Faceless.

I feel like I'm on a rollercoaster of feeling better then worse. I want my Ex to come back and regret what he did, but I also don't. I want him to still regret it, but I also want him to recognize the state he left me in. I hate him but I still care and I ache each time I see him online on discord. I always make sure to avoid directly interacting with him. I've kept my end up with no contact. That's what he desired of me.

I hate him, but I still want him. Please, if anyone sees this, how do you get over a heartbreak and betrayal of nearly five years? I know it's nonlinear but it hurts. It feels like I was left to rot and be abandoned by the one I loved. Like I wasn't worth a direct way out. He took the cowards way out and wants no contact and I feel like I'm going insane.

WHAT A TRAITOR TRAITORTRAITORTRAITORTRAITORTRAITORTRAITOR I BROKE MYSELF FOR HIM. I GAVE HIM SO MUCH AND I CAN BARELY NAME ANYTHING OF SUBSTANCE HE GAVE IN TURN. HE NEVER CARED ABOUT ME. NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER. HE WOULDN'T HAVE LEFT HE WOULDN'T HAVE CAUGHT FEELINGS FOR SOMEONE ELSE. HE WOULD'VE COMMUNICATED WITH ME HOW HE FELT, BUT HE DIDN'T PROPERLY. GOD I HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HIM FOR THIS

I miss him. He was my favorite person. I know I was his at a point, but I guess that changed last year. Was it my fault? Was it his? Was it some outside force? Was it just not meant to be? Was it not true love or that we weren't soulmates? Was our communication that bad? Did I break myself that much for him? Did he really think I didn't love him?

Was I just an emotional tool for him? Did he discard me when I felt like shit then made me feel even more like shit? I want to be angry. I want closure. I want to shake his shoulders and ask what he wants from me. He hasn't blocked me on discord, but has unfriended me on simply plural and airbuds after he broke up with me. I wish he gave me time. I wish he didn't get so attached to his friends. I'm afraid he lost feelings because of his attachment to them or if I just- wasn't enough last year. Am I worth anything? Should I just- take my meds and do myself in? Who would miss me? Certainly not him. Especially if he dropped me like that. He said he had to lose feelings first for this, but it feels so abrupt for a nearly 5 year relationship.

I hate this pain. I've never felt it before. I feel like I'm missing a vital part of me, but does he feel that? Does he know I still have the shirt he made me? Our long distance bracelets? Our matching rings as well as all those bracelets he made me? Did almost 5 years mean nothing? I know he said he had to lose feelings first to make this decision, but it hurts. I feel like this could've been prevented if I was better, but had I pushed myself further last year, I might've actually gone to a psych ward.