fck grl

Presence is inside of me. It is as innate as anything could be. It feels natural; as instinctive and gentle and beautiful as a fawn knowing to lay in dappled sunlight. I lose it often, but the moment I return to it, the moment I am quiet and turn inwards, a soft, warm, i-am-whole feeling is there to welcome me. And I am grateful for this gift. My love and appreciation sometimes feels like light beaming from my eyes while tears of relief well. This is all offered to me? I am graciously asked to be a part of this? How lucky am I to be no different than a willow tree or a muskrat or a goose. The same but different. It gets to experience its roots in the earth, the feeling of sunlight absorbing into its leaves. And I get to hold someones hand, to laugh with friends. Next time I see the willow tree, I'll try to share those experiences. Maybe in return I'll get a glimpse of what it's like to live so slowly.

did I make you feel good? did I look pretty enough- do I look pretty enough? so I did what you wanted? then, please, at the very least let me feel dirty on my own. I pretended and did what you liked, how could you ask me to feel clean and warm and not-empty afterwards? at the very least let me cradle my face and wipe my tears and kiss my scraped knees. if you give me just a moment I can play along again and pretend to feel loved by what you just did.

i’m on my knees with so much blood in my mouth. trying to keep my lips sealed shut and hide my trembling like a dying cat. i can hardly look up at you and all i want is to lay my broken bones down. i don’t want to look up at you, because i know you won’t be looking back at me.