Fantasy Cosco, But Dysfunctional

Staff, magical Prerequisites: full spellcaster or half-caster, non-lawful alignment

A metal staff that has clearly seen its fair share of the world and has been inscribed with the runes, notes, passages, and other instructions for spells from every sort of magical practice, it was once owned by a well-known magician and thief.

The Staff holds ten charges, which may be recharged in libraries, universities, or other magical institutions. The wielder may expend one charge to cast any spell for which they have the spell slot (though they do not need to expend one) that they can name and describe without reference, regardless of class restrictions or component requirements (although the Staff will naturally require a Verbal component to function).

If all charges are expended, the Staff’s inscriptions fade and the Staff becomes unusable.

Armor (varies), magical Prerequisites: Cleric or Paladin class, armor proficiency, attunement

A set of plate armor (full plate, half-plate, or breastplate) forged from steel which has been stained with the ichor of a god, which gives the armor its golden sheen. When attuned to the armor, the wearer gains the following traits:

Divinely Protected. You gain additional +1 to AC while wearing this armor.

Chivalrous. Whenever you restore HP to another creature, you regain HP equal to half the amount restored. This does not apply to temporary HP granted.

Divine Protector. When you cast shield of faith on a creature other than yourself, you can activate this ability to also grant the creature temporary HP equal to 1d8 + your Spellcasting modifier. Once you use this ability, it can’t be used again until you complete a short or long rest.

Longsword, pseudo-magical Prerequisites: none

An inconspicuous longsword which emits bright blue light in a 10-foot-radius when in the presence of orcs (or half-orcs). It also sings faintly in Common about being a legal alien when the above condition is met, which can be heard within a 15-foot radius.

Wondrous item (stamp), semi-magical Prerequisites: none

A stamp of a simple anti-divination rune carved from yew with a small well of black ink. When a living creature is stamped with this, their vital signs, such as breathing or pulse, are completely masked, and they cannot be otherwise investigated with divination magic. This has no bearing on Stealth. The creature can only be detected by a creature with Truesight or with a scrying spell or higher. The ink well holds enough for ten stamps, after which it must be refilled.

Headwear, magical Prerequisites: attunement

A purple hat poorly adorned with stars à la the stereotypical wizard hat. On its own, it has no innate properties. However, while worn, it gains a charge whenever the wearer fails a check or saving throw, up to 10 charges. While the hat holds charges, before making a check or saving throw, the wearer can expend any number of charges to gain that number as a bonus toward the roll. This ability must be activated before the roll in question is made. The Hat’s charges reset at the end of each long rest.

Miscellaneous (wire attachment), nonmagical Prerequisites: none

A wire decorated with the teeth of various humanoids, beasts, and monsters, which can be wound around the handle or pommel of a melee weapon. When attached to a weapon, all successful hits with that weapon deal an additional 1d6 piercing damage.

Armor (plate mail), semi-magical Prerequisites: Fighter or Ranger class, heavy armor proficiency

Ancient plate armor which has been enchanted in honor of the legend of Orion, the Hunter. When worn, it grants the wielder the following: +4 Attack bonus to all attacks made with ranged weapons, along with clubs; an AC of 18 (if it not already higher); and gives no Disadvantage to Stealth rolls. It magically grafts to fit the wearer. However, whenever the wearer is successfully hit with an arrow or bolt, the attacker rolls a second d20. On a 15 or higher, the attack deals critical damage.

Headwear, magical Prerequisites: Aries Zodiac

A misshapen and hastily-cobbled-together steel helmet adorned with ram’s horns. When worn, it gives a +1 to AC against non-magical damage at least one size larger than the wearer.

In addition, the helm responds to the zodiac sign of the wearer; if of the Aries zodiac, the helm will glow a faint burgundy. If so, the wearer can activate the helm’s special ability to contact a ghost of their choice once per day. They must know the face of whomever they intend to contact, and the ghost is not obliged to be truthful. If someone not of the Aries zodiac tries to use this ability, their head fills with ghastly screeching instead, and is flung from their head.

Weapon (light hammer), magical Prerequisites: attunement

A magically inflated red-and-blue gavel with “BIF” emblazoned in comic print on the side, it wheezes loudly and irritably when squeezed or otherwise agitated. It can be used as a light hammer, dealing thunder damage instead of bludgeoning damage. In addition, the BIF has five charges, regaining 1d4+1 charges at dusk. When squeezed, a charge can be expended to cast thunderwave at third level.

If the wielder takes over 10 piercing damage at once while holding the BIF, roll 1d20. On an 5 or lower, the BIF is pierced and deflates, and cannot be used until repaired with a mending spell or similar.

Cape, magical Prerequisites: attunement

A sequined black cape with a hood and a long train which fades from black to blood orange to bright yellow. When attuned, it grants the wearer immunity to catching on fire or taking fire damage from non-magical causes. If in dim light or darkness, it also grants the wearer a +2 to all visual Stealth checks.

