Fat Man Trying

I Pray...

1. That others will notice my worth and value, and that I remain unaware of their observation.

2. That others smarter than me make wise decisions that affect and mold the world I live in. I can only hope that my decisions are wise.

3. That God will put me on the path to my own family, that I too may have children, a wife, and legacy.

4. That I can continue to try to live my life with honor. Putting all others first, with my comforts second.

5. That God sees fit to give me courage - to change my life for the better. In order to help others become better. Which will make the world better.

6. That God will help me manage the pain of making those changes.

7. That I honor my Father and Mother. They are the rocks on which my foundation begins.

8. That I find the courage to become a role model. So that those who follow will see good direction, and value in my legacy.

9. To control those emotions that lead to ruin. Greed, jealousy, anger, and hate have no place in the world of an honorable man.

10. That I may learn from all of those around me. Knowledge of all that effects me will affect those all around me.

11. That I will not turn a blind eye to injustice. I wish to change the world. God give me the opportunity to be courageous to stand for those who cannot stand themselves.

12. That I should learn humility. All that I have is not of my making.

13. To remain stoic in the face of ignorance.

14. To honor my forbears. My family lineage is long. Although quiet, it is distinguished.

15. That I try to show love to all of God’s creatures.

16. The courage to begin charity. A life without service is hollow.

17. That I begin to appreciate nature, and its beauty.

18. That I begin to find adventure. Travel, discovery, thought, action - these are essential to quality of life.

19. To forgo self pity and doubt. All things are possible, with courage and faith and action.

20. That at the end of my day, I rest well, and satisfied with my day’s accomplishments.

I woke up late today. I have slept late many times over the past few months. Today just feels different. I meandered around for a few minutes and decided that I needed to put a few things down in writing in order to ease my mental state.

Where do I go from here? Like many people, the past few months have caused life changes for me to deal with. 48 years old, unmarried, no girlfriend, no money, overweight and facing unemployed due to a pandemic that I never thought would happen - how did I even get to that point? After waiting for things to get better - they did not. Laid off from my job of 13 years, with more large life challenges looming, I did not react well. 

Many people have used the furlough/unemployed time to better themselves. I did not. I stressed, meandered around, tried to work on projects, tried to work out, de-cluttered and generally moped. I wasted the entire month of July trying to organize and ready myself. I failed. I wasted 30 days of time that could have been productive. It has been ultimately depressing.

It has been exhausting. Many are the days I have spent wasted on debate and arguing about social issues, pandemics, politics and other topics. It is mentally taxing to continue to argue and debate with those who just refuse to see your point of view or are so strident in their view that they refuse to acknowledge the simplest of truths. I have been insulted, derided and threatened - and am amazed at the attitudes/beliefs of people that I have known for a long time  - including friends and family. BLM, kneeling, Civil Rights, confederate flags & monuments, politics, COVID conspiracies are all in the present awareness. These topics have put me at odds with many people and I have lost friends.

I need to decide where I am going from here. I have been given time, and resources that will allow me to refocus, redirect and move forward. I cannot afford to waste any more of the blessings I have been given. I am taking the next couple of months to focus on health, habits and ultimately, the continuance of my career. Its going to be a long road ahead. I am going to pray, concentrate, and focus on what I need to do to make my life happier. Its where I need to go from here.

Dear Soldier,

Hello. You do not know who I am, but hopefully you will see this note that I wrote to you, and will hopefully appreciate my poor words.

Today is a national holiday here in the United States of America.  It is known as Memorial Day - according to Wikipedia it is an “American holiday, observed on the last Monday of May, honoring the men and women who died while serving in the U.S. military. Originally known as Decoration Day, it originated in the years following the Civil War and became an official federal holiday in 1971. Many Americans observe Memorial Day by visiting cemeteries or memorials, holding family gatherings and participating in parades”.  

It is important that we have such a day of remembrance. Often times, we forget the meaning of holidays, and they become bastions of corporate greed (holiday sales), or excuses to go swimming, BBQ up some ribs on the grille, or get together and party it up. 

As a student of history, as well as the son of a career military man, days like today make me pause and contemplate the place in history that you occupy. Whether you charged the British at Bunker Hill, raced across the plains at Gettysburg, fought off Santa Anna at the Alamo, faced down Germany in WWI, raced across the sand at Omaha Beach, slogged through the jungles of Vietnam, pushed back Saddam Hussein in Kuwait or Iraq, patrolled the hills of Afghanistan looking for terrorists, or participated in the thousands of battles and skirmishes that have affected the way of American life, you are celebrated and revered. It is due to your sacrifice that I am allowed to participate in the life affirming behavior that goes on during this holiday.

I can only humbly thank you for what you have done, and hope that when/if I have children that I can tell them the history of the many valiant men and women that went above and beyond, often at the expense of their own lives to liberate the oppressed, defend their loved ones, and put an end to tyranny and those who would seek to dominate this world we live in. Days like today are important. We should not mourn those who die fulfilling their destinies, but will honor those brave souls to whom words like “honor”, “duty”, “sacrifice” have deeper meaning.

