hey vanity

reblog for easter

forget april fools day its almost time for the best video on this entire fuckin planet

sunglasses. no sun. it’s cloudy: overcast. 

my job in the comune will be to fuck your mom

mine is to make love to yours. step your game up.

i just got promoted to giving your father earthshattering prostate orgasms

my father is a libertarian so nice try but he would never be “pro state”

i heard they’re adding a new creature to the nighttime

Owl 2

yeah it’s owl 2

we've been doing this thing called "hitting the nosferatu" where you hunch your shoulders and walk towards things while pointing with a long creepy finger

really afraid to post anything because what if the spanish doppelganger of me appears and starts speaking a little espanol tonight

tengo mucho miedo de mandar algo porque y si el doppelganger español de mi aparece y empieza a hablar un poco de español esta noche

you.

WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE

YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME

NOT YOU TOO

hey

YOU

NOT AGAIN

I'm whatever the opposite of locked in it. Locked out. Can't find my fucking keys. Calling the locksmith and my landlord. Absolutely not getting in any time soon.

I know it can never happen due to privacy issues but I wanna know who tf the other 17 people waiting for this Libby ebook are. I want to start a group chat.

shitass demon blade can't stop waxing poetic about the meaning of friendship and the intrinsic good everyone carries in their hearts. lock the fuck in man I need my enemies cleaved in twain

My boyfriend makes a delicious stew that has three different types of carbs in it and it's delicious and having a bowl makes me spend the next four hours trying to fight a nap. Potion of Shut The Fuck Up.

if you are a game designer and you force me to kill wolves AND you have them make sad puppy noises I'm killing you

see this never happens in spider solitaire for windows

*pulls out a gun* visit your fucking local library and get educated on the services they provide

hyperfixation please stay with me long enough to complete the project. hyperfixation do not fade. hyperfixation finish what you started for the love of god

very disappointing when someone says "the bird app" and for one lovely moment I think they are talking about Merlin Bird ID by Cornell Lab, the free app that allows you to identify birds by appearance or sound, make a list of birds you have seen, and explore all the birds native to your region.... and then I realize they are talking about twitter.

I think cats are right about the zoomies. I think every once in awhile you should run around the house as fast as you can and then sleep for several hours