Just a star

“I know that I promised that we would drink but we actually have to go through the tour first now shhh I’m trying to listen.” Juda whispered as he followed along with the rest of the tour group. When he had first researched fun things to do in Park City the High West Distillery Tour was at the top of his list. He loved touring breweries. From learning the history and craft of the places to getting to taste out the alcohol. Juda wasn’t a crazy partier so drinking in this setting was also nice for him. He returned to attentively listening to their guide. 

Ezra shook his head as he should have realized that Juda would be more interested in the tour. It wasn’t boring, but he wanted to get drunk at a place that allowed it - especially during the day. It was hard to resist, but his patience level was higher for people like Juda.Ezra rolled his eyes, nudging the male. The chuckle he was saving came out while gazing from the tour guide, to Juda, to the are around them.  “J, you look like a kid in a candy store right now.”

“So I think I am going on a date today but I’m really not sure,” Cooper said talking on his phone. “Well I was at the gym and this girl asked me to spot her, we talked a bit and it turns out she grew up here so she offered to give me a tour. Is it a bad idea to get in the car with a stranger alone and go to unknown locations? I feel like this is a trap,” he said with a little laugh. “Oh sorry, yeah go to work, don’t want to make you late. I’ll get someone here  to come with me and the stranger.” He hung up and then looked around for someone to go on a slightly dangerous outing with him.

Ezra listened to what Cooper was saying, happy that he went on a date. “Coop...You’re speaking to someone who has let random guys he met at the bar take him home.” He was very serious saying this. Ezra was sober for the past few days after his binge, not wanting too have too much fun at once. “If you want me to come I will be it really doe shave to be thrilling.”

He smiled as they kissed. It was nice. They will always have a special place for one another in their hearts and their relationship has matured enough for quiet moments like this. With his lips still close to Ezra’s and his smile still present he softly said, “It’s because you love me too much.” 

 Despite Ezra’s outward personality of oversharing and overconfidence Juda knew there were so many things that he kept to himself. In high school he saw that private side of Ezra and it is what made him develop actual feelings for the boy. Seeing his home life and hearing his deeper thoughts connected them in ways Juda will forever be grateful for. “Even after this trip I’m always a phone call or a few hour drive away.” He was glad that he decided to move to Seattle. He was still close enough to their home where he could go and visit frequently. Staying close to home and his friends was one of the biggest concerns when considering traveling in the future. Juda beamed at Ezra’s kind words and rested his chin on Ezra’s shoulder. “We have a whole road trip to do some soul searching. We will figure out your demons and get rid of them. Okay?” Juda nodded his head a few times at Ezra’s proposal. “I’d really like that.” 

“Juda Nassar, I think you’re onto something.” He responded, confirming his statement. “It’s just good I can finally cuddle with you after sending you so many texts about it.” Comfort is what he found and just being around another guy who won’t leave him crying or looking for another fuck just to get the feeling of someone giving him attention or care. “You’re hard to not care for. I mean..look at you. You’re adorable, smart -” Ezra stopped for a second. “How do you make me do that?”

“Don’t offer that because I’ll be in Seattle a lot. I think I’m already bored of where I’m living.” His parent’s had restaurants throughout the United States so he could easily go somewhere else, it was just the thought of him falling back into the time four years ago when he first turned twenty-one and thought he could do anything. He’s learned from then, but could easily fall again. Ezra rubbed at Juda’s back, moving his gaze from the ceiling to the back of his head where he planted a kiss.  “I’m going to need a fucking exorcist. My parents force me to go three times a year and I feel like my body was going to set on fire.” He teased. Ezra was already planning out what to do. “And we can also just relax. Have you ever had a picnic on the very top of a hike? It’s an amazing place to read - which I know the cute nerd in you likes.”

“The ratings on that show would be astronomical,” Ash commented with a laugh. He sighed when Ezra brought up Derek and shook his head, “I mean I like Derek, I just get the feeling like he doesn’t like having me around that much. It’s been tense for a while. I reached out a while back and it didn’t go well.” He shrugged, not wanting to get too much into it. He laughed as Ezra denied the chance of them ever sleeping together again, “Wouldn’t want to distract you from doing Beyonce’s work,” he joked as Ezra’s knee made contact with his. “Yeah, no problem, shoot.” 