Here is an old picture of my smiling face. Hilariously enough, this was actually the same night that I asked a friend out on a date. She not-so-subtly made her interest known after we had had dinner and cocktails amongst several friends. The end result - a few dates then told that it wouldn't work out. Still friends to this day, though.

Valentine’s Day has become just another day. One assumes that on a day that everyone celebrates “love” that the spirit would be upbeat, and that the heart would be open. Surely, I am loved. I know this. My wonderful Mother texted me this morning just to tell me so - and I am her favorite son. Just ask her! But for many, including myself - there is just that small part inside that wishes that days like this could have deeper meaning. The blessing of buying flowers and candy, the dinner reservation for two at a crowded restaurant - making fun of all of the holiday rookies with big aspirations but small wallets. The coy smile, the big hug, the warm feeling - all important to those still seeking to fill that “space”.

I remember the first time that I actually celebrated V-Day with a significant other. I bought flowers, candy, jewelry and made those reservations at a busy restaurant. The end result - almost 5 years of togetherness, an almost proposal, but with some harsh lessons learned after being told - “I am just not in love with you anymore”.

Many years have passed, and Valentines fades into another work day. Another day of the week to get up early, and finish late. I spent this night with two of my favorite friends - Ben & Jerry. They gave me the loving gift of some Cherry Garcia. My date snuggled up to me and put her head in my lap - her cold, wet nose was comforting. I went outside and saw my other friends, the Moon and the Stars. They twinkled at me - so I knew that someone smiling down on me.

Tonight I received an IM from a wonderful friend who has had a rough past year. It encompassed all of the things that make me cringe - the death of a loved one, a painful break up, sick loved ones -many soul crushing events. I had to be sure she knew that I believed that she is a mighty ball of fire that will never be any less wonderful than she is already. And my wish for her is that she too, can let today fade into just another day, and then try again next Valentines Day.

This is the first I have written on my blog in a while. Today was a long day filled with odd musings, sadness, and anxiousness.

It is never a good start to the day when you read about a young, well beloved sports start passing away due to tragic circumstances, then ending day with news of one of your favorite sports icons passing away after a long and successful life.

As I am wont to do, I begin to think of my place in the universe, or more accurately, history of the universe and this world. What the measure of ones life? How will I be remembered? What have I done to make a legacy that is worth remembering? I am not a doctor, a sports icon, a political figure, a world leader. What will be my legacy?

The one legacy that I fear is not living up to those who have come before me. My parents have a legacy of military and public service that they are continually building. My father served his country with dignity and honor during war. My mother has taught and cared for countless babies and toddlers through her work with the church. They have taken care of countless family members who have had tragedy and misfortune - with no hesitation. I have only taken care of myself to this point, and poorly at that.

As I move into my 45th year, these questions become more insistent, more demanding. And after watching the passing of those icons today, I wonder more importantly - how much time do I have left? Am I wasting it? What am I worth?

I pray....

1. That others will notice my worth and value, and that I remain unaware of their observation.

2. That others smarter than me make wise decisions that affect and mold the world I live in. I can only hope that my decisions are wise.

3. That God will put me on the path to my own family, that I too may have children, a wife, and legacy.

4. That I can continue to try to live my life with honor. Putting all others first, with my comforts second.

5. That God sees fit to give me courage - to change my life for the better. In order to help others become better. Which will make the world better.

6. That God will help me manage the pain of making those changes.

7. That I honor my Father and Mother. They are the rocks on which my foundation begins.

8. That I find the courage to become a role model. So that those who follow will see good direction, and value in my legacy.

9. To control those emotions that lead to ruin. Greed, jealousy, anger, and hate have no place in the world of an honorable man.

10. That I may learn from all of those around me. Knowledge of all that effects me will affect those all around me.

11. That I will not turn a blind eye to injustice. I wish to change the world. God give me the courage to stand for those who cannot stand themselves.

12. That I should learn humility. All that I have is not of my making.

13. To remain stoic in the face of ignorance.

14. To honor my forbears. My family lineage is long. Although quiet, it is distinguished.

15. That I try to show love to all of God’s creatures.

16. The courage to begin charity. A life without service is hollow.

17. That I begin to appreciate nature, and its beauty.

18. That I begin to find adventure. Travel, discovery, thought, action - these are essential to quality of life.

19. To forgo self pity and doubt. All things are possible, with courage and faith.

20. That at the end of my day, I rest well and satisfied with my day’s accomplishments.

I Saw Myself Today

In my bedroom sits an antique mirror. Made of mahogany, it is roughly 5 feet tall, oval shaped, and sits in the corner of the room. Awesome piece of beautiful furniture. I was proud that I did my best “American Picker” imitation when I bought it. I haggled it down to 1/3rd its asking price and “bundled” it with an old framed picture and walked away satisfied. I love that mirror. Until today.

