philosophy. falafelcy. phenomenal, see?

never thought

i’d be on cloud nine 

again

but here i am

and it feels like

an illusion

why do i care

if you text me back?

what the hell

am i even thinking?

i shouldn’t be looking

but you’ve seen me 

for a while now

it’s hard to hide

from something

we actually like

& i think

i like

you’re finally out

of my world for good

and boy does it feel

so fucking good

i am light and free

like a morning breeze 

or a kite released

from a hand’s squeeze

i am lightning and thunder

and a rainstorm combined

but i’m free as a bird

i just now

rays of sunshine align

you smile at me

and yet

a reason to remain unhappy

overtakes any glow of joy

beats of insecurity

conduct my heart’s rhythm

unknowingly into the ocean

waves without a surfboard 

or a way to breathe underwater

i must hold my breath

& trust you

but do you

the clock strikes midnight

and i get your message

sleep cannot erase

my anxiety

i woke up 

distraught

your words baffle me still

why reach out

if you don’t know what you want?

you say you do

but i know otherwise

there’s nothing you could say

to hide your disguise

your words speak true

but your heart says a lie

i sure know a thing or two

that you don’t want to try

i cry

you lie

i lie

here alone

it’s not 

what i want

but i think

petal by petal

the rose of us

was destroyed

life evaporated from my eyes

as i watched us

destroy ourselves

all that's left

are the thorns

the painful memories

of agony and hurt

lifeless and dead

flashes of laughter

never to

behind these glasses

there’s a girl waiting to love you

eyes sparkling

like the wine she drinks

she cannot let go

of your hand 

in hers

even though it is gone

she can still feel

the ghost of your touch

she understands your pain

empathy is her superpower

but she never asked for one

behind these glasses

there’s a girl

trying to be happy

in a world

without

before us

there was no us

no one i could trust

nothing we could discuss

before sadness & despair

without grief in the air

our love was rare

i’ll say a prayer

i have to adjust

to a life again

before us

what we were

who we became

who was i

it feels like

i was just in the corner of the bed

an emotional sponge

absorbing your anger

but i did nothing to deserve it

your rage turned to my tears

my tears turned to emptiness

i sit here and wonder

could i have done any different?

have i not honesty?

kindness is all i speak.

a place of love, light, energy

seeking to improve your days.

i did

not deserve

to be thrown away

with the trash

when all i did

was 

the silent treatment

is a form of torture

only comparable to

slaughtering animals

but 

you cannot 

awakening from a dream

of you in my world

waking up in a cold sweat

i feel sick again

stomach in knots

i hunch over

in slow tears

why the hell

one of these days it’ll hit you

but it may be too late

the fire might have died 

and silence could creep in

the space between communication

a phone that doesn’t ring

notifications go ignored

pretending i don’t exist

will cease

go ahead

believe i’m trouble

but i’m really the solution

ask yourself

if you’re telling the truth

to yourself

am i really the problem here?

have i not kindness?

the sweetness of honey?

was i not the best i could be

during your agony & grief?

perhaps your anger

belongs to you

and you only

go ahead

believe i’m trouble

but i was

& have always been

kind

one day soon

the dust will settle and

you’ll remember that i was the one

who brought light to your dark

i wish it made more sense

the closeness & the distance

the ocean and the beach

splashing through the waves

without a bathing suit on

and not a care in the world

sitting in your front seat

your hand in mine

alone again

like it never happened

you are my beautiful stranger

your smile is burnt in my memory

i just wanted to help

you wanted me to leave but 

you also wanted me

dusk has hit &

i’m drinking wine alone

i know you’re doing the same

breathing the air of your absence

filled with tears that 

no one will wipe off your face

don’t you see i was here?

don’t you feel i’m still here?

i’m holding out but i can’t forever

i’ve lost so many eyelashes

crying over you

i can’t even remember

the last time i felt joy

block me out

when you need me most

and then yell at me

when i leave

i can no longer punish 

myself

for not being able

to make the pain leave

i can only provide light

& healing energy

but not even that

is enough

you are allowed

to be sad

allow yourself

to feel it

all of it

it’s okay

our memories are like wisps in time

dissipating smoke when the stars align

i can only remember your laugh and smile

i want to call and ask if you’d talk for a while

i know it’s rough and muddled now

but we can talk if you’ll just allow

yourself to open up, and i mean for real

i just want to hear how you really feel

pushing away your love will do you no good

i’m here because i want to be, not because i “should”

i love you forever and can’t get you out of my head

my soul pines for you, feels like water i have to tread.

i can’t forget about you or all the time we spent

even though i don’t like camping and can’t even set up a tent

i love you and the person you are no matter what

as much as i wish this were easier, i don’t feel my door is shut

i’m leaving it cracked open in case you wish to see

that through all the hardships and turmoil, you want to be with me.

i promise you that i’ll do whatever it takes

we can grow stronger from this, if we consider these just breaks

i want to grow alongside you like a tree

with roots so deep, the strongest winds cannot defeat you or me.

and if so you choose to be finished in november,

at least our memories are a gold mine that i’ll always remember

if that’s the case, even without me, i hope you will be happy.

and most of all, i hope this poem doesn’t sound sappy. 

i’m thankful for you and the lessons you have given me

our connection is something once-in-a-lifetime, even if you disagree.

i can’t stop loving you no matter how hard i try

when you’re hurting & alone

and your natural instinct is to push

think about where i’ll go

when you’re constantly telling me to fuck off

how can you love me if you

treat me that way?

how can you point the finger at me

and then say “baby i need you?”

i’m on your side and i miss your light

but i hate it when you make me cry

They say distance 

Makes the heart grow fonder

My heart was crumbling

I couldn't wait any longer. 

I wanted the happy version of us

Holding hands and kissing at midnight 

It was taken and thrown under the bus 

Next thing I knew, I was on a flight. 

I wanted to sacrifice everything for you  

But my strength was running low 

I felt like your big red target

And you were holding the bow & arrow

We didn't mean for it or want this 

But this is how it is now 

I wish it we could hug & kiss 

And work on our future somehow 

But it's not all about the future 

What about the present moment instead?

I don't want to shed a single tear again

As we jokingly ask, "All this for a loaf of bread?"

You mean the world to me my sweetheart

But things are not so sweet anymore 

I want to hold you tight in my arms again

And not start a war. 

I know you're hurting really badly

And I truly wish I could help or be there 

There are good and bad times in life

And I was willing to do nothing but share. 

I am a partner of kindness and good intent,

I cannot tell why I failed you, baby. 

I tried my best but we ought to try again. 

I keep thinking, maybe, just maybe. 

In the future there are going to be challenges 

Life can throw some crazy shit 

I want to be strong with you & face them together 

And I never want to truly quit. 

I'm sad, broken, and empty inside

I wish I could make it all go away 

I just want you to be happy again 

We built a home

That seemed to crash down