. Touch us some more. Broken girls have not experienced enough positive affection in their life. We will absorb every ounce as a person dying of thirst demands water. You cannot shower us with enough of a good touch.

6. Be honest and keep promises. Broken girls have not dared to dream much. Every vow made to us has been broken. Every promise has been a lie. We would rather you never let a promise escape your lips than have you utter false ones.

7. Prepare to drown. If we let you inside our chaotic soul, you will be immersed in a madness you will not understand. We sometimes walk the balance beam of insanity and sometimes we fall. The biggest warning we should have is this.. if we love you, it is forever. We will love you with a loyalty that will amaze you. We will be committed and our heart will beat your name. While we are still broken we will try to devour all of your pain. We will be perceptive to your wounds and eager to heal your soul. If we love you, please be prepared that we will forever stay.

I thought I would update the list of BDSM links and resources I posted a while ago, as some links were no longer working and I had several new ones to add, including a list of books. These should be particularly helpful to those who are new to BDSM and looking to explore D/s relationships, as the best way to go about that is to first read everything you can and then read even more! Not only will this allow you to educate yourself, help keep you safe and avoid any potential mistakes or regrets, but also the more you understand something, the less intimidating it will seem.

If you have anything to add, please don’t hesitate to let me know and I will update this list, in particular if there any books that a submissive might find helpful or informative, as most of the books I have read or included are intended for Dominants.

Note: For the sake of consistency and readability, I have used capitals throughout this document and have not used lower case when referring to submissives or slaves.

Websites:

Babygirls ‘n’ Daddy Doms: Website dedicated to littles, babygirls and Daddy Doms, with a lot of useful information on the subject.

Collarme: A free BDSM dating website and community, that is probably the most popular and a better option than the commercial alternatives.

DS Arts: Academy of DS Arts, fairly self explanatory.

Evil Monk: Ambrosio’s BDSM Website, featuring many useful articles.

Fetlife: An online BDSM community that I would highly recommend and which is perhaps best described as Facebook for the kinky, allowing users to create a profile, publish photos or writing and join interest groups where you can ask questions.

Kink Academy: An online resource with many educational and instructional videos on various aspects of BDSM, although users must pay a small fee to access all of the content.

Submissive Guide: As the name suggests, this is an online resource for submissives.

The Iron Gate: A general BDSM online resource, with many aticles, essays and even stories on the subject.

Dating and Relationships:

10 Principles For Healthy 24/7 D/s And M/s (Source: sexgeek.wordpress.com)

Difference of Dynamics in BDSM (Source: the-little-kitten.tumblr.com)

Finding Your Dominant (Source: asubmissivesjourney.com)

How To Find A Partner (Source: Jack Rinella / leathernews.com)

Initiating a Discussion About BDSM Interest with a Vanilla Partner Part 1 (Source: submissiveguide.com)

Initiating a Discussion About BDSM Interest with a Vanilla Partner Part 2 (Source: submissiveguide.com)

Initiating a Discussion About BDSM Interest with a Vanilla Partner Part 3 (Source: submissiveguide.com)

So You Want Your Boyfriend To Dominate You (Source: domwithpen.tumblr.com)

So Your Girlfriend Wants You To Dominate Her (Source: domwithpen.tumblr.com)

The Unfortunate But Common Misconceptions About DD/lg Relationships (Source: a-lolitas-life.tumblr.com)

Play:

Consent Is Mandatory And Non-Negotiable (Source: fortheloveofasub.tumblr.com)

Food Play (Source: bdsmsadomasochism.tumblr.com)

How (and Why) To Go Down On Your Submissive (Source: domwithpen.tumblr.com)

Initial Steps Into Orgasm on Command Training (Source: submissiveguide.com)

Rules and Tasks for Building Confidence (Source: themostdangerousplaything.tumblr.com)

Tools of Consent in BDSM (Source: the-iron-gate.com)

Training in D/s - Why? (Source: her-master.tumblr.com)

Training in D/s - How? (Source: her-master.tumblr.com)

Training in D/s - Thoughts And Concerns (Source: her-master.tumblr.com)

Wax Play (Source: bdsmsadomasochism.tumblr.com)

Safety:

Basics Of Safe, Sane And Consensual Power Exchange (Source: Molly Devon / the-iron-gate.com)

