I say, screw fear. I’m telling my own damn story.

As Monty pulled up to Arkadia Academy, the nerves started getting more and more prominent for Clarke. Arkadia Academy loomed in front of them, the students bustling about. Many of them were getting dropped off just as Clarke was about to. They all looked so happy and hopeful for the new school year. It all seemed completely normal.

What Clarke was about to do was anything other than normal. She expected, if she could pull it off, it would be a great story to tell people. But if she couldn’t pull this off, it could really screw up her future. She tried not to think of that fact. It made her want to run screaming in the other direction- all the hard work her friends had done be damned.

“Guys,” Clarke interrupted the guys’ banter about how long Clarke would be able to pull this off. “I don’t know if I can do this.” She wiped the sweat from her palms onto her school uniform pants. If she was this big of a wreck before even starting in on her lie, what would it be like when she met her roommate for the first time?

What if she was making a horrible decision? What if they kicked her out of school? With that reputation, she would have to move out of the area to finish school. Would colleges even look at her if this failed? She was breaking so many rules, and she’d be deceiving so many people. It had been easy to think about doing it, but now that she was looking it in the eye, she wasn’t sure she could go through with it.

“Don’t be getting cold feet now,” Monty told her as he pulled up in front of the school, placing the car in park before turning in his seat to face Clarke.

“Since when does Clarke Griffin get cold feet?” Jasper asked, leaning forward from the back seat. He placed his hand reassuringly onto her shoulder.

“Since she’s going to be impersonating a boy,” Clarke retorted, pulling down the visor to look into the mirror, pulling her wig into place. She still looked feminine, but she hoped it still looked somewhat natural. No one knew what Finn looked like, she reminded herself, it would be fine.

“Do your best Finn voice,” Monty instructed, trying to get her to focus on something other than the possibility of failure.

Clearing her throat, Clarke lowered her voice a little, “Yo, I’m Finn Collins, the new center forward.”

“Try more gravely,” Jasper suggested.

Clarke did as she was instructed, “Finn Collins, center forward.”

“Much better,” Monty and Jasper agreed, smiling at her encouragingly.

“Get out and show us your manly walk,” Monty told her.

Clarke turned and stared out the window of the car, watching the other students walk down the sidewalk. The moment she stepped out of the car was the moment all of this became real. There’d be no turning back. Everyone would see her, and she’d have to start in on the lie.

Taking a deep breath, she steeled herself to be immediately ridiculed and seen as a fake as she opened the car door and stepped out onto the sidewalk. A couple girls walking by nodded a greeting in Clarke’s direction, and she immediately tried to scramble back into the car.

“Oh my god, they knew!” she hissed at Jasper and Monty as she tried sneak back in. It wasn’t too late to stop this madness.

“What?” Monty asked, leaning forward into the passenger seat so that Clarke couldn’t get back in. “No, they didn’t. They just said hello!”

“They could tell just by looking at me,” Clarke cried.

“They were just being friendly!” Monty replied.

“Get out of that car this instant. You’re making a scene!” Jasper stage whispered at them as he got out of the car and attempted to pull Clarke out from behind.

“You guys need to take me home now,” Clarke insisted, not budging from her position as half in and half out of the car.

“No, we’re not. We worked really hard to get you here, and we’re not backing down now,” Monty told her, shoving at her shoulders.

“This was a mistake. They’re going to find out, and it’s going to ruin my life,” Clarke told them, as she shoved Monty’s hands away.

“Clarke Griffin, you get out of this car now,” Monty whisper yelled at her as he shoved her forward. Jasper grabbed Clarke by the waist and pulled her fully out of the car while Monty crawled over the console and out of the passenger side of the car.

Standing up straight, Clarke smoothed down the wrinkles in her pants and made sure her wig was in place as she glanced around to see if anyone was staring at them. Thankfully, no one was paying them any attention; they all had much bigger things to be worrying about.

“Now show me your strut,” Jasper insisted as Monty slammed the car door. They just needed to get confident Clarke back.

Clarke sighed as she straightened her blazer jacket. After taking a deep breath, she turned and walked a few paces away, mimicking the way Monty walked. On her way back, she mimicked Jasper’s walk. She’d been doing her homework and had started mimicking all the guys she saw. If she was going to mimic a guy, she wanted to do it right.

“Good,” Jasper approved. “Now hawk a loogie.”

Clarke wrinkled her nose. “Hawk a loogie? What, am I going to be doing that a lot?” she asked slightly appalled.

Jasper shrugged, “You never know when the occasion might arise. You have to be ready for anything.”

After giving Jasper a look, she glanced around to make sure there weren’t too many people watching before she spat her best loogie onto the sidewalk. She felt gross for doing it, but it was for a good cause.

“I’m so proud,” Monty cut in before Clarke could say anything else. “We’ve raised you well.”

“You’ve made Monty and me very proud fathers,” Jasper jested, unable to stop himself from laughing at his own joke.

“Well, you guys have been the best dads any trouble making son could ask for,” Clarke continued with the joke.

They really had been a great support base. She wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for them hooking her up with everything that she would need. They had been oddly serious about the situation, genuinely helping her without any questions asked. Of course, they joked about certain aspects of the whole thing- because really, this was a hilarious situation. Clarke was just a bit too close to see that now.

“Just remember: Inside every girl, there’s a boy,” Jasper told her. “Wait...”

“That did not come out right, but you get the gist,” Monty replied. “Go get ‘em, Tiger!”

Clarke nodded before grabbing her bags from the trunk and started heading up the sidewalk onto campus. She turned back once to wave goodbye to the guys. They wave furiously at her before she continued down the sidewalk in search of her dorm.

There were a ton of students on campus already unpacked or procrastinating unpacking. As Clarke walked, she watched as several were throwing a frisbee back and forth on the green, there were tables set up all over to help people find whatever they needed, but most of the students were kids trying to find their way to their own dorm rooms the same as Clarke was.

Fortunately, Clarke knew which dorm and room number hers was. She just had to find it. Thankfully, people at the tables were friendly and pointed her in the right direction. She’d successfully had a conversation with someone who didn’t immediately know she was actually a girl. Winning!