“I’d totally go for a host role. I watch enough Big Brother to know how to ask certain questions and look stunning on television.” Ezra marveled at the thought, and he had the clothing for it. “Well, I wish you the best of luck with that.” Ezra knew how to talk to certain people, often putting on the best facade depending on who he was around. It got to the point of him sometimes not knowing who he really is - but then a shot focuses that. “Alright. What do you think of me as a person? Be honest here and no appearance is allowed to be mention - I know I’m hot.”

Nicky leaned back in her chair, “Huh, I mean I guess it’s smart to bring a few. I only brought two and I’m just hoping that we stay at enough places where I can do laundry. Or that I can find time to hit a laundromat.” She chose to ignore his comment about hating his life every morning as she watched him pour himself a drink, “It’s been my personal experience that alcohol leads to too many regrets, but I’m sure there’re plenty of people around here that would love to do shots with you.”

“Worst case scenario, we’ll have to get one of those buckets and hand-washed things that the people that make gummy bears and ride in carriages.” He was totally kidding, he didn’t mind finding some cheap laundromat. “That’s why you don’t get black out unless you really want to have a good night.” He wasn’t going to push the situation here, but he could still make decent conversation. “So, what have you been up to since high school?”

Ash smiled, “Alright, consider the compliment taken,” he said as Ezra rested his elbow on his stomach. He listened as Ezra explained his point of view on Derek’s situation. Ash wished people didn’t have to break down to handle their shit, but he knew that for most of them that was how they realized they had stuff to deal with. “Yeah, emotions are a bit of a touchy subject with this group. Too bad none of us went into psychiatry or anything like that,” he joked. He looked back over at Ezra, “You’ve made a decent amount of ‘if we fuck again’ comments since I got back here, are you coming onto me?” Ash teased back, bumping his shoulder against Ezra’s. “I’m sure you’ll figure it out, tattoos are really personal and when you know what you want you know.” He didn’t know how to explain it any more clearly, but he realized how obvious that sounded.

“Oh yeah. We could have that reality show where we get one, imagine the fucking drama we’d ha-” Ezra sighed. “Sorry, I naturally push away conversations about emotions. Anyways...Do you not like Derek or something? If you don’t, I’m surprised I had no idea you had that kind of bone in your body. You also get along with me and I’m pretty fucking bitchy.” Ezra took a deep breath after. “No, not at all. I’d never sleep with you.” Of course he wasn’t being serious but he loved acting this way. “I’m a child of god, having sex with guys prevents me from spreading the word of Beyonce.” He teased, lightly nudging him with his knee. “Wow, that was cliche but cute. But..thank you Ash. I’ll be sure to bother you with pictures. Also..can I ask you a semi-serious question?”

“Well, you’re welcome then,” Nicky said as she tossed another hand of chex mix into her mouth. “Did you bring another pair for swimming? It seems a little excessive…” She shook her head, “Not really into shots,” she said with a shrug, “I don’t want to end up hating my life in the morning.” 

He nodded along to everything she was saying, as she wasn’t wrong. “I brought several pairs. I’m not wearing my expensive trunks to swim.” Ezra had a pair that was under $100 which was cheap to him. Their was a red solo cup pattern and a flamingo pattern. He went around to grab his backpack, giving her the most offended look. “Wow, then it looks like I have to drink for the both of us.” He had a bottle of fireball and cheap glasses he picked up from family dollar. “I hate my life every morning so it’ll happen no matter what.” He used the plastic chair as a mini-table and quickly began pouring. “I’ve been consistently drunk since being here. I came here with no regrets and I’m going to leave here with no regrets.”

“i should always be at the top. if you’re not first, you’re last. that’s what i’ve been taught my entire life. at least when i was playing sports.” he shook his head. “i don’t doubt that but i can be persuasive.” his eyebrows lifted at the other man as he shared the couch with him. he had only drank one cup and he wasn’t anywhere near drunk. it would take several more. he could handle his liquor pretty well. “that was nice. not too hot. you’re still ridiculous. i told you that this body is a lot of hard hours in the gym every week. i’ve been slacking since this trip started. i need more cardio.” a slight eyeroll fell across his face. “are followers the only thing you care about?”  it was an honest question but he was sure he knew the answer. “that’s true but everyone publicizes their personal lives all the time. it’s not like anything is a secret anymore. not with everyone always keeping track of one another.” he shrugged, lifting his cup for another sip. “i know that i can. it’s a question of when.”