Wondrous item (bottle), magical Prerequisites: none

A golden-colored, semi-opaque glass bottle with a label reading “If you treat me nicely, I will be sweet. If you treat me roughly, I will get mad.” Once per day, you may use the bottle to either:

(1) Produce honey; by uncorking it gently, the bottle will pour out a stream of honey equivalent to approximately one pint, or

(2) Produce a swarm of bees; by shaking it violently before opening the bottle, an angry swarm of bees will attack a creature of the holder’s choice within 30 ft.

The Swarm of Bees have the stats AC 12, 5d8 HP, Speed 20, [Str 3 | Dex 13 | Con 10 | Int 1 | Wis 7 | Cha 5]. It deals 4d4 piercing damage per turn.

The Bottle of Bees turns on its owner if the bottle broken.

Headwear (crown), semi-magical (minor Curse) Prerequisites: evil alignment

A ring of interwoven branches of yew shed of their needles, it resembles a Crown of Thorns from afar but otherwise is very different in properties. While worn, any food which the wearer touches or waves their hand over becomes incredibly poisonous, causing problems with circulation, breathing, and control of muscles until inevitably leading to heart failure. Its unremarkable taste means that anyone who consumes the poisoned food is unlikely to notice; as its poison takes hours to kill, a large recipe poisoned may kill not only those first to bite but those later to the table as well. The only person not susceptible to the poison is the wearer, along with those normally immune to poison.

Inspired by the Heartrender Corporalki in Leigh Bardugo’s Grishaverse!

Amulet, magical Prerequisites: 7th-level Wizard or Sorcerer; attunement

A heart-shaped amulet, it is shaped in a way that makes it look eerily close to a real human heart, with perfectly-tumbled rubies, garnets, and hematite set into silver. Heavy in the hand, it is only just too small to be the real thing. The Amulet is warm to the touch, and those who hold it in their hands for long periods of time swear that they feel it beat softly in their hands.

The first time a possible user holds the Amulet, they are overcome with waves of grief, overwhelming their mind; against a DC 18, they must succeed on a Constitution saving throw or have their HP maximum reduced by 3d4. Those who cannot use the Amulet and attempt to hold it cause it to temporarily take on the appearance and feeling of a living heart, which pumps out thick, acidic black liquid (2d6 acid damage). Though potential users only suffer a decrease in hit points once, the Amulet will always secrete the liquid upon being picked up.

To attune to the Amulet, the beholder must keep it on them until they drop to 1 or 0 HP; upon this, they regain the previously-lost (from their maximum) hit points and become attuned. If reduced to 0 HP, the beholder regains the HP but waits one turn before becoming conscious; while unconscious, any damage dealt is null.

While attuned, the Amulet allows the beholder to act upon the world around them on a microscopic or atomic level, manipulating the internal tissues and organs of organisms within their sight. The Amulet holds ten charges at a time, recharging whenever a humanoid dies within twenty feet of the Amulet, and the charges may be spent to activate its various abilities.

Heartbreak (3 charges) - Focussing on the heart of one target, the wielder attempts to snap and hold shut the heart valves, stopping the flow of blood through the body. The target contests with their Constitution versus the wielder’s Strength at a disadvantage; if the wielder succeeds, the target takes 6d8 force damage and must roll a Constitution saving throw (DC 18) or take an additional 2d8 force damage each additional turn.

Spasm (1 charge) - Focussing on one part of the target besides the heart, the wielder causes a group of muscles to spasm uncontrollably for 1d4 minutes. Effects vary depending on part of the body, up to the DM. The target makes a Constitution saving throw to resist the effects (DC 18).

Brittle Bones (2 charges) - Focussing on the skeleton of one target, the wielder causes the bones to rapidly decalcify, effectively causing hyper-osteoperosis. The target must succeed on a Constitution saving throw (DC 18) or have Disadvantage on all Strength, Dexterity, and Constitution rolls until completing a long rest or other revival. In addition, the target rolls a d20 when receiving any bludgeoning, force, or thunder damage; on a 12 or lower, damage received is doubled.

Emesis (1 charge) - Focussing on the stomach of one target, the wielder causes the target to violently vomit their gastric juices for up to 2d4 turns. Each turn, the target rolls a Constitution saving throw (DC 18) or takes 2d8 acid damage. After a successful save, the condition ends.

Once attuned to the Amulet, its condition is tied to that of the wielder. When the wielder drops below half their HP, the Amulet dulls, and all damage and effects dealt are halved, and once the wielder drops below 10 HP, the Amulet becomes completely unusable. If the Amulet is impacted or otherwise damaged, the wielder takes a d10 of damage for each point of damage which would have been taken by the Amulet (ex. 8 = 8d10).