The entire walk, her heart pounded, waiting for someone to shout that she was a fraud. Someone was bound to see through the disguise. Blessedly, no one did, and she had been able to walk the campus in relative peace. It was a miracle.

As she pulled open the door to her dorm building, she saw guys running through the halls, throwing things at each other. Laughter and yelling and teasing filled the hallway. Some were dressed, some had no shirt, and some were running around in only a towel. It was pure chaos.

She could do this. She was Finn Collins, a dude, a boy, a man. She was an attractive, feminine man. She could do this. She could be a man. She just needed to act cocky, like she owned the place.

Winding her way through the hall, she ducked under basketballs and tried not to trip over the soccer balls getting kicked around. It was hard not to run into anyone as she turned corners, as it always seemed someone was barreling down the hallway. Everything was a mess, and it took everything in Clarke not to panic.

Thankfully, she found her room number and found the door to be open. Hurrying between two boys, she practically fell into the room, spun, and slammed the door shut. Leaning her forehead against the coolness of the dorm, she seriously wondered how she was going to fit in here with all this madness.

Letting out a deep breath, she turned and found herself staring at three boys who were all staring at her. She needed to make a good first impression, she knew. Of all the people she needed to get along with on campus, she needed it to be her roommates. It wouldn’t make this situation any better to be living with a person who hated her for two weeks. And if she could trick her roommate into thinking she was a boy, she could trick anyone into believing it.

“Hey,” she said, and then realizing that had come out more feminine than she wanted, she cleared her voice and tried again, deeper and gravellier like Monty and Jasper had instructed. “Hey!” And that came out like she was yelling. She wanted to hit her head against the wall. Coughing to cover up her blunder, she just continued, “What’s up?”

Do something cool, she told herself. So, she tried to throw her keys in the air and catch them. You know, what cool kids do. Instead, the keys bounced off her palm, and she looked like an idiot as she fumbled to catch them. Just get to the bed, throw your stuff down, and be cool!

Clarke Griffin, girl, was not used to being such a mess. She wasn’t necessarily popular, but she didn’t normally come off so stiff and rigid. Clarke Griffin, girl, was a natural born leader who got things done and wasn’t scared of anything. Clarke “Finn Collins”, boy, was a giant klutz apparently who couldn’t say anything the way it was supposed to come out.

“You guys must be my roommates,” she tried again when no one immediately said anything.

One of the guys was only wearing a towel around his waist as he was digging through a bag. He chuckled a little at her awkwardness. “What’s your name?” he asked.

Clarke finally managed to get to the bed and dump her stuff onto it without looking like a bumbling fool. “I’m Finn Collins.” Clarke held her hand out to the guy,

“I’m Bellamy Blake,” he took Clarke’s hand.

Jasper and Monty were always doing secret handshakes and the like, so Clarke decided it would be cool to do one of them with Bellamy. So, when Bellamy accepted Clarke’s handshake, she pulled him in for a hug as well, clapping Bellamy on the back.

“Okay,” Bellamy seemed surprised, caught off guard. “Okay,” he pulled himself away rather forcefully and Clarke was a little concerned as to what she had done wrong. Her friends did it all the time. “Uh, this here is Miller and Murphy, they’ll be next door.” Bellamy gestured to his friends.

Clarke waved politely at them.

“Freshman dorm’s that way,” Miller told her, a frown on his face.

“Seriously, how old are you?” Murphy asked.

She hadn’t taken into consideration that she’d look that young to these guys. “Uh, I skipped a couple grades,” she replied, laughing slightly to cover up how nervous this whole conversation was making her. The longer she had it, the worse she began to feel. Lying was never her forte.

Turning, she headed for the bed, tripping slightly on the edge of it as she tried to sit down. She closed her eyes as she tried to get situated. She couldn’t even look Bellamy in the eyes. What must he think of her? That she was a klutzy idiot? A socially inept moron? A freak? All would be correct. Her entire face was on fire and she could only imagine how red her face must be at the moment.

“So, uh, when’s soccer tryouts?” Clarke asked, trying to get back onto solid ground. She was losing them. She needed to get them to think she was okay.

“Tomorrow,” Bellamy answered. “You play?” Clarke had to give him credit for at least attempting to be nice and converse with her still.

“Absolutely. Center forward,” Clarke answered. “Do you play the beautiful game, bro? Brothers? Brethren?” God, she needed to stop talking, she was just making this ten times worse.

Bellamy laughed before answering, “Yeah, I’m a striker. Murphy and Miller are halfbacks.”

“Sweet!” Clarke nodded before turning to start unpacking her bags. The sooner this conversation ended the better.

Pulling out her shoes, she set them aside while she dug out her uniforms. They needed to be hung up right away before they wrinkled. As she pulled them out of the bag, her hand hit her shoe, which was hiding her tampons, causing the shoe to fall onto the floor and making her box of tampons extremely visible.

“Why do you have tampons?” Bellamy asked, a little concerned. And even with her back to the boys, she could hear Miller and Murphy get up and stand behind Bellamy, waiting for her answer.

Clarke wanted to crawl under her bed and never come out. Think,think, think! Why would a boy have tampons? Thankfully, one of the other reasons Clarke had excelled being team captain was that she was quick to think on her feet. “Nosebleeds,” she blurted. “I get really bad nosebleeds.”

“So, you stick them up your nose?” Murphy asked confused.

Just go with it, Clarke told herself before turning around. “Uh, yeah. What?” she made herself look concerned. “You’ve never done that?” The boys all shook their heads in unison. “Oh, Beckham does it all the time!”

“Seriously?” Bellamy asked.

“Duh, that’s why I started doing it. I figured if a great soccer player such as him was doing it, it’s got to be the right thing to do. Look,” she bent down to retrieve her shoe and grabbed a tampon from the box. Pulling it out of the wrapper, she explained, “you take that off, whatever that is,” she threw away the plastic applicator, “and you stick it into your nose. It absorbs right up!” Clarke stuffed the tampon up her nose.

The boys burst out laughing, turning away from her. “My god, your roommate’s a freak!” Murphy told Bellamy, elbowing him in the side.

Clarke turned around, tampon still up her nose. Sighing, she took it out and threw it away quickly. She just needed to keep a low profile for the rest of the day. Tomorrow in soccer tryouts, she’d show them how good she was and earn their respect that way.