“the problem is that i’m always on top. except in the bedroom.” ezra said, meaning to put out the innuendo. “oh believe me when i say that i know all about being on top, charming.” he was well aware of the jock’s actions in high school, constantly talking about how much he admired the man in high school. “slacking is okay considering you’re still fucking jacked.” ezra had a toned figure, but not nearly as great as the man in front of him who had abs and muscles that made him look like a body builder. “you know that answer to that question.” followers brought the best feeling of adrenaline, especially when the threshold is broken when he reached 500+ likes. “i don’t disagree with you but that’s the way things are.” ezra gave a smug look. “i’ll be sure to let you know.” he was always playing hard to get, and he knew his skill level which was above a lot of other people. “has anyone told you that you’re drinking too much yet? i’m asking because i drink like you and i’ve been getting it. do what you want, i’m legit just curious.”

He liked when he got to see Ezra authentically laugh. Authentically do anything for that matter. He liked who Ezra was behind his social media image and his cocky, yet defensive, attitude. “Oh is that right?” He mocked, kissing Juda again, this time a little longer. 

He was concerned for Ezra. Some of the things Ezra would do for the sake of attention were over the top and dangerous. He didn’t want anything bad to happen to him but he didn’t know how to help, He wasn’t invincible despite what he would like to let everyone believe. “Just know that I care. Ellie cares. Everyone on this bus cares. You have people that really like you and you don’t need to prove anything to us.” Juda squeezed tightly to Ezra’s hand.”Messing up sucks but it’s bound to happen. Was that sound cricket advise? I’m not sure if I’m qualified for being an official conscious. It’s not like I’m making the best life advise.” 

Ezra closed his eyes for a moment after the kiss, his tired voice still present. He opened his eyes to look into Juda’s. “You do realize that you’re one of few people who can get me to shut up..and actually want to kiss you when I’m not trying to get in your pants.”

Hurting Juda in any way managed to pull strings that he didn’t know he had. Emotions were something he tried to hide around people, but Juda knew exactly who Ezra was - and he couldn’t hurt one of few people who expressed genuine concern for his safety. Ezra’s managed to hear words that made him bite his lip. “That was amazing advise, J. Maybe I just need to keep breaking out my phone when I’m about to fuck shit up.” He shook his head. “You’re an amazing counselor, babe. You think with your heart and you shine brighter than anyone I’ve ever seen. Don’t ever fucking think you’re not. I’m the broken record here.” Ezra kissed him several times. “If you want to know a secret..I’m my biggest enemy. I know that..but I can’t figure out why.” He smiled. “How about this? You want to go on a sober hang out with me? I won’t drink..at all..and maybe we can catch up more.”

Juda beamed as he watched Ezra laugh. It was one of the few ways that Ezra lost all of his power and Juda thought it was adorable. He wasn’t unfamiliar with tickling Ezra and knew he liked it even if he huffed about it. “So are yours.” He scrunched his nose at being flicked and stuck out his tongue. He liked that they could be playful even when they were both still sleep deprived and hungover. 

Juda didn’t like hearing that. He wanted to be able to protect Ezra even though he knew he couldn’t nor was it his sole responsibility. “You’re have strong emotions Ez. They make you act impulsive sometimes but not crazy. I think you just need to take a second before reacting.” Easier said than done. Juda was known for emotional decision making so he wasn’t one to talk. Granted Juda’s decisions were never as dangerous. “You need to be safe. For yourself, for me, for everyone.” 

Ezra hated people having power over him, and his own sensitive body was a blessing and a curse. More of a blessing when clothes were off and he wanted to feel good in every way, less when he was trying to avoid being tickled. “I think you’re going to have to do it again, my lips are freezing.” He teased, but still being completely serious. Ezra puckered his lips, ready for Juda to make another move. “It feels good when you’re the one initiating it.” His tone was a tired one with slight pain from his headache, but getting kissed made it slightly better.

