✰

Reality of it I am.

And I hate it ….

I hurt her

But I i told her so.

I can’t keep being sorry

And I can’t keep

Doubling down.

This is stupid your stupid you’ve always been stupid and estranged just like your father

Of course

Of course

Of course

Thank you

Thank you

Thanks to you

Is that what you want to hear?

Do you think one day I’ll end up back in that town

Go to a place so far from what I know that there’s no fear?

I can’t ever do that.

It’s too dangerous

And it should never have been your problem.

I am

Constant in my suffering

And I’ll endure it .

Should I be homeless?

No

But my home feels crammed

I do things and I hide away.

Agoraphobia is my vice and the fact I don’t leave my house says a lot more

I don’t want to leave my room because these animals

Sure I have money but I hold no purpose

I hold only

A handful of friendships and extend my arms for more

….but their closed around me now

Because I need a hug.

From anyone else then my own flesh and blood

It’s not the Same

I’ve been screaming for god knows how long

Sobbing

Shaking and falling to my knees with no way to properly …fall onto someone. And god I wish I did. But I can’t

I can’t have what had that’s fine

I lost it

Im constantly uncomfortable

I don’t enjoy it

Disgusting

I don’t care how you admire my body

Stop it stop it stop it

I can’t

Do this to you.

…….

Don’t hate me

I can’t love you like I’m supposed to.

It scares you already exactly what I am.

And every conversation looops back to sex

I told you

I can’t love you

I didn’t want to

I’ve given you a chance .

Imwas trying to clean

I swear

But it’s so much and I don’t want to throw it all away …

Like yeah sure I had a three some with some suspiciously looking family members in my dream

I don’t like it

….im disgusted by it

And it keeps happening

And I

Don’t

Understand it

It keeps happening

Dad,uncle,brother. Others grandpa?? I guess

I ts

Torture and pain wrapped up into one blunt to smoke right away and wake up disoriented.

But of course no one dares talk about it the way I do.

Mm mm

I feel them in my throat and they make my eyes burn with tears

It hurts me as much as they writhe oh godit hurts

The lords eyes are cruel enough… the rabbits worse. They’ve torn my garden and now mock me.

And holding his face together

It’s hard not to watch.

It’s like bleeding on the floor and not understanding where it’s coming from

And

….he can’t do anything about it.

But cry

And scream

And hit the floor begging for some mercy but he can’t

His mind is fractured to time and the concept of crawling back and being held is foreign to him …

Poor flightless dove stripped of your wings

Your beauty. Your life.

….poor thing you are.

Vittorino.

Has it set in? Has hope fleeted ?

Tell me. You have the lungs to scream but not the mind to speak.

Try and use your words dear

…..

I can’t do this anymore

Stairs to the lords choir

They play music and chain smoke cigarettes while sipping wine and snack on the body of the lord

Out

OUT GET OUT

GET THE FUCK OUT. YOUR NOT HELPING AT ALL. JUST STOP STOP.

…

….

Your shaking :)