❛❛ steve — ❜❜ the way he stumbles over her name tugs at tender heart strings . she wants so badly to tell him that it’s okay ; that he can still call her that . but she doesn’t . ❛❛ i hope so . ❜❜ that it’s over . that she can find solace in her guilt’s absence , but the hole it left is gaping , abysmal ; endless . the hollands have closure . she gave them that . but would they have needed it , if not for her ? that voice remains , the whisperer unnamed yet relentless in its blame : you killed her , you killed her , you killed her . sometimes it sounds like barb . that word resonates . normal . what does that even look like ? she’s not sure if she knows anymore . normal was fighting with mike over breakfast . normal was passing notes to barb in the middle of class . normal was waiting for steve to climb through her bedroom window , sharing quiet words and hushed giggles at two in the morning . normal was a stranger to her now . lips purse as she chews on the inside of her cheek , lump forming in her throat . and then : “ i got into a decent college . ” it all dissolves away . she beams !
❛❛ that is — wow , that’s so great ! ❜❜ she knew he could . she always knew he could . ❛❛ i am so proud of you . ❜❜
♔♚ OH , BUT HOW STRINGS ONLY TIGHTEN ‘ROUND BEATING HEART , a pain one can only act as though not present & yet nonetheless be there . as a distant ache , each beat requiring the harsher draw of mallets to resonate off drums , bending over chord at each expanse. a smile is drawn in turn of reaction , 𝚋𝚞𝚝 𝚠𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚒𝚜 ‘𝚗𝚎𝚊𝚝𝚑 𝚒𝚝 ! a swell at the base of his throat , choking . she’s proud . ❛ thanks , ❜ & it’s genuine . the echo of degrading words , trivializing —— — - 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚝’𝚜 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚕𝚎𝚊𝚜𝚝 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚌𝚘𝚞𝚕𝚍 𝚍𝚘 . overshadowing . ❛ it’s a bit of a drive from here , but not far enough that i can’t go & come back everyday , but i was debating on just staying there . fresh start , y’know ? get away from here for a bit . ❜
