I’m tired of caring what others think
I care
Oh so deeply.
….and I don’t want to anymore
I can’t THINK proper anymore.
I just want to belive I am loved as much as someone tells me I am.
Because as so it seems IT CONTRADICTS IN ACTIONS.
I need to fix myself.
I’ve tried
I’ve failed I’ve done so again and now I am
THIS.
….. hideous.
I wish I could erase all that was.
Because it isint like that will
Fix things.
Nothing
It’s beyond repair like those mother Mary statues I used to make….i miss the sensation of the wet clay between the fabric of my gloves even if it was heavy.
The smell of the paints …the dust of her walls …the rot and roots of the basements
….. that mouse citrusy
Mossy smell of her walls I miss everyday.
….and HIM. Them…. Oh ….i love them
I’m not the man I used to be I feel as if obsession and death has clutched me oh so tightly.
There’s a cruel joke of mockery’s in here now
They don’t think
They stare
And they distort.
I feel I have to destroy them. I refuse to have any tarnished visions of people who I loved