Common Sense (Source: Sean R. Powell / the-iron-gate.com)

Emotional Safety (Source: the-iron-gate.com)

Offline/Online BDSM Safety Rules (Source: the-iron-gate.com)

Ouch Is Not A Safe Word: Safe Words, Limits, and Scene Protocol (Source: the-iron-gate.com)

Rules For Meeting Strangers (Source: Jack Rinella / leathernews.com)

Safewords and Safesigns 101 (Source: kinkology.tumblr.com)

S.S.C. VS R.A.C.K. (Source: Justin Medlin / the-iron-gate.com)

Checklists, Communication and Negotiation:

BDSM Play Partner Check List (Source: Sovereign House / the-iron-gate.com)

BDSM Scene Negotiations (Source: daddyvinnie.tumblr.com)

Can I Get That In Writing: Basics of Negotiations (Source: the-iron-gate.com)

Communication (Source: submissivesupportgroup.tumblr.com)

If I Ever See Another Checklist I Will Scream: An Extremely Thorough Play Checklist (Source: the-iron-gate.com)

Negotiation Forms (Source: Jay Wiseman, SM 101: A Realistic Introduction / greenerypress.com)

What Are Negotiations Good For? (Source: the-iron-gate.com)

Sub Drop and Aftercare:

Aftercare for submissives (Source: Mistress Abode / brairthornblog.wordpress.com)

Aftercare for Dominants (Source: Mistress Abode / brairthornblog.wordpress.com)

Aftercare for Switches (Source: Mistress Abode / brairthornblog.wordpress.com)

Emergency Self-Administered Aftercare (Source: Mistress Abode / brairthornblog.wordpress.com)

Sub Drop (Source: David Williams / subshelpingsubs.tripod.com)

Sub Drop and Aftercare (Source: desires-of-a-domimant-man.tumblr.com)

Dominance and Dominants:

A Dominant is NOT… (Source: the-iron-gate.com)

Advice to a Novice Dom (Source: Washington Sexuality University / the-iron-gate.com)

Advice to a Novice Dominant (Source: cherhatton.tumblr.com)

An Open Letter To A Novice Dom (Source: evilmonk.org)

Qualities of A Successful Dominant (Source: Polly Peachum / the-iron-gate.com)

Daddy Doms: They’re Not What You Think (Source: edenfantasys.com)

Domination for Nice Guys (Source: Franklin Veaux / the-iron-gate.com)

How To Spot A Non Dominant (Source: the-iron-gate.com)

Learning To Be A Dom (Source: the-iron-gate.com)

Run Don’t Walk: Warning Signs of A Predator Dom/me Part 1 (Source: submissiveguide.com)

Run Don’t Walk: Warning Signs of A Predator Dom/me Part 2 (Source: submissiveguide.com)

Red Flags, Warning Signs, and Intuition: Learning to Trust You Instincts - Part One: Dominants (Source: the-iron-gate.com)

The Dominant (Source: the-iron-gate.com)

What Is A Daddy Dom? (Source: babygirlsndaddydoms.webs.com)

What Makes A Good Dominant (Source: Kim Debron / kimdebron.tripod.com)

What Should A Dominant Be (Source: the-iron-gate.com)

Submission and Submissives:

10 Considerations For Inexperienced Subs (Source: fortheloveofasub.tumblr.com)

A Submissive Bill of Rights (Source: the-iron-gate.com)

A Submissive’s Creed (Source: the-iron-gate.com)

A Submissive’s Ethics (Source: the-iron-gate.com)

Introduction To Submission (Source: Kim Debron / kimdebron.tripod.com)

Learning to Trust Your Instincts (Source: bewildbetruebekinkybeyou.tumblr.com)

Red Flags, Warning Signs, and Intuition: Learning to Trust You Instincts- Part 2: Submissives/Slaves (Source: the-iron-gate.com)

Some Rules For The Submissive (Source: daddylookingforhisbaby.tumblr.com)

Submissive Owner’s Manual (Source: youmadememe.tumblr.com)

Ten Tips For The Novice, Heterosexual submissive Woman (Source: Jay Wiseman / the-iron-gate.com)

Warning Signs for Submissives (Source: RC Bauer / the-iron-gate.com)

