Drinking them up & pissing on everything you love.

distraction ends, intrusive thoughts return in less than 30 seconds

now: posts rant, feels worse, gets confused, then realizes it's because there's nothing to be done that wouldn't make everything worse AND it's my own fault i'm doing badly

Love problems where the solution is to get over myself and for some reason i can't

Love knowing i'm likely doing better in general, and i only hate myself more knowing this is what better looks like, and am disgusted by myself worse because doing better doesn't mean approaching things like a freak and a fucking idiot, but here we are, because i'm too immature to handle things reasonably because my anxiety and my self hatred like to devour me, and i'm more scared of that until this hits, but hey at least i was right and am aware

weird how i'm okay being aware i'm useless but being aware of the degree of useless hits like this huh weird

keep procrastinating on this feeling 'it's just now i'll get over it later' and i do but there's always going to be a later that will become now and i'm going to be sitting here like this and i'm just accepting that

so tempted to say 'fuck it, procrastinate on work more' and do fuck all today and see if it helps

i've been anxious all day bc even tho i was flu-ridden like,, 2 weeks ago i'm STILL having body aches and fatigue and yet can't sleep for more than 2 hours at a time,,, and it's genuinely making me depressed to deal with that and also not get out of the house, which i couldn't do even if there wasn't a fuckin plague upon this earth, because i still have fatigue and body aches. then the depression is hitting my work procrastination which is hitting my anxiety which is hitting my depression in an incredibly stupid cycle as usual,,, and it sucks bc when i get depressed like this i don't. enjoy anything. and i'm not trying to be a shitty spoiled brat being '~oh i can't play because i'm sad~' i just mean i flatline emotionally and can't do the things i normally do and enjoy like games or art or general productive work and i hate it whats the point of being extra sad abt things i wouldn't be able to enjoy in the first place.

i hate the most that in 24 hours,, someone literally only talks out loud toward me to yell about their coworkers being shitty (being angry enough to trigger my anxiety, whoch i. i already told them i had massive nightmares/stress dreams and sleep paralysis, they know it's a bad day for me, but they seem to always tune it out), talk about groceries, or rant about news articles, and give me ~permission~ to play games today like i mentioned i would but only if i help them do things,,??? and then they only ask me for three basicass things. i help do two things they ask me when i'm not distracted (literally just grabbing laundry and deliveries) and miss the other, much smaller thing (putting sauce packets in the fridge), when i'm clearly distracted, and they said it along with some other related food thing???? and they start ripping into the shitty tiny third thing, which i could LITERALY FORGET ABOUT FOR DAYS AND IT WOULD BE FINE. i'm still fucking stressed about it and i argued about it 8 hours ago i think?

i just. i hate living here sometimes. i know i wouldn't be physically comfortable or safe feeling anywhere else for long periods of time, but i hate how emotionally fucked up i get. i hate how the rare times i offer to help and i get brushed off, that they try to be 'accomodating' that i dont need to do things when they fucking mean 'i want you to do this but it's inconvenient for me for it to be done right now and i'm saying it this way so i can pretend i'm benefitting you even if you insist its worse later and i will huff and throw things around when you say so' or 'i'm generally being passive aggressive' or 'if you ask me for clarification on how i prefer it be done (to avoid my rage at it not being done to my preference) it's as bad as you asking me to do it myself and i will become enraged' or a dozen other fucking irrational 'you do this in a way i dislike means i will be more angry than if you did not do it' and wow its a wonder why i dont volunteer beyond the bare minimum and let them deal with the emotional labor of it, even if they complain, because of that unavoidable attitude. and it's ridiculous bc i know it'll make them madder but genuinely genuinely genuinely there's no fucking way they'd be any less pissed if i bothered anyway. i'm just.

just hearing them say 'i guess it's cabin fever' in a way that implied that excuses venting your stress at other people at the first opportunity just. drives me fucking insane. cool. cool. DO YOU SEE ME EVEN TALKING TO YOU. DO YOU SEE ME TAKING OUT GETTING UPSET I'M LITERALLY CRYING FROM A SIDE CRAMP OR A SNEEZE OR SOME SHIT??? DO I TAKE IT OUT ON YOU???? fuck!!! FUCK. i'm just. why is BASIC HUMAN DECENCY SO FUCKING HARD FOR PEOPLE WHO DON'T CONSIDER THEMSELVES MENTALLY UNHEALTHY???? literally, out of maybe 30 sentences said directly to me, HALF OF THEM WERE COMPLAINING ABOUT WALKING SAUCE PACKETS TO A FRIDGE. another few were poorly phrased offers of help to someone else that felt kind of fucking rude. and they get fucking huffy i don't talk to them or angry i don't respond to their venting at me about some asshole at work being irresponsible or an uncle on fb misinforming people, meanwhile i'm like 'my body seized pretty badly just from picking up a cat' and i get an eyeroll or silence or a vague grunt or straight up clear ignorance or 'i'm doing something, stop talking',,, which i'd get if it's work or urgent but it's generally the same shit i do where i just don't want a thought interrupted, but if i fucking do that i get yelled st or passived about. and when i fucking patiently wait for them to be done and say my shit, it's again silence/eyeroll/negative responses that make me wonder why i bothered in the first place. except sometimes its to clarify things i have to do and it STILL gets ignored.

i'm. just so tired. i'm so tired. i'm struggling to distract myself as much as possible from my body being a piece of shit and so far the only real working thing has been d nd but that's only once a week. it usually gets me through but it's usually with a side of being able to meet up with my friends at least a couple times. it's only been like 3 weeks of self quarantine for now and i can fucking tell she's starting to do some happy homemaker shit where i'm fine with the level of grossness in the house and she's going to get pissy and shame me for it and try to haul ass by herself and hurt herself trying because i'm already physically fucked up and not willing to worsen it for something we. don't. NEED. its just. i hate i recognize these cycles and can't do anything about it. i hate that it's going to be an excuse for her to take out her stress on me for not being cooperative but this is absolutely one of those times where emotional toxicity is preferable to physical overexertion.

it's extra fuckin hilarious bc i specifically said i was going to work when i wake up today and she was already getting huffy i have a call in meeting i've had scheduled for today when she was planning to try to get me to do something. i don't fucking know why. she bothers rolling her eyes or sighing loudly when i tell her my plans. especially the nonnegotiable this has been planned a week ahead by someone else ones. and then is fucking surprised when she gets 'inconvenienced' bc on 1am the same day she decides she wants to do house shit and is getting passive aggressive about it already. i'm just. i don't know what i expect when she does this consistently but i'm exhausted. i'm so tired.

i don't even know where this is going or why it got me so badly.

it's been 3 weeks and the avoidance has been a p good strategy. the fact that even with like. starting 5 sentences of sharpish passive aggressive dialogue it got me like this genuinely fucks me up.

i can't even tell if it's just in my head and i'm moodswinging or if i'm gaslighting myself because i consistently think i'm oversensitive because it shouldn't be this bad but it really feels that bad.