Picture Perfect World

red-handed

Allison finally managed to control her breathing pattern so she wasn’t quaking in Evie’s embrace any more. The tears still fell from her dark eyes but they weren’t overflowing like they previously had been. A small amount of guilt blossomed when she felt Evie wince at her choice of words. She pulled her head up at Evie’s subtle touch and met her eyes. She shook her head and moved slightly forward so she could kiss Evie’s lips. “No. No I don’t think what we are doing is disgusting. I think it’s beautiful and I love being with you in every way.” She paused, licking her own lips as she tried to think of how to word her next statement. “I don’t think our relationship is disgusting but I feel…dirty at what I am doing. I am in a relationship with two people, I am sleeping with two people. I am a cheater. And that what makes me feel so…awful about myself. Not us. My actions.” she clarified, the corners of her lips turning into a sad smile. She leaned slightly in Evie’s touch before accepting her hand in hers, giving her hand a squeeze. “I don’t know either.” She whispered, resting her head against Evie’s chest again. “I just hate that I’m hurting him…but I also hate that I’m hurting you. I can’t promise you what you want…not yet and by making you wait…I’m just hurting you too because I know what you want and I can’t give it you completely yet.” Or ever, she finished the sentence in her head, lowering her eyes. The worst pain of all was not knowing. Not knowing what her future held or who she would break in the end. 

Evie stared into the dark galaxies held in Allison’s eyes, still glistening from the tears. Some of her inner-qualms were satiated as her lover explained that she didn’t think of their relationship as disgusting, but not all. Her mind had already filled in the words that were missing from the statement before Allison had a chance to say them. They were not disgusting, but what they were doing was. Light blue eyes fluttered closed and her chest rose slowly with a deep intake of breath. She knew - and she assumed that her lover did as well - that the only way that feeling of wretchedness could ever disappear for Allison was if she ended things, one way or another, whether that be with her or Christian. And somewhere in Evie’s soul, some dark part that held everything she didn’t want to bring into the daylight to face, she knew that she would be the infected limb Allison cut off to stop this disease from killing her. As Allison rested her head on her chest, Evie stroked her dark curls absently, twirling chocolate tresses around her index finger before letting them fall again. “Hurting me?” she parroted softly. “These past months…being with you…I’ve been happier than I can remember being in quite some time. I feel more like myself with you than I ever have with anyone else.” Her hand slipped beneath the dark locks of hair to gently cup her neck before she pressed a tender kiss to her forehead. “Waiting for you doesn’t hurt me, so long as I can wait with you.” She did not add how devastated she would be if the waiting ended and she was still not the one because she didn’t need to. That was obvious. But it was enough for now to just be by Allison’s side, even if it was temporary. “What about if tonight…we just forget about all of that? Let’s forget that we are in the home you and Christian made together, that we’re doing something wrong, that we have a future that we don’t know the end of. Tonight…let’s just be Allison and Evie, together and in love,” she suggested, searching her lover’s eyes for her opinion. “Can we do that? Just for tonight?”

Allison stayed quiet as Evie ran her fingers through her hair. She chewed on her bottom lips, her mind lingering on the unspoken words between them. Allison thought that they both knew how this was going to end. How could she give up her marriage for something she wasn’t sure would last? Allison’s eyes fluttered shut when Evie kissed her forehead and she sighed at her words. She couldn't deny that she too had left happier and more like her self when she was blonde girl. Evie brought out parts of her she didn’t know existed. How could she go back to pretending her normal life was how she wanted to live? She let the uncertainty of their future stay unsaid for now, she leaned up off of Evie and glanced down at her girlfriend with a soft smile. She leaned forward and kissed her softly, lingering against her lips for a second before pulling away. “Yes, we can do that. I’d like that actually.” Allison whispered back, smiling at Evie. One night when everything would be seemingly perfect was all Allison could ask for.

Allison finally managed to control her breathing pattern so she wasn’t quaking in Evie’s embrace any more. The tears still fell from her dark eyes but they weren’t overflowing like they previously had been. A small amount of guilt blossomed when she felt Evie wince at her choice of words. She pulled her head up at Evie’s subtle touch and met her eyes. She shook her head and moved slightly forward so she could kiss Evie’s lips. “No. No I don’t think what we are doing is disgusting. I think it’s beautiful and I love being with you in every way.” She paused, licking her own lips as she tried to think of how to word her next statement. “I don’t think our relationship is disgusting but I feel...dirty at what I am doing. I am in a relationship with two people, I am sleeping with two people. I am a cheater. And that what makes me feel so...awful about myself. Not us. My actions.” she clarified, the corners of her lips turning into a sad smile. She leaned slightly in Evie’s touch before accepting her hand in hers, giving her hand a squeeze. “I don’t know either.” She whispered, resting her head against Evie’s chest again. “I just hate that I’m hurting him...but I also hate that I’m hurting you. I can’t promise you what you want...not yet and by making you wait...I’m just hurting you too because I know what you want and I can’t give it you completely yet.” Or ever, she finished the sentence in her head, lowering her eyes. The worst pain of all was not knowing. Not knowing what her future held or who she would break in the end. 

