Falinger

For me, yes, my play is centered around building sexual arousal/excitement, either as a method of foreplay, or as a way of facilitating stimulation or penetrative sex.

I think that over the last decade, a lot of the bdsm/kink community has moved to a, "bdsm doesn't have to be about sex" stance. And I agree, it doesn't. The problem is, it also seems that those saying it, are starting to use it as a shaming tactic for anyone that wants it to be, or chooses that.

I have and I do.

The partner that I usually refer to as My Puppet had never experienced any type of Rope (or kink/bdsm) prior to our relationship.

Rope experience isn't what I look for most when it comes to partners to tie with. The ability to communicate effectively is a far more important skill in my opinion then prior experience. Someone that can tell me if something isn't working for their body (because everybody's body is different, everyone responds to rope differently, and what works great for one person might be torture for another (and then if you add if that they might actually want it to be torturous, they want it to be soft and sensual, they want it to be challenging, or relaxing, or any of the dozen other things that it can be), add in the - what do that want to experience that particular day and time, and the variables can get quite large. Tops aren't mind-readers. And even if their communication is as simple as, "I'm open to whatever you want to do", in that moment, I'm not ever going to assume that just because it was a "Yes" last time, that means that it's a "Yes" this time.

I am very stringent about RACK (Risk Aware Consensual Kink). And if the person can't have a conversation with me, authentically and openly, I can't honestly know that they understand the risks of what we are going to be doing.

(And that very much works the other way around!!! I see a lot of Tops in community tying above their skill level. Whether they don't want to tell a bottom that they don't know how to do a specific thing, whether they want to try a thing they've never done before, but think they're ready to do it, etc. A very easy way for a bottom to tell if something is above their skill level, or if they've had training to do that thing, is to make them explain the risks, dangers, and their exit strategy if something goes wrong. Then ask them, "Can we do that next time?", and fact check them! If you can't find someone in your local community to fact check them with, reach out to me!).

Unfortunately, I think that there is a misconception that bottoms should or need to default to being submissive. I'll accept one of my partners submission, if that's what we've agreed on as part of our relationship dynamic. But with a bottom, that isn't what I look for in a partner. Someone that will be a partner is. And that definitely includes someone that will give me open and honest communication. For me, that's the easiest way to build trust. And I personally believe that trust, along with open and honest communication are two of the three most important things in any Rope, kink, or BDSM dynamic.

A difficult thing that I run into a lot is shyness. By nature, I think the majority of bottoms (especially submissive bottoms) have a degree of shyness. However, if I am going to engage in an adult activity with someone, they need to be able to have an adult conversation. And with me, I want that to be explicit as possible. I am unwilling to risk causing someone mental distress or potential harm, because there was a miscommunication about something like "sexual touch". Does "sexual touch" mean no manual penetration? Does it mean no genital stimulation? Does it mean no moving breasts to place the rope as high up on the rib cage as possible to make it as safe as possible (the upper ribs are less subject to damage then the lower ribs). To some people, only the first or second might apply. To some, all might apply (there's a fine line between moving and groping). So I look for partners that are able and willing to spell it out to me so that there is no guess work!

Granted, I'm always going to err on the side of caution. One person I tie with (and have tied with for about 7 years, and has given me consent to share this with the public) told me the first time we tied together that she did not want any kind of sexual touch. So I didn't. Year 4 rolls around, our relationship had deepened, she was my primary performance partner, we would date, etc. Then after tying one night, she asked me, "Look, I understand if you're not interested, and you can tell me if that's not the case, but are you ever going to make a move on me, because I'm kind of confused on what we're doing here?" Now the problem here, isn't about if I was interested or not. She had told me what she didn't want. But then she didn't tell me when that changed. Again, I'm not a mind-reader. If I ask, or try (which I obviously would never do, and didn't do), before she was ready, then I'm putting pressure on her to give her consent on something that she had stated that she was not giving me. Not cool. To me, lack of a "No" is not "Yes", it is an unknown. And I'm not going to risk breaching someone's consent on an unknown. Only a "Yes" is a "Yes". And personally, I only want an "Enthusiastic Yes". It just takes away from potential misunderstandings or regrets.

Ok, obviously I'm long-winded on this (and most subjects kink related, because I do believe that clarity matters with Rope/kink/BDSM, so I'd rather be clear than concise). But yes, I would tie with someone with limited or no experience in Rope, if they are able to have open and honest communication with me, if they are able to self-advocate for what they want, what their expectations are, if they don't understand the risks and are willing to actively listen to me explaining the risks, and are still enthusiastic about doing it within the negotiated boundaries that we set.