fernando

And the comic isn’t about being oppressed in any way. Sunburns aren’t oppressive and the comic doesn’t portray them that way. Does your mind just calculate in oppression now? Is that its only function?

You see this. You see this and you probably think “wow that’s a beat up team, he probably just got through a really difficult fight, maybe a gym leader or something” or something to that effect.

But that’s not what happened.

This was not the result of some epic Pokemon battle for the history books.

This was the result of A SINGLE FUCKING LEVEL 35 CLEFAIRY.

Let me tell you all a story.

The fight began like any other. I was making my way up Celestial Tower when I encountered a trainer, a Pokefan no less. When he sent out his only Pokemon, a level 35 Clefairy, I laughed at the thought of easily crushing this trainer. Sending out my Krokorok, Gordan, I started the battle.

I first used Crunch. Taking out a good 2/3 of the Clefairy’s health, I thought for sure that the fight would soon be over.

I was wrong.

Crunch seemed like a good move at first, but it set off a chain of events that could not be stopped.

Due to the Clefairy’s Cute Charm, Gordan fell in love with it. Not only this, but the Clefairy’s first move was none other than Minimize. On the next term, despite these circumstance, I figured I’d just try to get a quick Crunch in and finish the job done.

Gordan, however, was paralyzed by love. The Clefairy proceeded to use Metronome, which ended up being Ingrain. The Clefairy then began to restore some of its health thanks to this.

Not wanting to take any more chances, I switched to my trusty Arcanine, Admiral. Admiral had never failed me before, always being there in the nick of time to save the day in a blaze of glory.

On the turn used to switch Pokemon, the Clefairy had used Minimize once again.

Attempting to finish the enemy off quickly, I had Admiral use Flamethrower. This, however, missed. The Clefairy used Minimize.

And this continued. Admiral just could not seem to hit the enemy, and each time the enemy kept getting harder to hit, while all the time also slowly regaining what damage I had managed to do.

After capping out evasiveness, the Clefairy proceeded to begin using Cosmic Power to get its Defense/Special Defense. As Admiral struggled to defeat this enemy, the enemy just kept getting stronger and healthier.

Soon the Clefairy’s Defense/Special Defense were capped. It was then that it unleashed Stored Power, a move powered up through the user raising its stats. With the Clefairy having raised its defensive stats so much, this attack ended up one shotting Admiral.

It then proceeded to one shot Jacque the Axew, Baabaalaza the Ampharos, and Frank the Dewott, all trying in vain to do some damage.

Eventually, it was back to just Gordan left. Gordan, being a dark type, was not affected by Stored Power, a Psychic move.

Here was where the real fun began.

Not being able to actually hit Gordan, the Clefairy continued to attempt to use Stored Power until it ran out of PP. It then moved on to Metronome, which failed to do any real damage before this, too, ran out of PP.

As this was happening, Gordan was trying desperately to actually hurt the enemy. Using a Dire Hit and single X Accuracy/Attack that I had on me and spamming any attack he had, he struggled and struggled to hurt it. But between Gordan falling in love with it again due to Cute Charm when a Crunch somehow managing to land and it using Minimize so much, Gordan simply could not do enough damage to outweigh the effect of Ingrain.

And so came at least five minutes of just Gordan attempting to attack and being immobilized by love, missing, or doing too little damage, as the Clefairy continued to use Minimize and Cosmic Power that no longer actually had any effect.

Eventually, blessedly, the Clefairy ran out of moves, and begin to hurt itself with Struggle. Slowly but steadily the Clefairy begins to die, with the Struggle damage being more than Ingrain could heal.

After some time, the Clefairy was a single Struggle away from fainting. With much pleasure, I told Gordan to just use some random attack, and I waited for the Clefairy to faint.

THE MOTHERFUCKER USED A GOD DAMN HYPER POTION AND BROUGHT IT BACK TO FULL FUCKING HEALTH.

Gordan stared open mouthed at the enemy as I just silently stared at the scene for a full minute. The level of rage I was experiencing had never been felt since people in second grade used to make fun of me and call me a girl.

Then, however, I kind of just spent a bit more time just letting the Clefairy use Struggle again.

And finally, blessedly, the Clefairy ended up causing its own end due to Struggle. Seeing that tiny sliver of HP on it tick away and hearing its death cries made me happier than I’ve ever been since eighth grade when I punched this one really annoying guy in the face.

Gordan stood triumphantly over the corpse of its enemy, awash in his great victory as he proceeded to gain a level from the exp earned.

Together, we spat in the Clefairy owner’s face, and then slowly turned away and walked toward the Pokemon Center. We must have been TM87 (or 34 for you old schoolers) then, because we were SWAGGERING.

…