Thankfully, the guys left her alone to unpack and mostly ignored her. They stayed in the room playing video games, which Clarke didn’t mind. This gave her a good chance to observe them and get a feel for them, to learn what she could about them.

It didn’t take her long to unpack as she didn’t bring much since she wouldn’t be here for long anyway. When she finished, she grabbed her sketchpad, her pencil, and her phone and settled onto her bed. The boys didn’t really acknowledge her existence, which was fine with her.

Grabbing her phone, she pulled up her text messages. Finding the group chat between her, Jasper, Monty, Monroe, and Fox, she typed in a quick message: Met my roommate. Cover isn’t blown yet.

Immediately, Monroe replied: Never a doubt in my mind you could do this.

Jasper’s reply came shortly after: I had some doubt.

Making friends? Monty asked.

I don’t think I made a great first impression. Roommate is playing video games with friends and ignoring me. Clarke replied.

Please tell me you aren’t moping on your bed and sketching Monroe typed.

Clarke frowned, not knowing what could be wrong with sketching. So?

You need to be social! Fox told her.

I don’t want to shove myself at them on the first night! Clarke defended herself. And she didn’t. If she asked to play video games, they’d probably let her, but they clearly didn’t want to.

Sketching isn’t manly! Jasper informed her.

What should I do instead? Pretend to shave my nonexistent beard? Sketching wasn’t manly? Since when? She glanced up at the guys, whose backs were to her. She didn’t think they really cared what she was doing so long as she didn’t bother them.

Is there a TV? Turn on soccer, Monty suggested. Manly men watch sports.

And yell at the TV about stupid calls even though the refs can’t hear them, Fox agreed.

If they’re passionate, they even break things, Monroe said.

Clarke chuckled to herself. She wouldn’t mind watching a soccer game, though she for sure would not be yelling at the TV or breaking anything. She didn’t need her roommate and his friends thinking she had anger problems.

I’ll just watch the game quietly, I think, Clarke texted back before she shoved her sketchpad in her bedside table drawer. Reaching for her laptop, she found a game she could stream online, turned the volume down to low and settled in.

After Murphy and Miller left, Bellamy asked what game she was watching, and they chatted for a few minutes about it, but then Bellamy went to bed, leaving Clarke alone with her thoughts. She turned the game off, not wanting to keep Bellamy awake. Putting her laptop back on her desk, she grabbed her toiletries and pajamas and hurried to the bathroom, hoping to change in a stall.

Thankfully, there was one open, and she was able to change in peace. She hurried to brush her teeth and get back to her room before anyone else came in. She had met her quota for socializing for the day and just wanted to go to sleep.

She was in luck. Only a couple other boys came into the bathroom and all left her alone. It was a bit of a shock when she was brushing her teeth to see a boy walk in. She wanted to tell them to get out of the girls’ room, but then realized where she was. How long before all of this became her new normal?

There were a lot of things Clarke was expecting when she stepped onto the field. It was supposed to be the first day of practice, and as the captain of the girl’s team, Clarke was expecting to help the new girls on the team find their groove and make them feel like part of the team. She expected being underestimated as she had a smaller, stockier frame than some of the other girls. She expected being given a hard time because her long time boyfriend, Roan, was the captain of the boy’s team, their goalie.

Clarke Griffin had been voted captain for two very important reasons. One she was a good soccer player. Two, she was a solutions kind of girl. She thought of all the possible scenarios that could happen and thought of ways they could all be resolved. It had worked out for her this long. Her teammates trusted her to make the hard decisions.

Of all the issues Clarke had thought of, the one she didn’t think of was her soccer team being cut. There had been a notice on the locker room door, but she thought it had been a stupid prank done by the boy’s team. She’d ripped it down, threw it in the trash, and changed into her practice attire without a second thought.

Now, Clarke stood looking out at the field as the boys were now practicing and taking up the whole field rather than the half they were usually designated to. Looking around, she found the boys’ head coach watching the girls from across the field, a smirk on his lips.

Turning briefly back to her teammates, she said, “I’ll be right back.” Then she hurried across the field, not even bothering to go around the boys as they practiced. She just trooped right through them, two of her teammates, Fox and Monroe, close behind her for support.

“Ladies, you’re disturbing my practice,” Coach Shumway told them, not even bothering to look at them as he surveyed his own team.

“What’s this I hear about the girls team being cut?” Clarke asked angrily.

Coach Shumway shrugged his shoulders nonchalantly. “From what I hear, the school board is making cuts to programs around the school. They make more money off of fans coming to watch the boys team than they do the girls team. I also heard not enough girls signed up. That might be problem number one.”

Shumway was a sexist pig, Clarke decided, and she knew it would do no good to keep talking to him about that. He took pleasure in the fact that they couldn’t practice anymore. Clarke had gotten the feeling that he had always felt threatened by how good the girl’s team actually was.

“We’ll scrimmage for it,” Clarke offered. “If the girl’s win, you have to include the girls on your team.”

The laughing fit Shumway had shouldn’t have surprised her, but it did. She hadn’t expected him to act so childishly. If he was so confident in his boys’ abilities, this should be a no brainer. Instead of answering her, Shumway yelled out for Roan.

Clarke wanted to smirk. He was calling for her boyfriend. Roan was always telling her how good she was and how most of the girls were better than a lot of the boys on his team. He’d been working with her all summer to get her ready for the school year. He’d back her up on this.It was Clarke’s turn to smirk at Shumway.

Roan hurried up their little huddle, a couple of his friends trailing behind him, curious as to what the girls would want. “What’s up, Coach?” he asked as he joined them.

“Clarke here wants to know if she and the girls can be on our team,” Shumway informed him with a knowing smile that Clarke wanted to slap off of his face.

Roan glanced at her with a confused look on his face and asked, “Wait, babe, are you serious?”

“The girl’s team was cut,” Clarke explained. When Roan didn’t say anything, she frowned as she continued, “You’ve said yourself some of the girls are better than half the guys on your team!”

“Excuse me?” exclaimed one of Roan’s friends behind him, looking genuinely hurt by this remark. Was it really so hard for them to see what was written on the wall?

“Roan, what’s she talking about?” the other friend asked.

