Cantebaloupe Memoirs

so that when I said no it sounded more like no and less like

well maybe

less like 

convince me 

less like

push a little harder, pressure me a little more

but then again, maybe I’m not bad at words. 

My mom is worried about my perception of men, and love, because the next man she was going to marry is gone now too. 

My mom is worried about my perception of men, and love, because she has always been strong enough to walk away from men that didn’t deserve her. 

My mom is worried about my perception of men, and love, but not because of anything men have done. 

But I, I am worried about my perception of men, and love, because of everything men have done. 

I am worried about my perception of men, and love, because my dad cheated on my mom after 25 years of marriage. 

I am worried about my perception of men, and love, because my dad still denies it to this day. Like anyone even cares at this point. 

I am worried about my perception of men, and love, because my stepdad honestly believes that a 21-year old was the cause of all his relationship problems. 

I am worried about my perception of men, and love, because after referring to me as his daughter for years, my step dad wanted nothing to do with me after he wasn’t with my mom.

I am worried about my perception of men, and love, because the boy I loved cheated on every girlfriend he’s ever had. with me. and told me it was my fault. 

I am worried about my perception of men, and love, because another boy lied to me to get me into bed. and then married the girlfriend he lied about. 

I am worried about my perception of men, and love, because now another boy wants to put me in the same situation. 

Fuck that. 

When I called the boy that raped me, a rapist, he felt bad. He was so hurt that I called him that. So I apologized. To my rapist.

I loved this boy

I loved this boy everyday for five years

I loved this boy on the day he told me I was special

And kind

I loved this boy on the day he told me I was his best friend

I loved this boy on the day he told me he wasn’t ready to date

I loved this boy the very next day, when he started dating someone else

I loved this boy on the day he told me “it would be our secret”

I loved this boy on the day that he raped me

I loved this boy every day for 5 years

Until one day I didn’t

And that very same day that I finally didn’t love him

Was the day he finally told me he loved me

I’m 23 now

And I know this new boy

And he tells me I’m special

And kind

And that I’m his best friend

But he also tells me

“It’ll be our secret”

I’m 23 now and I’m trying so hard to unlearn the lessons boys have taught me