Ezra chuckled, not believing that he wasn’t crazy. He was the guy who told a dude’s girlfriend he slept with Ezra solely because Ezra was pissed that he didn’t hook up with him when Ezra wanted. Maybe he wasn’t awful, and he was just a man who needed attention because he hated being alone. “I’ll attempt to try..but we both know how much I love to feel alive.” Deep down he was alone, and the added years of his parent’s leaving for days and weeks upon ends contributed to it. “I’m glad you still care.” Putting himself in dangerous situations brought attention he loved, that he even craved.  “Seriously...and we both know I’m invincible.” Ezra put their foreheads back together. “I won’t bullshit you when I say that I’ll straighten up..I’m going to fuck up Juda..but I really will promise that I’ll text you when I do some stupid shit. Maybe you can be my little cricket.”

Ash blushed a little, shrugging off the compliment, “It’s just something that seems right to me. We all came together because of her, and now we’re all here because of her…” He sighed at the point Ezra made about Derek, “I know, everyone handles things in there own way. I just wish he’d lean on the people who want to help him while he handles it.” He stretched a little in the bed and laughed when Ezra brought up a bus tattoo, “I promise it won’t be a bus tattoo. It’s gotta be something cooler than that if it’s to honor her. And hey, if you figure out what you want on your bicep while we’re on this trip, I’ll go with you when you get it.” 

Ezra sighed. “Take the damn compliment, Ash.” He said, closing his eyes while speaking and then opening them. “It’s fucking sweet and you furthered my point by denying you’re sweet for doing something sweet.” He smiled. “That was the nicest thing you’re getting from me.” He rested his elbow on top of Ash’s stomach while still keeping the upper part of his arm on his own body. “Just give him time. If he’s like me he’ll breakdown after something happens.” Derek and Ezra were alike, and both loved doing things they shouldn’t (and people).  “Not all of us like to show our emotions. It makes us uncomfortable. I wish I could..but..can’t. If you get me drunk enough I become a mid 2000s Brittany minus the Carrie underwood.” Ezra looked at Ash. Ezra could perfectly balance his tone, almost like a switch. “Good, because if you ruined your tattoos that I already like with that..again..if we ever fucked again from this point on the lights would need to be off.” He teased. “I honestly don’t know yet. I want a semi deep quote I can look at and get emotional and shit.”

“I take it that’s not a compliment.” It wasn’t a question exactly, because he saw Ezra’s eye roll. “Dude, that’s the entire plan so far, I’m just going to get one,” Ash insisted as the other pouted. He noted Ezra’s comments about having girls all over him and not waking up before 11 am, Ezra still pouting. “Okay, so it’s a secret and you definitely can’t tell Derek because he’s been weird about the trip, but I’m thinking of getting some sort of memorial tattoo for Laurel at some point. I don’t know what yet, but it’s in the back of my mind and I’m thinking about it.” 

Ezra felt bad and immediately turned around. “That’s..really sweet of you.” Laurel was one of the first people that Ezra came out too back when they were younger, and her acceptance along with Ellie and a few others is what shaped him to have the confidence that he had today. He understood Derrick in a way that alcohol and other reckless behaviors/activities helped with pain though he may not realize it or not. “I think we just have to give Derrick time. Just let him have fun and I’m sure something will come out.” Ezra understood him in the way that it was a lot more fun to have your mind focusing on other things, even if they weren’t the best. “Just please don’t get a tattoo of a bus. I’d have to have you wrap it up if I decide to get naked with you again.” He didn’t know if he was joking, he just didn’t know if he could have sex with someone that had a bus on them. “I was thinking about getting words on my bicep, I just don’t know what.”

“Deny it all you want but I know it’s true.” Juda poked Ezra’s side and then tickled him, “See you do have soft spots and I know all about them.” He laughed, allowing his hangover to become nothing but an after thought. He blushed at being called special and gave Ezra a quick kiss. 

Juda never thought that their relationship would reach the level that it had. When they first starting seeing each other Ezra wouldn’t even let Juda into his house and especially not let him meet his family. It wasn’t until much later he learned how far removed Ezra’s parents were from him. The one benefit of that was that Juda was able to sleepover on nights without much grief from any of their parents. He liked sleeping over so Ezra had someone to be with, talk to and hold.

Juda was the same way. While not competitive in things like sports, he could become quite prideful when his individual talents were being put to the test. His heart hurt for Ezra as he said this. He thought it was going to be something a little lighter but that didn’t make him fast to react. He held Ezra tighter, “I know nothing is wrong with you Ezra. But if you want to talk about what you think there is that is wrong, I’m here.” 