Roan rushed forward and started trying to shuffle Clarke, Fox, and Monroe away from prying ears. “Clarke, you can’t be serious. You can’t play for us. Let it go.” The fact that he said it so casually, as if soccer was as important to her as it was to him, made her blood boil. How dare he act like this wasn’t a big deal, as if her team’s futures weren’t on the line.

Yanking herself out of Roan’s grasp, she narrowed his eyes at him, “You’re so two-faced.” Turning to Shumway, she yelled, “How are the college scouts supposed to recruit us if we’re not playing?”

“You should have thought of that before now,” was all he replied.

“We’re not asking for any special treatment. Just give us a chance,” Clarke pleaded, walking back towards the coach, looking between Roan and Shumway.

“Girls will play for us when pigs fly,” Shumway told her.

Roan cringed. He clearly didn’t necessarily agree with his coach, but he also wasn’t budging on the topic, either. Clarke had never been more disappointed in him. “You can’t be on the team. End of conversation, babe,” he told her.

Shaking her head, Clarke took a step forward to spit out, “End of relationship.” With that, she turned on her heels and stormed off the field, ignoring the taunts from the guys behind her.

“Come on!” Roan called after her, hurrying towards her, “Don’t be like this. You have to understand!”

Clarke wanted to hit him upside the head, “What I understand is you’re throwing away a two year relationship because you’re a sexist dick.”It hurt knowing she didn’t see this about him until now. How could she have been so blind?

Shumway blew his whistle, calling the teams to get back to practice. Clarke gestured towards the field and walked back up towards the school without looking back. She wouldn’t give Roan that satisfaction.

She found her team sitting in the locker room, and she did not enjoy breaking the news to them. They’d worked just as hard as the guys. It wasn’t fair their team had been cut. This was their senior year, and most of them had been hoping for soccer scholarships. Now they had nothing.

They were out of luck. No other options other than to go home. So after packing up their lockers, they did. School didn’t start for another two weeks, and Polis had their opening soccer match with Arkadia Academy, one of the best schools in the state to start off the school year. It was usually Clarke’s favorite match of the year.

With two weeks of time on her hands, Clarke wasn’t sure what she was going to do. No boyfriend and no soccer to keep her busy would be an adjustment. She’d been playing soccer since she could walk, and her and Roan had been together for a couple of years. It would be a weird adjustment.

“Want to come over to my place, and we can all mope around together?” Monroe asked as they left the school and started down the street.

“I’m down,” Fox agreed.

Shaking her head, Clarke replied, “Can’t.My cousin’s in town, and I need to hang out with him.” He was smart and funny; he’d be able to make Clarke laugh and momentarily forget about her woes.

“Which cousin?” Fox asked.

“Finn,” Clarke supplied as she shifted her bag from one shoulder to the other.

“You mean the cousin you look scarily alike?” Monroe asked.

Clarke frowned, “I don’t know why you guys always say that. Finn and I don’t look that alike. I don’t see it.”

“Please, you two could be twins if he was blonde and had a mole on his face like yours,” Fox teased, bumping her with her hip.

“Are you saying my boobs and awesome butt don’t give me away?” Clarke joked, bumping Monroe in turn.

“Your breasts are one of the only things that gives you away,” Monroe answered with a smirk. “But Finn has a nice butt, too, so that’s not really in your favor.”

“Gee, thanks,” Clarke grumbled.

“Tell him and your mom we said hi,” Fox said as they got to the next intersection and went their separate ways.

Clarke and Finn had grown up as distant cousins at best. His mom and Clarke’s dad were siblings. They hadn’t been close growing up, and only reconnected at her father’s funeral a couple years ago. Clarke’s father had married into money and Jake’s sister married a guy from the wrong side of the tracks. The two families just hadn’t meshed well.

Clarke and Finn had grown closer after the funeral, becoming friends. Finn was actually staying with Clarke and her family over the week. He was going to be leaving back to Arkadia in a couple of weeks just in time for the start of his new school, and Clarke wanted to make sure the two of them had time to spend together before he left.

The house phone was ringing as Clarke entered the house, which was odd. No one ever called the landline. That’s what cellphones were for. She wasn’t even sure why they had a landline still set up, but her Mom insisted. Probably for instances such as this.

“I’ll get it!” She called as she hurried into the office and grabbed the phone expecting the call to be about something important. “Hello?”

“Finn?” asked the voice on the phone. The voice belonged to a woman and was vaguely familiar, though Clarke couldn’t place it at the moment.

“Uh, no, This is Clarke, who is this?” she replied.

“Oh, right. Clarke. I’m Finn’s girlfriend, and I’ve been trying to reach him all day,” the girl answered. Clarke vaguely remembered Finn mentioning a girlfriend named Echo.

“I’m not sure where he is at the moment. Have you tried his cellphone?” Clarke asked.

“Obviously! Otherwise I wouldn’t be trying this number,” Echo said in the bitchiest tone Clarke had ever heard.

“Well, you might want to try leaving him a voicemail. He’ll get back to you when he can.”

“You know, your cousin is lucky to have me in his life, and if he wants to stay in it, he better call me.”

“I’ll be sure to pass on the message if I see him,” Clarke assured Echo in a mock tone.

Echo didn’t even give Clarke a chance to say goodbye because she hung up, the dial tone annoying Clarke’s ears. She made a mental note to talk to her mom about having it disconnected. She knew her dad used it a lot for business when he was still alive. Now, however, no one used it.

Annoyed with her day so far, she trudged up the stairs to the second level. Hearing a noise in Finn’s room, she  knocked on the door once before opening the door, and she found he was stuffing clothes wildly into his duffel bag. His room was in a bit of disarray at the moment.

“What are you doing?” Clarke asked curiously as she plopped herself down on a part of the bed that wasn’t covered in music books or clothes.

Finn glanced up and smiled at her, “I just got the best phone call,” he told her. He didn’t elaborate as he got distracted flipping through a folder filled with his music sheets.

“Well?” Clarke prompted. “Are you going to tell me what it was about?”

“There’s a music festival in London. One of the bands dropped out, and they asked if we wanted the spot. But I have to leave now,” he answered, barely looking up at her.

“That’s fantastic!” Clarke exclaimed. After what Finn said sunk in, she had to shake her head. “Wait, London, England?”

