Tita in Wonderland

Dear Mami,

I miss you. It’s been so long since I’ve heard your voice and seen your face it almost scares me that I’m going to forget the sound or the way you look. Sure, I have pictures to remind me, that doesn’t mean anything compared to seeing you in person. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to get over the fact that you’re gone, and I’ve accepted that. I just hope and pray every day that you’re proud of me.

I’ve had some really hard times without you that I’ve cried out loud that I just wished you were here. I have those times in private, but sometimes in public. I’m so blessed to have had the time I had with you, but I’ll always believe you were taken from me way too soon. My best friend, my rock, my right hand, my person, my everything, just gone. They say time heals all wounds but not this one. This is an open wound that when prodded, just bleeds out for a long time. I’ve had a great support system to help me cope with your absence but it doesn’t matter. You’re still gone and I’m still sad about it.

I hope you know I love you. I love you with everything I’ve got and that I miss you more with every passing day. I hope you see everyone up in heaven and you brag about how proud you are of me. I wish you were here to see my accomplishments and see your beautiful smile just beam at me because you’re so happy for me. I don’t talk to many people about you because I have to talk in past tense and that brings on the sadness. When people hear that I’ve lost you they feel so sorry for me and they tell me how they can’t imagine going through what I have, but I nod and say it’s okay; that I’ve managed. The truth is, I barely have. I hope you know that I wish my life were different and that you were still here.

I yell at everyone who is unappreciative of their mothers. The ones who say they hate them or that they’re annoying, I get visibly angry at them and tell them how lucky they are to have them and to appreciate them before it’s too late. I envy everyone who still has their mother as well. Granted, I’ve has some wonderful women act as second mothers, but no one could replace you. Not ever.

I’ll always be your little girl and I hope you’re looking down at me, beaming with pride. Everything I do, I do it for you or with you in mind. No matter how much time goes on, I will always do things this way. Just remember, I love you more than I will ever love any person or anything in this world.

Love always and forever,