What Is A Babygirl? (Source: babygirlsndaddydoms.webs.com)

Books:

BDSM: The Naked Truth by Dr Charley Ferrer

Dear Raven and Joshua: Questions and Answers About Master/Slave Relationships by Joshua Tenpenny and Raven Kaldera

Devil in the Details I: The Art of Mastery, A Mentoring Trilogy - The Master, The Slave, The Power by LT Morrison

Devil in the Details II: The Art of Mastery, A Mentoring Trilogy - Mastery Refine: The Issues, The Skills by LT Morrison

Devil in the Details III: The Art of Mastery, A Mentoring Trilogy - Sustainable Structure and Traning by LT Morrison

Different Loving: The World of Sexual Dominance and Submission by William Brame, Gloria Brame and Jon Jacobs

Living M/s: A Book for Masters, slaves and Their Relationships by Dan and Dawn Williams

Master/slave Relations: Handbook of Theory and Practice by Robert Rubel

Master/slave Relations: Communications 401 by Robert Rubel

Master/slave Relations: Solutions 402, Living in Harmony by Robert Rubel

Protocols: A Variety of Views by Robert Rubel

Real Service by Joshua Tenpenny and Raven Kaldera

Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns: The Romance and Sexual Sorcery of Sadomasochism by Phillp Miller and Molly Devon

SM101: A Realistic Introduction by Jay Wiseman

The Control Book by Peter Masters

The Loving Dominant by John and Libby Warren

The New Bottoming Book by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy.

The New Topping Book by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy.

The Ultimate Guide to Kink: BDSM, Role Play and the Erotic Edge by Tristan Taormino

This Curious Human Phenomenon: An Exploration of Some Uncommonly Explored Aspects of BDSM by Peter Masters

I’ve written previously about what I need, giving spanking its own category. But when I say I need a spanking, what am I really saying? 

Spankings are not all the same for me. In my mind, they break down to about four types: sexual, subspacey, sadistic, and therapeutic. A spanking might move between these, but I think it’s a good framework to start to think about what I feel.

Sexual spankings. I get wet, and I might even cum from the spanking alone. This is especially true if it’s mixed with fingering. These are fun spankings. Less intense pain-wise than other types, and they may not last as long either, moving into sex. The goal is to turn me on. These are a display of dominance, and they don’t require anything deeper than that. 

Subspacey spankings. These are more methodical, building up gradually and paced so I can take more pain. And as it builds, I find that soft, floaty place. I’m wet, but that’s not the focus. Everything goes fuzzy, and it’s just him and me and energy moving between us. I stop thinking. My body moves to obey, but my mind is completely quiet—a rare thing. Usually these start over the knee, with his hand or a paddle. Then once I am warmed up and moaning softly, they move to something harder. A flogger or belt. The cane. These bring the impact back to the forefront, but only to get me to that next level of endorphin release. The goal is not to hurt me; the goal is to help me surrender. 

Sadistic spankings. These can be similar to subspacey spankings in their duration and intensity. The difference is that I don’t get to the floaty place. I stay more mentally present, usually because the pace or the intensity of the pain makes it harder to cope with. The blows come hard and fast, and I am on the verge of yellow at almost all times. With these spankings, I’m not supposed to reach subspace. The goal is to hurt me, and my purpose is simply to accept the pain and endure. It’s still about surrender. But fully conscious surrender, knowing my body is property, and he can use it as he chooses.

Therapeutic spankings. I am pretty good at bottling up feelings and just soldiering on. But a therapeutic spanking can be really helpful for releasing those feelings. I tend to fight the tears and try to keep myself from crying. Even when I know I need to cry. But some combination of the pain and the quiet, consistent tone of the spanking can help me to let go. Then I just cry through it until there are no tears left. There is something cleansing about these spankings. And for that reason, I tend to think of punishment spankings in this category, too. The goal isn’t to hurt me, and it isn’t to quiet my mind. The goal is to show me that he is with me on a deep level—that I can trust him to take care of me when I’m not my best. 

As far as what draws me to spanking, it’s a little of all of this. It turns me on. It quiets my mind. It strengthens the bond between my Dom and me. It gives me an opportunity to give myself to him more deeply, overcoming my instinctive response to the pain and accepting it. And it gives me a deep emotional release and makes me feel safe.