“One and the same!” Finn nodded his head excitedly.

“Is Arkadia Academy going to defer your enrollment?” Clarke asked, ever the pragmatist.

Finn Collins had just transferred to the elite academy in Arkadia. It was well known for their soccer team, and it was usually always ranked first in the state. She always thought the school was a bit too preppy for her tastes. Besides, her current school in Polis had the better academic record and her mother would never transfer her just so she could play soccer.

Abby Griffin was very much against soccer. Clarke was a debutant, and Abby wanted Clarke to be a beautiful, charismatic, and graceful addition to society. Soccer did not fit into those plans. Her mother would probably throw a party when she found out the soccer team had been cut. If Clarke thought her mom was in her face now about the different debutant events and balls before, it’d only get worse now that Clarke had more time on her hands.

Clarke wanted to bang her head against the wall just thinking of it. Balls and charity events weren’t how she wanted to spend her high school years. But her mother didn’t quite understand that, yet. Abby had good intentions, Clarke knew, but they just weren’t on the same page.

“I was kind of hoping you could help me with that,” Finn said, cutting into Clarke’s thoughts. “Couldn’t you call in, pretend to be my mom, and just tell them I’m sick? My mom would never let me go to London if it’ll cause me to miss school.”

“You know you were kicked out of your last school for skipping. Do you really think it’s a good idea for you to start the new school year skipping?”

“Sometimes you have to break the rules to follow your dreams,” Finn replied.

“Do you know the percentage of music artists that actually make it in the music industry?” Clarke asked frankly. Once Finn got something into his head, he wouldn’t change his mind. But that didn’t stop Clarke from trying.

“Probably the same as female soccer players or artists,” Finn retorted

Clarke frowned, “Your mom will kill us both if she finds out.”

“Then she better not find out,” Finn said. When he saw Clarke was still dubious, he continued, “My mom will think I went straight to school from here. As long as I make sure to call her a couple times, I don’t think we have anything to worry about there.”

“I guess,” Clarke relented. “I wish you could take me with you. I could use a vacation.”

“School hasn’t even started yet, and you want out already?” Finn asked,

“They cut the soccer team,” Clarke explained, shrugging her shoulders.

“Ah,” Finn nodded in understanding. “Guess you better get used to wearing frilly dresses. I saw your mom come home with a couple new dresses today.”

Groaning, Clarke buried her face into Finn’s pillow. Would the day’s madness ever be over? Finn chuckled at her, but finished packing.

“Oh, before I forget, that was Echo that just called,” Clarke told him.

“Someone actually uses that landline?” Finn asked in surprise.

“Did you give her that number?” Clarke wondered aloud.

Finn shrugged, “I might have when we first started dating so she could get ahold of me during emergencies. That was years ago, though.”

“Well, she wants you to call her back,” Clarke said. When Finn groaned, Clarke continued, “Why do you even date her?”

“She’s hot!” Finn said as if that explained everything.

“Ugh!” Clarke threw her hands up in the air in frustration. “Why are men such idiots!”

Finn laughed before zipping up his bag. “I gotta get going. My flight is in a couple of hours, and you know how bad traffic can be.”

Clarke nodded and stood up, pulling Finn in for a hug, “Good luck. You guys are going to do great!”

“Sure hope so!” he agreed. Slinging his bag over his shoulder, he pat Clarke on the shoulder before leaving.

Clarke went to the window and watched him hail a cab. She watched as he placed his bag the trunk before slipping into the backseat. He glanced back up at the house and smiled, giving a small wave. Clarke wasn’t sure if he could see her or not, but she gave a half of a wave back.

Sad that her cousin had to leave prematurely, she made her way towards her room. Her mom caught her before she could open the door, “Was that Finn I heard leaving?” she asked. “I thought he was staying until Sunday?”

“I guess he wanted to spend some time with his mom before going to school,” Clarke replied, trying to move around her mother, but her mother just stepped into her way.

“You’ll never guess what I bought today!” Abby told her happily. It hurt that Abby wanted Clarke to like the bells and whistles of being an elite, high class lady, but Clarke wanted the complete opposite. She had no interest in becoming another stepford wife for someone.

“If it’s another dress, I’m not interested,” Clarke informed her matter-of-factly, crossing her arms across her chest.

“Won’t you at least just look at them? You might change your mind!” the hopefulness in her voice made Clarke cringe.

“I’m not in the mood to have this conversation, Mom. Can we do it another time?” Clarke rubbed at her temples, the start of headache coming on.

“What’s wrong, sweetie?” Abby’s face fell to genuine concern.

“The school cut the girl’s soccer team,” Clarke answered after a moment of silence while she warred with herself if she should actually tell her mother. Her mother would feel bad for her but would ultimately be happy about the decision. Now Clarke could focus on being a debutant.

“That’s awful!” Abby exclaimed. “Did they say why?”

“Not enough girls signed up, and apparently the school makes more money off the boys team than the girls,” Clarke answered as she shoved her way past her mother and opened the door to her room, throwing her bag down next to her bed.

Her mother followed her, though she stayed near the doorway. If there was one thing Clarke was grateful for about her mother, it was that she always respected Clarke’s privacy. “Do you want me to make a phone call? The school board might listen to me.”

“No, but thank you, mom. I don’t want to create any tension with the school. I’ll just have to figure something else out,” Clarke replied.

“Now that you don’t have soccer, you can focus on the ball that’s coming up! You in a beautiful dress, Roan on your arm! It’ll be great!” Abby assured her.

“Well, hate to rain on your parade twice in one day, but I broke up with Roan,” Clarke informed her as she fell onto her bed, staring up at the ceiling.

“But why?” Abby asked, concern lacing her voice.

“I don’t feel like talking about it, okay, mom?”

“But he’s so handsome and muscular and built,” Abby listed off all his physical attributes just like that made up who he was. She was being just as bad as the men she had to deal with today.

“Then you date him, Mom,” Clarke retorted angrily.

“Will you try on the dresses at least?” Abby asked, flipping gears back to the original conversation.

“Sorry mom. I’m not in the mood.”

“You know, you might as well be Finn.” With that, her mother turned on her heels and stormed out of the room.