I stepped out of the shower this morning and into my room. Out of the corner of my eye I saw movement, and turned to see my reflection. I was shocked. In the mirror stood an overweight, early 40ish man with spiky hair and glasses. Standing there in all of his “glory”, transfixed by what he saw. I stood there staring at my reflection for a long time, and I grew sad. Not so long ago, in that mirror stood a strapping, muscular, chubby cheeked, grinning lad. Now there was this.....thing.

I sat and stared. Sometimes, we are often blind to our own situation - until we look into a mirror. See, the mirror wont lie. It cant. When confronted by the image, I began  to ask questions. What has happened to me? What am I doing? Where am I going? Why is it this way? What do I have to do to make it better? Why am I unhappy? When will I get to be happy? What is missing? How do I find the things that are missing? The more questions, the more crushing the weight of that image staring back at me becomes.

I stared at the mirror for a long time. I felt every pint of Ben &Jerry’s, every pizza, every steak, every pasta dish, every piece of fattening food I have eaten. I felt every mean thing said to me, every insult, every jibe or nasty remark. I felt every friendship lost, every relationship failed, every crush unreturned. Every word unspoken, every good deed undone, every missed opportunity. Every dollar spent, every bad purchase made.

I eventually tore my gaze away, realizing I had work to do, people to call, direction to give, and problems to solve. I put on the 5x clothes, combed the thinning hair, brushed the snaggle teeth and went out to work on my daily tasks. I felt the weight of that gaze all day long.

Nothing better to make you aware of your situation than a mirror.

This year has been painful. This year has been very hard, especially seeing all of the changes the world has wrought, and the pain and suffering that it has caused. Shooting deaths, the deaths of childhood idols, the vitriol of a contested government office, the spiritual, mental, and social breakdowns of a world that used to make sense to me are included. Why does my heart grow heavy? Why even care any more? What does one do when faced with the anger and unreasonable emotions of those who would rather demand, than look to all sources before making decisions. What do you do when faced with the ultimatum of “if you don't do this, then you are no longer”! Why care?

1. I almost defriended someone tonight on Facebook. Someone I care a great deal for and that I hoped that I had a great influence on. It was at her ultimatum/request. Why? Because I might hold a different opinion/view, or another philosophy than her “all or nothing” request. See, when I debate or contest a point, I do so with knowledge of the person I am debating in mind. The logical exchange of viewpoints doesn't need to affect one’s care and concern for the others viewpoint. I have Atheist/Agnostic friends - yet I don't say “If you don't believe in God then I want you to unfriend me, seriously”. How is that logical? Its not. Why should I care if someone has a opposite or different view from me? Because that is the pathway to greater understanding and intelligence.

2. I have refrained (mostly) from political debate for a long time. I am a Republican. Yes, a Republican. I believe in the concepts of strong military, smaller concentric government, and the advent of capitalism. So, de-friend me because of my political affiliation - as opposed to the fact that those who know me know that it is possible to have different beliefs, and not be an ass about it. Some people cannot. “Unfriend me if your voting for Trump”. “Unfriend me if you are voting for Killary”. “ Feel the Bern”. Why do I care? Because understanding both sides of a political debate on an issue and then making an informed decision is the path to greater understanding and responsible civic duty. I do not like either presumptive candidate for the record, and I am undecided on my choice.

3. 50 dead. 53 wounded. Senseless. Violent. Sad. Why do I care? Why should this bring tears to my eyes? Because I am also a citizen of humanity. My gun rights position, assault weapons beliefs, hatred of ISIL, my support of the LGBT community, all immaterial in the face of the ultimate deaths of 50 human beings enjoying the fellowship of each other. Ended. Gone. My heart hurts for the innocent, the poor, the downtrodden, and the oppressed. So I weep. Silently. Those who seek to politicize the event should look deep within and wonder, why is this your platform? Why do you seek to advance your agenda? I weep for those departed. I care.

4.I watched the service for Muhammad Ali this week. I was moved. I teared up. Why so? I didn't know him personally. I didn't associate with anyone in his family. I am not famous. Why care? Because when you see those around him in pain, you know that he meant some thing to those people. And that is a path to understanding his place in the world. The Ali center. Him helping the suicidal man off a ledge. Going on missions to Africa. Helping Billy Crystal raise funds for a arts scholarship. Those are the actions of someone invested in humanity. That I can weep for. That I care about. I also got emotional when Prince died. Why? Another icon of my youth that used music to entertain the youth of my time. Also charitable, donated time, and a man of a different faith. He was a Jehovah’s Witness - very different from what I believe. I guess I should not have listened to any of his music because of our different religious beliefs. Not logical. Why deprive myself of great music, poetry, rhythm, and killer guitar solos due to that difference? Maybe I should have just de-friended him....