#penthos-altr

But I still care

Oh so much I care so much.

…..

I told her

I told her

I told her so

I wasn’t okay for her

She wants me so bad so what the FUCK am I doing?

She wants me.

She wants me but no one else does.

….what the fuck is that supposed to mean?

What if one day we meet.

And I’m

Just as stale as some say I am.

…..

I’m at almost a constant state of dissociation…I think.

Everything feels more intense

I’m minding my business one moment and then dad crashes in slamming the doors shut and cabinets and garbage cans and everything’s so much louder in my ears.

Am I too

Much?

Not enough

Not ME nuff

Cus baby I’ll tell ya it’s hard to tell who’s who when languages intercept one another.

….

I coulda said someone else was too much but it’s not as simple to leave as you think it’s planning…

It’s so much planning that my head can only endure so much.

….i WANT to leave.

Then again who am I talking to anyway it’s not like anyone’s looking at this mumbo jumbo of ribble rabble I can babble

You wouldn’t get it anyway.

No one would really

I’m confusing in and out because if god let me understood myself instead of just being a fucking SHELL of a person that has a cacophony of ‘me’ echoing off its own walls.

The. That’s the best thing I can put it for you.

I cry easily now. I cry for my dad who’s hurted me I cry for the death of my dog that I watched with my own two eyes after carrying him outside myself

I’m hardened and too soft at the same time

I’m too busy and too lazy

IM A WALKING CONTRADICTION BABE DEAL WITH IT AMD FUCK OFF jam that knife through my back and make sure the teeth pull on my skin like it’s supposed to.

Because nothing hurts more better then that.

…..I always loved their eyes their skin.

Truthfully.

I did.

Every part of me screams.

Intertwined so close together I couldn’t stand the thought of leaving anyone behind.

….

But I can be left alone.

…….

It’s pathetic how you’re still mad at this. It was an option to sever them. The connections. I was more than happy to oblige. Simple. No more hurting. No more crying and no more pain at the thought of what could’ve been but you decide to villainize me just like my ‘father’.

Lanky was doing his job at stabilizing us. It was like a weird nulling drug when he watched the door. But then you came along. And he left. He’s probably walking the halls now…tracing the doors with those big hands of his…. I miss the tall guy…

I miss

So many parts of me. You just… didn’t have to kill three of our most emphatic guys pen- I don’t think that’s right.

The quiet

The hand that bends you.

The hands that will break you.

And hold you.

Because it won’t matter how broken you are. They have the glue to mend it but not the skills to find how it’s rewired.

They don’t have that patience or intelligence.

The hands that break you.

Will sing to you they promise you to keep you safe.

But you break yourself after some time smash yourself into finer bits.

Bits that they don’t notice that don’t understand that they won’t understand

Because it’s easier to fix yourself than to let someone else try and fail to put it in the right place for it.

So what do you do then when you’re tired?. And no one wants to touch you because you’re ugly?.

.

You break them yourself.

You break them into miniscule peices. And only your hands can put it back together

And as sayings go

Do unto others as you would have done onto yourself.

As you do unto I

I do unto you.

An eye for an eye.