Clarke closed her eyes, trying not to think about how bleak her future looked at the moment. There had to be a way to fix this. Other after school programs she could take to keep her away from her mother and all the dresses she’d try to throw at Clarke.

Her cell phone went off, startling Clarke. Reaching for it, she found she had a text message from Monty inviting her over to his place for movies and pizza, which sounded much better than crying in the shower. So she changed out of her soccer attire and into jeans and Tshirt, hurring over to their place.

She managed to elude her mother, which was a miracle in and of itself. She had expected an interrogation before she left Her mother was probably still hurt about Clarke’s lack of interest. A feeling of guilt washed over Clarke, but she just buried the feeling down deep beside all the other feelings she’d been suppressing.

Several hours later, Clarke was laying on the coach with her head propped up in Monty’s lap. Their other friend Jasper was sitting on the floor playing cards with Monroe and Fox. The girls had just gotten done venting about their day, and the guys were trying to comfort them.

“You don’t think your mom would let you guys transfer to Arkadia?” Monty asked them.

Monroe and Fox shook their heads. Fox answered, “Arkadia is way too expensive for my parents to afford to send me.”

“Mine would never be able to afford the tuition either,” Monroe sighed.

“You mom could easily afford to send you, Clarke,” Jasper said. “Why don’t you transfer?”

“My mom won’t transfer me because Polis has the better academics and high society debutante events. Polis is the better school to groom me to be a lady,” Clarke answered. “If I went to Arkadia, I’d be living on campus away from her. She’d never let me go.”

They all nodded their heads in agreement. It was a shitty position to be in.

“But I’ve been toying around with an idea that I want to run by you,” Clarke told them, sitting up on the couch and turning to face them all.

The all turned in their seats, setting down the cards to give Clarke their undivided attention.

“Ok, this is going to be crazy, but just hear me out,” Clarke said, pausing for a moment before continuing. “My mom and I were sort of arguing about the dresses and my lack of interest, and she said something that gave me an idea. She said I might as well be Finn.”

The four of them were all frowning. Finally Jasper asked, “I don’t get it?”

“What if I got to Arkadia as Finn?” Clarke exclaimed excitedly.

“You want to be your cousin?” Monty asked dubiously. “I’m confused. What’s your plan?”

“I’m going to go to Arkadia Academy as Finn, make the boy’s soccer team, and beat Polis’ boys team in two weeks.”

“Have you taken some crazy pills today?” Monty asked.

“More like she’s been hit too many times in the head with soccer balls,” Jasper clarified.

“You guys know I’d be able to do it,” Clarke insisted.

“Right,” Monty agreed in a tone of voice that said he definitely didn’t agree “Except for your boobs- no offense, the mannerisms, the voice, the mentality-”

“No one there would even know the difference,” Monroe cut in, a smile playing at her lips as she started coming around to the idea. “No one’s met Finn, yet. It’d be perfect.”

“They’d no he’s a she!”

“Come on, guys! If I get caught, that’ll be on me. But wouldn’t it be great if we could beat the system?” Clarke asked.

“It’d be so satisfying,” Fox agreed.

Monty and Jasper were quiet before glancing at each other. “Fine,” they agreed begrudgingly.

“But it’s going to take some time. We’ve got to make sure everything’s set up properly, alter some photos,” Monty said.

Jasper continued, “You have to finder some binders, some clothes, false hair, a wig. You’ve got very feminine features that will be hard to mask.”

“I can do it,” Clarke assured them. “Thankfully, Finn also has some feminine features that could work to my advantage.”

Monroe and Fox agreed. “Tomorrow, we’ll go shopping and get all the things we need. Tomorrow night, we can set up the photo session?” Monroe asked, planning ahead.

“That should work. Once we get the photos, I’ll hack into their system and do the switch. Then you’re on your own,” Monty explained.

It was remarkably easy to find all the supplies they needed, a little pricey, but Clarke could afford it. Monty and Jasper had been able to hold up their end of the deal, and now Clarke was packing up her bag and trying to come up with a plausible excuse to tell her mother on why she’d be gone for the next two weeks.

As she hurried down the stairs out to the waiting cab, she prayed her mother would be busy or not hear her leave. It’d be easier to lie over the phone than in person.However, her luck did not hold out, and her mother happened to be in the office when Clarke came downstairs.

“Clarke?” Abby called, getting up and hurrying into the hallway. “Where are you going?”

“I decided to go stay with Finn until school started. His visit was cut short, and I’d like to spend more time with him,” Clarke replied, turning back around to face her mother.

“Clarke, we’ve hardly spent any time together this summer. I don’t think it’s wise of you to leave. You can spend next weekend with Finn, but I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to go for two weeks,” Abby insisted and went to grab Clarke’s things.

“Mom, I’ve been thinking about what you said. I know you want me to be a debutante. And Finn’s girlfriend Echo will be there. I thought she could show me the ropes for the whole debutante thing,” Clarke said, lying through her teeth.

“This is so exciting! You’re going to have so much fun! There’s so much to do! There’s the ball, the luncheon, and the carnival next week, which Finn promised he’d go to. So make sure to remind him about it,” Abby told her, going through all of the things Clarke would need to go to.

“I will,” Clarke nodded her head, pulling her bag out of her mother’s hands.

“Oh!” Abby smiled as she cupped Clarke’s face between her hands. “You’re going to be a lady!”

Clarke managed to smile and force out a laugh, “Yup! Sure am!”

Abby pulled Clarke in for a hug, “I’ll miss you, sweetie.”

“I’ll miss you, too.” Then Clarke pulled away and hurried out the front door before her mother changed her mind.

She sighed in relief after giving the Lyft driver directions to Monty’s place. She’d get ready at his place before Monty dropped her off at her new school. She couldn’t wait to prove to everyone just how much of a force Clarke Griffin was. Polis would regret the day they didn’t take on the girl’s team. This wasn’t just for Clarke. This whole endeavor was to prove girls could keep up with the guys.

It had been a hectic week. She’d been floating to different floors of the hospital all week, depending on where she was needed most. The last couple of nights, she’d been helping in the ER. It had been hard to get in a groove, but she persisted because it was her job and the hospital was understaffed and really needed her help. The ER was flooded with patients all week long it seemed, and that night, she’d lost one of her patients.

