hey remember when i said im gonna headcanon post? yeah. i am. but perhaps not how i originally thought because im thinking about alexei rozanov
I'm thinking about Alexei Rozanov at six years old being told his mom is pregnant again and being overjoyed. a little brother! he's always wanted a little brother. he's so excited. I'm thinking about him at seven and holding baby Ilya for the first time and thinking, oh, i have to protect this with everything i have. i'm thinking about alexei at thirteen and fourteen, defending his younger, more gentle baby brother. I'm thinking about him at fifteen trying to toughen ilya's exterior, knowing it's not right, knowing he shouldn't, but he's afraid. What happens when people use his softness, his gentleness, against him?
I'm thinking about Alexei Rozanov at sixteen, making dinner for nine year old Ilya while their mother lays in bed, too depressed to move, though no one would ever say it. She just insists she's tired, their father insists she's lazy, and Alexei can see the horrifying sadness behind her eyes but there's nothing he can do. She won't reach out for help and his younger brother still needs to be fed. You'd think he'd burn dinner but no, he's quite practiced. He's been doing this since Ilya was still drinking formula bottles and he'd find his mother in the living room, staring empty into space while the baby cried to be fed. he remembers the first time he made a bottle. It's not so different now.
I'm thinking about Alexei Rozanov at seventeen doing a line for the first time. I'm thinking about how he feels light, liberated, for the first time. I'm thinking about him coming home to see the naive but worried eyes of his baby brother and vowing to not let him see him like this again. and he doesn't. I'm thinking about Ilya now, at eleven, Alexei in the stands at a peewee hockey game getting a little too into it maybe but it's just because that's his baby brother!!! look at him!! he's incredible!! I'm thinking about Alexei seeing the glare of new expectation in his father's eyes and feeling a response of pure dread, knowing he doesn't know if he'll be able to save his brother from his fate.
I'm thinking about Alexei Rozanov at nineteen and the angriest he's ever been. Ilya feels nothing but sadness at the loss of their mother but all Alexei can feel is pure, unadultered rage. How fucking dare she. how dare she leave herself for Ilya, still a baby, to find. how dare she leave him without her gentle love, the kind saved just for him. it was a love that Alexei never got but their mother was too young when he was born, he'd never held it against her. but this, he could hold against her. How could she be the mother Ilya needed, one so sweet and gentle, and then tear it away from him? how could she leave him to the shark of their father? How could she leave a mess of pieces that Alexei would have to pick up and put back together? He didn't know how to pick them up and put them back together. He didn't know what to do. How was he supposed to raise a child? his parents hadn't even raised him
I'm thinking about Alexei Rozanov, who never experienced the love of a parent despite growing up with two, floundering at the thought of it all. Alexei Rozanov at nineteen turning back to the ease of being high. suddenly his nights are filled with lines and bad decision. Ilya is a teenager now and they fight like cats and dogs but alexei watches through the haze of it all knowing Ilya will get out. he'll be able to get out. He's talented and good and headstrong and he'll be able to get out. the thought is a boone as he slips beneath the rose colored release of substances.
I'm thinking about Alexei Rozanov in his twenties. when he's high, which is most of the time, he's not himself, so since he's high most of the time he must be someone different. He calls his brother to ask for money. He neglects his father, which he likely would have done anyways, he fucking hates the evil bastard. Ilya was always kinder. He hates the person he himself is right now, a reflection of that man in many ways. he is cruel and unforgivable.
It starts with his daughter. he and his wife are both too young and too dumb, both hard partiers who would have never planned for something like this, but really, either of them would be reluctant to plan at all. when they find out about the pregnancy they get married. His wife is stronger. stronger than him, certainly, always has been. but stronger than life, too. she gets clean for the pregnancy, delivers a healthy baby, and stays clean. that's when things really start to turn for Alexei. It's not as linear.
he's high every time his brother visits, with his golden memories of their mother and determination to care for their father. with his inherent goodness. and Alexei is cruel and unforgivable and then Ilya lashes out and Alexei knows it's the end. He doesn't call again. Ilya deposits money into a trust for his niece, sends presents that Alexei and his wife give to her. She knows her uncle as almost a mythical figure, one only spoken of positively by her parents as she remembers. She has no recollection of her father's earlier, crueler years. she also has no recollection of what drugs and tragedy can do to a person because he father stops. just like her mother did. he hears his daughter laugh in the arms of her mother and recalls the fight with his first baby and thinks it can never happen again.
I'm thinking about Alexei Rozanov getting clean. getting a different job, getting his degree. apologizing to his wife, again and again. I'm thinking about Alexei Rozanov and the relief he feels knowing his daughter will not know a version of him so unforgivable. I'm thinking about Alexei Rozanov moving out of Russia to America because his daughter is just as soft as Ilya was, just as fragile as his mother, and Alexei cannot watch history repeat itself. So when his wife says she got a job in Flagstaff, Arizona, he packs their things and moves their lives. He gets a job as a history teacher, he always loved history but there was never another path laid out for him aside from the one his father offered. but now he could build his own path. He's everyone's favorite, slightly odd but deeply beloved teacher. the kind who write everyone's college recommendation letters, each one a glowing review of the specific potential of each of his kids.
I'm thinking about Alexei Rozanov watching his wife thrive in the sunshine, and being overcome with the beauty of it all. I'm thinking about him watching his little girl grow to a steadfast and kind young woman. I'm thinking about Alexei Rozanov watching each of his students find their own path. I'm thinking about Alexei Rozanov watching his baby brother find their sunshine from a distance. He knows he can't be forgiven, but he can be grateful.