Allison sank into her bed, her hands cradling her face. A sob shook her frame violently and even though she tried to stop the breakdown she was feeling , she couldn’t stop it. Before Allison could comprehend what was going on, she was shaking, sobs erupting from her. The pain and guilt of everything she had been dealing with came crashing down. Every pained and angry look that Christian sent her flashed in her mind, every sentence he ever told her that was obviously filed with hurt struck her and suddenly she felt like the vermin she knew she was. The nights she would be giggling and smiling and rolling in the sheets with Evie, her husband would lay alone in this bed, worried and hurt. Not only Christian, but Evie too. She had this wonderful and amazing girl who loved her strung along. She couldn’t even promise that they would have a happy ending because she didn’t know what she wanted. The thought of leaving Christian struck fear inside of her and she wasn’t sure she could leave him. That only built more hate because in the end, Allison was almost positive she would be Evie’s destruction. The sound of her sobs covered the sound of Evie trying to get into the room and she did not realize she wasn’t alone until she felt her body against hers, the bed dipping at the added weight. She listened to the words, letting the soft tone try and soothe her. When Evie finished, Allison shifted and leaned into her. The other girl was right, she knew she couldn’t keep this in but how could she talk about her husband to her lover? She pushed her weight back until they both fell against the bed and she curled herself into Evie, resting her head against her chest. “It’s just....I can’t stand to hurt him. I love him too.” She whispered, though she was unsure if she loved him the same. “I can’t let him touch me without feeling disgust for myself. I can’t stand to see him hurting. He’s my best friend. I have a life with him and it’s eating me apart.” She whispered, her breath labored. “He is a really good man...he loves me and all he wants is for me to be happy. He was supposed to be my prince...he was supposed to be my happy ending and I was supposed to be his...but I think I’m just his undoing.”

Allison scoffed, her head shaking at Evie’s cold words. She just couldn't stop insulting and criticizing her marriage, could she? “I was happy!” And she had been, she had been happy because that was the only life she had known. She had not known there was anything else so she had been happy with what she had. Her marriage had been perfect. Allison fought when she felt Evie’s hands trying pull her hand from her face but eventually, let the blonde do what she wanted. Dark eyes been oceanic ones in a hard stare and scoffed at the reply. Allison wasn’t someone to open up emotionally. It took a lot for her to do so but even a simple query would have meant the world to her coming from the woman who was supposed to love her. When her hands were unpinned, Allison let them fall to her sides, curling into fists once more. Once again, it was suddenly all about her and for a moment, Allison did start to feel guilty. She had a point; Allison had not exactly opened up to Evie emotionally yet. It had not been fair to blow on Evie when Allison had know that the way of she was feeling wasn’t something to be shared. Sure, they shared love but other than that, Evie didn’t know anything about her. Where Allison could provide little details about Evie, the other girl couldn’t do the same for her.  How can she be mad at her for something that wasn’t her fault? “Then how I am supposed to let you in when it doesn’t seem like you even care?” She asked, voice cold.  Inhaling deeply, Allison nodded numbly and shook her head. She had known this wasn't something she could talk about. This was her punishment for the evils she was doing.  There was pressure in her chest, the urge to cry still deep within her but she tried to push it down. “You know what? You’re right.” She said after a moment. “No, you’re right. I haven’t let you in and I’m sorry. You didn’t deserve any of that...just forget it.” Allison said, voice low as she wiped at her face. She was trying to find her composure again but she found it was proving to be an impossible task. “I’ll deal with my ruined marriage separately. She needed to get out and leave this room because she was seconds away from breaking down and she didn’t want to do it in front of her. “I’ll...I’ll be back.” She whispered, turning and leaving the room behind without a backwards glance. 

Allison nodded at her explanation, slightly thankful that she had not left work any earlier. If she had, she would have been here for the argument and probably would have made things worse. “What? No.” Allison responded, eyebrow knitting at the question. She leaned her head up, letting her girlfriend take her temperature. When Evie grabbed her face, Allison lowered her eyes slightly to avoid Evie’s gaze. Her eyes closed momentarily at the slight kiss but when the question was thrown in the air, Allison scowled and pulled away from the blonde girl’s grip. “Nothing he doesn’t have a right a do. We got into a little fight.” She smiled, waving off the concern like she always did. She had chosen to do this to her life so she had to endure this. She would swallow all her emotions keep the mask up because the disaster her life had become was her own doing. “What do you want to do tonight?”