Ezra was extremely ticklish, and he jumped and gave Juda a look. “You know that’s not fair, Nassir.” He had an extremely sensitive body, and Juda was well aware. Even getting his back kissed or a finger grazed across it could make him laugh. It was worse when he went to doctor appointments and would start laughing because his back or legs were being touched. “Your lips are warm.” He commented, giving the man a flick on the side as revenge but still acting sweet like he had before.

“You sure about that because I do some pretty reckless shit. There are things I don’t tell you because the last thing I need is you worrying about me.” Ezra was one to climb abandoned buildings, hike in the dead of night, take risk such as sitting on a moving car , and getting black out drunk and never worrying about a ride home. “I don’t fucking know..I just enjoy putting myself in some kind of harm whether it be emotional or physical.” Ezra rubbed at his forehead. “Jesus fucking christ I’m sorry that I’m talking to you like this..I’m just..It’s just always been easy to talk to you.” He took a deep breath, putting his head on Juda’s chest and rubbing his head several times. “And I really don’t want to drag you down with me because I don’t even think I can stop.”

“Thanks, Ezra,” Nicky said at his compliment. At his comment about photo creds she laughed, “I appreciate it.” Nicky didn’t really care much about follower count, but her last visit to Ezra’s profile had shown he had a plethora of them. She shrugged, “I don’t think it’s bad, I mean not everyone’s into swimming. I personally think Julie picked a pool party as an excuse to see all the guys shirtless,” she laughed. “I would rather keep my hair dry so it doesn’t end up frizzy and make me look like the swamp thing, but I’ll probably go like shoulder level in the pool at some point.” 

“I should be thanking you.” Ezra didn’t give his followers bad pictures. He even went back through his old account and deleted the embarrassing pictures that everyone posted when they first got their Instagram accounts. “Oh I love swimming, but these trunks are more for pictures than actual swimming.” They didn’t call him Extra Ezra on the cheerleading squad for nothing. “Well, it’s a shame that I like dick so I’m more of a google image to her than anything.” Ezra shrugged. “Are you up for taking shots in a bit?”

“Know it’s clear you know the way to my heart too. You and your words are sweet.” He was glad they were back to. Settling in to their current position Juda closed his sore eyes and smiled. He took in the quiet moment between their back in forth.

Juda was guarded. That was obvious. But he also couldn’t help but show his emotions on his sleeve. He wouldn’t tell you much right away but you could assume. With Ezra Juda had difficult understanding Ezra in the same way. He put on a much better face than he did. But over nine years of knowing him so closely Juda can fully understand Ezra.

“Life is more fun with a bit of fun competition. I’m glad we are both good sports.” Juda actually liked that about Parker too. Parker was challenging and intellectually stimulating. If that challenging personality didn’t have to lean so poorly to negative things could have worked out. Juda giggled when Ezra asked him to make a promise. He would promise not matter what but he was particularly intrigued by what would warrant a pinky promise. “Sure thing Ez, I pinky promise.” He stuck out his pinky from under the covers.

“I’m far from sweet, and we can’t let people know that because they’d start knowing I had an actual soft side.” He teased, but was being serious. Ezra cared what people thought of him and was always trying to appear larger and higher than everyone else but acting like things didn’t phase him. Why let everyone see his soft side when it would only make things worse for him. “You’re just..special.”

Was Ezra one who could be understood, because he was trying to understand himself. He craved attention, and craved any form of interaction and the root of it was the way he grew up. Juda knew Ezra’s situation, and how he got away with everything and acted the way he did just to get in some sort of trouble and maybe his parents would just let him fall. There were nights he spent home alone for days with just the nanny, and the amount of times his parents missed whatever he had going on. It was Juda who gave him that comfort in high school, and of course he would know.

“It is, but it’s even more fun when you’re winning. At least winning gives this great pride. I beat myself up when I lose.” Ezra hadn’t in years, and he was laughing at himself right now. “I have a fucking problem and I don’t know how to solve it. Like...something is clearly wrong with me but I couldn’t tell you what it was.” Ezra gave Juda a kiss on the cheek. “Seriously, how the fuck did you deal with me?”