i feel embarrassed to have fantasy prone disorder sometimes.
like i know i have it. if i had anything else, id be diagnosed by now bc this household doesn't shy away from diagnosis and doesn't shy away from getting help. (maybe)
but it's like a curse to me at times. no one takes it seriously, I cant get accommodations and it's something entirely "fictional" to people.
fantasilis is even worse. it's not shizophrenia or delusions. it's your identity and sense of reality made up of fiction from childhood to adulthood and beyond and never beinf able to find comfort in anything else.
visionauris makes me feel like shit. hearing and seeing shit is a bit scary to other people and they think it's some disease. for me, my fantasies are just tricking my senses into experiencing them on sensorial planes. have fun laughing at the jester when im hearing the voices of fictional characters while downplaying how bad it can get by saying "isn't that just soulbounding! this feels like plurality!" to my face and labeling fantasy prone disorder as a way to medicalize plural-adjacent identities... this has happened TWICE.
Reality shifting seems to be harder than before. I used to soothe my fantasies when I got home because the visionauris would get so bad that i couldn't focus bc there would be so much noise. I want to reality shift more, and maybe I want a bit of a "shut up voices, fantasy begone," kind of thing that lasts at least 7 hours for work.
in relation to my identities, fantasy prone disorder does affect them a lot. while me being a shifter is congenital and also based in my family history - what I am and how I experience it is still heavily intertwined in fantasy affecting my sensory. Id still feel these things if I was a regular shifter but it's intense here - ever present - ongoing.
If they consider fantasy prone personality disposition a lifelong involvement, why do they refuse to acknowledge the existence of something that isn't just lifelong but detrimental at points.
where your memory is missing and replaced by fantasy. where your identity is entirely made up of fantasy, even if most of it is true, the blanks are filled in with ideas. where you can't sleep because you keep going through the loop of nightmare fantasies that keep you awake. where you develop paranoia, where your senses have been heightened to the point of being fine tuned like an animal, when you are kept on your toes and denied care because you "don't have a disorder".
i don't...care if it isn't a disorder. i just want to find something that is effective and that helps to keep me from scaring myself shitless at night and making me forgetful in the morning - i don't need to be labeled anything - i would like affordable help?
that's too much to ask, probably.