She thought that after working in a hospital for several years, it’d get easier to detach herself from her patients, so she didn’t feel their loss so acutely. But she wasn’t there, yet. Informing the family was the worst, and she tried to push past the lump in her throat as she was met with hysterics and yelling. Her shift couldn’t get done quickly enough.

Her mentors had told her she would learn how to detach herself from the moment and the feelings more out of necessity than want. There were some instances where you do everything you can possibly do, but it doesn’t help. And you can’t keep feeling that pain every time before it does something to you, so you learn to push those emotions and that hurt down deep inside of you somewhere.

However, Clarke doesn’t want to ever do that. She knows she’ll need to make hard decisions, but she doesn’t want to have to be so detached from her patients she can’t understand their grief. It’s important to keep herself grounded. At least, that’s what her mother told her. Her mother was a doctor and had been practicing for many many years and told Clarke losing patients still ate her up inside. It was nice to know that her mother felt the same way she did.

When she was finally cut free, she emerged from the hospital with the darkest of circles under her bloodshot eyes. Just moving her limbs felt like an Olympic feat as they all seemed to weigh a hundred more pounds than usual. Everything ached: her feet, her back, her shoulders, her neck. She needed a vacation. Stat.

Ha. Stat. She felt punny.

Giggling to herself at her lame joke, she debated if she should really be driving home in her state. She could barely keep her eyes open and walk in a straight line. However, she really didn’t want to have to worry about retrieving her car the next day. So, she slapped her face a little to wake herself up and hopped in her car. Blaring the music and rolling down her windows for the cool air, she started driving.

She let her mind wander as she drove, thinking back to the little girl she had lost. What could she have done differently to save her? Running through all the scenarios, she discovered she did everything that she could correctly. And she still lost the little girl. What was even the point then? How can you still lose someone when you do what you’re supposed to? The thought isn’t comforting.

She’s in front of the apartment complex sooner than expected, and she practically falls out of her car. Grabbing her bag and keys, she made sure to remember to lock her car before heading to her apartment. She squinted her eyes against the morning sun, which was barely creeping over the horizon, as she hurried across the parking lot.

Sleep. She just needed sleep.

As she got closer to the entrance, she saw someone leaving, and they held the door for her. Thanking them, she hurried inside. She briefly wondered what her neighbor must have thought seeing her in the zombie-like state she was in. However, she didn’t give it much thought as her apartment neared.

It took her two attempts to get into the apartment as she had tried the wrong key on the first two attempts. Throwing her bag on the floor in the living room, she let her muscle memory take her into the bedroom as the apartment was blessedly still dark. She had the presence of mind to take off her shoes, pants, and bra, but left everything else on as she crawled into bed and fell asleep almost instantly.

It wasn’t until she woke up a couple hours later that she realized she’d made a mistake, and it was a pretty big mistake at that. She was still bone weary exhausted, but she’d been woken up when someone had shifted in bed. Startled, she opened her eyes, the sunlight streaming through the window burned her eyes, and she quickly shut them. She could feel someone in bed with her, and her heart began beating furiously in her chest.

Peaking open one eye, she found herself staring at Bellamy Blake’s naked chest. She shouldn’t have nuzzled into him, but he was warm and comfy and exactly what sleep deprived Clarke needed. When she closed her eyes again, she was off to dreamland in a second, but not before she felt Bellamy’s arms tighten around her.

It wasn’t until late in the afternoon that she finally woke up feeling rested. Grabbing for her phone, she realized she wasn’t where she should be. Opening her eyes, Clarke found herself in her ex boyfriend’s apartment- alone in his bed. Groaning, she rolled onto her back and stared up at the ceiling contemplating her next moves.

Bellamy could be out of the apartment, which would be ideal, so she could sneak out and never have to discuss her little slip up ever again. But if he was there, they’d have to talk about what she’d done. Listening, she tried to decipher if he was in the apartment or not. Unfortunately, Clarke couldn’t hear anything, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t there. She knew Bellamy liked to read, so he could be curled up on the couch with a good book. Or the TV could be on low enough that she couldn’t hear it.

Clarke and Bellamy had broken up amicably a couple months ago after about a year into their relationship. They had met at his sister’s -her friend’s- college graduation. Clarke had gone home with him that night, and they’d become inseparable after that. They started dating a week later. It had been fun and interesting in the beginning. Neither knew very much about the other besides what Octavia had told them.

Much of the first few months was them exploring each other both physically and mentally. Everything was new and exciting. They seemed to have so much in common, and they were able to seamlessly incorporate their friend groups together so well it was like they’d all known each other for forever anyway.

Clarke knew of Bellamy through Octavia during college, but they always seemed to miss each other when he came to visit her. Back then, Clarke was dating a girl, Lexa, who she spent most all her free time with. So much so that she had started to neglect her friends. It had taken an intervention from Octavia and Raven for her to see what she was doing. She and Lexa didn’t last longer than their graduation anyway as Lexa moved away and neither was willing to do a long-distance relationship, which is how she wound up being available and single in time to meet Bellamy a year later.

Bellamy had been great: attentive, passionate, caring, understanding- everything a person wanted in a significant other. Clarke felt like she’d been a good girlfriend- not perfect by any means, but she felt she gave as good as she got. In the beginning, they seemed to fit together like two perfect puzzle pieces. Whatever was one’s weakness, it was the other’s strength. It worked.

Towards the end, however, it had gotten harder, as is expected in any relationship. They’d started fighting and bickering more and breaking up seemed inevitable. So, they did. Because they had the same friends, they did still see each other from time to time. But it wasn’t like it was before. And it definitely didn’t mean she could do what she’d just done.

To be fair, the year they’d been together, Clarke and Bellamy had gotten into a routine. They never lived together officially, but they might as well have. After long and hard shifts at the hospital, Clarke would drive to Bellamy’s and they’d cuddle in bed before falling asleep. Bellamy’d go over to Clarke’s for dinner and binge watch whatever TV show they’d gotten into. They had a system.

So, it was only understandable that it had been hard to adjust after the breakup. Clarke couldn’t go to Bellamy after a hard day, no matter how much she wanted to. A part of her always expected to see Bellamy come through her apartment door, groceries in hand for them to start supper. But he didn’t.