Evie retracted her hand quickly, staring at her lover after the sudden movement. Her hand twitched at her side, and she lowered her eyes. “He doesn’t have the right. Just because-” She cut her sentence short, grinding her teeth down to bite back the words. Of course Allison would think that she was deserving of whatever Christian had thrown at her, but it wasn’t her fault. It was her own selfishness. “I want to talk about whatever is bothering you,” she said, leaning down so that she was at eye-level with Allison. Her fists unclenched, and she placed a hand on her knee. “Stop pretending. Do you think I know so little about you that I don’t know when you’re hurting? I just want to know what’s wrong.” Her fingers slipped down Allison’s thin leg, fingernail snagging on a small run in her tights. Blue eyes looked up at Allison and soft lips pressed a kiss to her knee. “I would’ve thought you loved me enough by now to let me in.”

Allison turned her eyes away from Evie, sighing at the direction their conversation was taking. She had hoped this wouldn’t become a thing and they would have dropped it by now. The older female listened to the words that were being said and she felt her fists clenching at her sides. Stop pretending? How could she ever stop pretending? She could never talk about this with her. It either always made Evie feel guilty or it would upset her. Allison had no one to talk to about any of this.  She could have let everything else go but the last sentence drove her off the wall. Didn’t love her enough? She was risking her entire life for this girl and she didn’t love her enough? Allison’s teeth clenched and she dug her fingernails into her palm before she shot up and stared down at Evie. “Love you enough?” Allison asked her with disbelief in her voice. “God Evie...just....just shut up. It’s not all about you, don’t you get that!?” Allison’s voice rose and she stepped away from her lover, pacing the room before turning to face her. “It’s always about you. Always! So don’t you dare question the fact that I love you because everything I do is for you! Everything that happens to me is because of you! My life is bloody mess because of you! Because I love you!” Allison seethed, her voice echoing off the walls of her study. “So yes! Christian has every right to say and do whatever the hell he wants because I am ruining him! I am ruining our marriage! Because I am an adulterous bitch and I am fucking around with someone else!” Her voice broke and she felt the hot sting of angry tears  building in her eyes. Christian hated her and she didn’t blame him. She hated herself. “Well what about me?! What about the fact that I hate myself? What about the fact that I can’t sleep at night because I am flooded with guilt and disgust at the woman I have become?! Did you ever stop and think that this isn’t just hard on you?! I don’t even know who I am anymore!!” Allison’s breathing was heavy, her frame shaking.  “Don’t fucking pretend to care for one second about what is going on in my life because you dont!” Allison shouted, wiping angrily at the tears that run down her cheeks. “You have no idea what I am feeling because you have never bothered to even ask. This affair is hard on you? Please....” Allison shook her head and stepped back until her back hit the wall. In that moment, she found herself wanting Christian there. She needed to hear that he forgave her, needed to feel him hold in because he knew how to soothe her. “Oh god...” She whimpered to herself, covering her face to hide the tears that wouldn’t stop flowing. 

Allison nodded at her explanation, slightly thankful that she had not left work any earlier. If she had, she would have been here for the argument and probably would have made things worse. “What? No.” Allison responded, eyebrow knitting at the question. She leaned her head up, letting her girlfriend take her temperature. When Evie grabbed her face, Allison lowered her eyes slightly to avoid Evie’s gaze. Her eyes closed momentarily at the slight kiss but when the question was thrown in the air, Allison scowled and pulled away from the blonde girl’s grip. “Nothing he doesn’t have a right a do. We got into a little fight.” She smiled, waving off the concern like she always did. She had chosen to do this to her life so she had to endure this. She would swallow all her emotions keep the mask up because the disaster her life had become was her own doing. “What do you want to do tonight?”

crumbling

Allison sat her desk, fingers knotted in her hair. She flinched slightly when she heard the front door slam shut with such force she swore the large home shook. Christian never slammed doors, he never raised his voice, he never left home if they were in the middle of the fight, and he would never leave without at least telling her I love you. He didn’t do any of that tonight. Tonight, Christian had left seething without so much as a backwards glance at her. He was upset with her and rightfully so. They fought every day now and it was taking it’s toll on her emotionally. She didn’t know how long she could keep living this life. How long she could keep hurting her husband. She loathed herself and the person she had become but she couldn’t end either portion of her life. Evie was her love and she needed her but Christian had been there for her and she had vowed herself to him. Lost in her thoughts, she didn’t even hear Evie until the door of her study was unexpectedly opened. The dorkish antics would have normally had her giggling with lover but today, Allison barely smiled at her. She wiped at her face, hoping to erase any signs of the fight that had just taken place. “Hey. You’re early.” She commented, shifting in her chair to face her. 

Allison loved mornings. There was nothing she liked better than to wake up bright and early. It gave her alone time, time to go for a run, time to work on her garden. It was just her before the activities of the day swept her up.