i have been thinking recently about what is wrong with me and why i have been alone forever and sometimes i say that i am “asexual” but i think that is definitely not the case. i have sexual feelings and thoughts plenty which i think is contrary to the idea. but my thought process usually goes like yeah sure that’d be nice to do that but then i’d have to meet someone and do the texting and getting to know each other and meeting each other’s friends and working out a time and a place and doing all the logistics and all that stuff and i just think nah i can’t be bothered that is way too much work for an end goal which is just fine but not that great?Â
but all that aside i never really meet anyone that 1. is single or 2. i actually have a crush on at all and i really don’t get it. when i was younger i would get mad crushes on people a lot but now that i am older i don’t get it at all? and i don’t know if that’s just being an adult and that’s what happens? you just don’t get crazy crushes on people anymore? but i watch tv and movies and it seems like the only motivating factor anybody ever has is they are “in love” with someone or whatever so they will save the world or fight the bad guy or break up their marriage or do whatever purely based on this feeling of attraction, and obviously movies and tv are not real life but i surely people would not write all this stuff if that wasn’t kinda how they felt in real life? and i watch this stuff and i just don’t understand anybody’s motivations because how can you like someone so much that you’d fuck up your life and your family or go through crazy stress and fighting and all this shit just to “be with them” and what does that even mean because in the movies it always means “do a sex” but like what do you do after that? do you actually like that person? do you have anything in common? are you gonna live together and go to work and come back home and one of you is gonna cook and you have to keep the house clean and maybe there are kids or whatever. i don’t get it.Â
like i definitely need to see a therapist probably who could just answer these questions but
what is trauma? what counts as trauma? i have absorbed so much media about “trauma” and how trauma can change your brain chemistry and how you think that now i wonder if all my unsuccessful romantic entanglements in my teenage years and early 20s just bashed me into a shape where my brain just won’t do it any more. there were defs at least three “relationships” i can point to where i was “fucked about” and gaslit and lied to and it hurt me so much and i just don’t know why. what was the point of any of it. and i am starting to wonder if these interactions, along with my depression have shaped my brain into this unnatural way, and it’s not that i’m “asexual” or “aromantic” it’s just that my brain is unwilling to be hurt again and had just stopped doing it. just like turned off all those receptors in my head because it never ends well.Â
i feel like i can definitely point to a time, a specific year, where things changed and i stopped wanting certain things and moved away from it all. like my subconscious just said no we’re not doing that anymore. and since then i’ve had a million reasons i could justify to myself that i wanted to be alone on top of near zero reasons not to be. in 8 years i think i’ve had maybe 3 crushes on anybody. that’s not normal right? i feel like everyone i know is in long term relationships forever. i cannot think of anybody i have known in the last 10 years who has been single for more than 6 months. so whatever i am, whatever i’m doing, it’s not normal? it’s definitely something? but it doesn’t feel like “asexuality”. is “unlucky” a sexual orientation. Â
it’s like, i would like to Like somebody enough to want to do something about it? but it’s got to the point where i’m so introverted that i’d rather not do anything if it means i can’t be on my own when i want to be. i value my own freedom too much to risk bothering anybody else with my attentions. and i value other people’s feelings to much to bother them if i can’t be fully committed. which seems totally fine to me? i don’t see any flaws in the logic there? but everybody else is always dating each other so either, they don’t care about other people’s feelings as much as i do, or they don’t care about having their own time as much as i do. either way, the problem is with my thought processes. or with my ... attraction center? (is that a thing? the part of my brain that controls who i am attracted to you know what i mean) that my brain won’t let me Like anyone, to protect myself.Â
maybe i am just fine like this? maybe this is all fine? maybe i really just don’t need anyone else, i don’t need to have sex. like honestly a large portion of all this anxiety comes from the fact that i can’t “do life” properly when i’m single because it is next to impossible to move and get a place of your own when you’re single, especially to buy a house it’s nigh impossible. and buying my own house has always been my goal since i was little. and that’s just a problem of capitalism, not a me problem. maybe if we lived in a world where i could afford my own place and to do what i wanted i wouldn’t be so distressed by all this. maybe if we lived in that world i wouldn’t be so introverted because obviously a big hurdle is even if i meet someone i do actually Like how am i gonna hook up with them if i still life with my parents. maybe if we lived in that world, mental health care would be adequately funded and i would have easily been able to see a therapist on the NHS 10 years ago and none of this would be an issue.Â