Clearly her sleep addled brain still remembered the routine- otherwise she never would have wound up in his bed.

The couple of months since their breakup had given Clarke a new perspective. She realized how much she relied on Bellamy, how much she missed him. He was who she thought of when something happened, good or bad. And a part of her felt empty, like something was missing now that she couldn’t share her thoughts and feelings with him. She was beginning to realize how big of a mistake breaking up had been.

Having no idea how Bellamy felt anymore, Clarke was reluctant to talk to him about it. But it was her own fault. If she really wanted to get back together, she should have a mature, adult conversation with him. She knew that. Of course, she did. But that didn’t mean that stopped the anxious knot in her stomach from making her feel sick whenever she thought about it and let the doubts and what ifs creep into her heart.

Sighing heavily, she pushed back the covers and got up. There was no sense in pushing off the inevitable. She needed to go face this issue. She found her stuff stacked neatly at the foot of the bed. Hurriedly, she dressed wondering what Bellamy must be thinking of the whole ordeal. Clearly, she had some unresolved issues.

Shouldering her bag, she tentatively opened the bedroom door and stuck her head out into the living room. She found Bellamy sitting on the couch grading papers with headphones in. She let herself take him in unabashedly. He was still just as handsome with those freckles that dotted his cheeks and nose. His hair was still the length she loved most- it was so easy to run her fingers through it, tugging when she needed to. He looked as he always did, like he did in her dreams.

She must have made a noise because Bellamy glanced up, their eyes meeting. Clarke couldn’t help the blush that crept up her neck to the tips of her ears from embarrassment of what she’d done and getting caught staring at him. She ducked her head and fully left the bedroom, stepping into the afternoon light of his living room.

As Clarke fumbled for words to explain herself, Bellamy asked, “Feeling better?” The question was genuine. He wasn’t judging her for what had happened, and Clarke was astonished at his kindness.

“Much,” she nodded her head as she walked closer to Bellamy. “Look, Bellamy, I’m really sorry. I have no idea what happened. It was a long shift at work, and I was super sleep deprived. Not that that’s any excuse for what happened. I can’t believe I did this. You must feel so violated!” Word vomit- she couldn’t stop herself from babbling. She was sure she looked like a sad, pitiful dog standing awkwardly in front of him.

She would have kept going, too, but Bellamy stopped her, “Clarke, it’s okay. I know you didn’t mean anything by it. It was an honest mistake.” He shrugged, seemingly unfazed by what had happened, making Clarke internally wince.

What he said stops her short. While it had been an honest mistake, it wasn’t that it didn’t mean anything. Because Bellamy still meant something to her- it’s why she did it in the first place. “That’s not entirely true,” she finally said. At Bellamy’s inquisitive face, she continued, “You still mean something to me, Bellamy. I miss you. More than I ever thought I would. And that’s why my subconscious brought me here. It was an honest mistake. I didn’t mean to come here, and if I could do it over again, I wouldn’t have come over the way I had.”

Bellamy set the papers down on the coffee table and sat up straighter. “But you would have at some point?”

Clarke shrugged, “I’d like to think so. But I was scared to.”

“Why would you ever be scared to come talk to me?” Bellamy asked incredulous. He seemed hurt by her revelation.

“Only because I wasn’t sure how you felt. I know we broke up amicably. It was what we both wanted at the time. But I had no idea if anything had changed for you. But it had for me. I’ve been miserable without you,” Clarke confessed. She felt like she should feel embarrassed admitting what she had. But she didn’t. It felt right.

Standing up, Bellamy took three steps before he was finally in front of her, “Clarke, I’ve missed the hell out of you.” And he leaned in to kiss her gently on the lips.

Relief washed over her. If she was still dreaming, this was a cruel joke her brain was pulling on her. Wanting to feel more of Bellamy, she dropped her bag oh so gracefully onto her foot, causing her to yelp. Breaking apart from Bellamy, she grimaced in pain. Definitely real life then. Only in reality would Clarke be so clumsy.

“Sorry,” she said sheepishly.

Bellamy laughed, deep and clear. It’s the most beautiful sound Clarke has heard in two months. Bellamy pulled Clarke into him, wrapping his arms tightly around her middle in the most intimate of hugs. “God, I’ve missed this.” Clarke wrapped her arms around Bellamy, never wanting to let go.

“Oh my god!” Octavia practically shouts over the table. “Are you and my brother back together?” The look on her face is of relief and happiness, so Clarke doesn’t worry about telling them the truth.

She nods her head sheepishly.

“I think your story trumps anything we just told you,” Raven says completely baffled. It’s not every day Clarke tells her something she didn’t see coming.

“I did not think that story was going to have a happy ending,” Harper admits. “I thought it was going to be something far more embarrassing or that you snuck out without him seeing you or something.”

“I can’t believe he didn’t tell me about it!” Octavia seems genuinely upset he didn’t say anything.

Clarke rushes to assure her, “I told him I wanted to break the news to you guys. It was my doing after all, so he let me have my way. I wanted my girls to be the first to know.”

“We appreciate that,” Raven tells her.

“I figured you would,” Clarke smiles, unable to hide the smugness she feels. Her friends feign annoyance, shaking their heads at her. But they’ve been hoping Clarke and Bellamy could work out their differences almost more than the couple themselves. It’s weird, but they mean well. It’s never fun being friends with both people in the relationship and having to deal with the falling out.

“So, does that mean we can all start hanging out again?” Harper asks excitedly.

“I didn’t realize our breaking up hindered us all from hanging out,” Clarke says honestly.

“It’s always a little awkward when the whole gang hangs out,” Harper shrugs. “Now we won’t have to worry about all that.” She takes a sip of her drink absently.

“Seriously, I’m glad you worked out your issues. It was stupid you guys didn’t just stay together,” Raven tells her. If there’s one thing Clarke appreciates about Raven, it’s her brazen honesty. She did not sugar coat things for anyone.

“We thought so, too. It’s why we got back together,” Clarke agrees with her. “Now can we talk about someone else’s love life and take the spotlight off of me now, please?”

“Harper, we want to hear more about you and Monroe,” Raven says and they all turn in their seat to give Harper their undivided attention.