Bad Thoughts

Im just so tired of everything

I hate myself like ive never understood how people can hate themselves because ive alwaues been really ‘whatever’ and not really minded myself but im so tired of everything i do being wrong and its just ridiculous

She started talking about how when shes older abd elderly she wants to know that i’ll have someone to rely on and be with but I don’t want that and she doesnt ever stop talking about me getting with someone.

She starts talking about how ‘Someday i’ll find a boy who wants to play videogames as much as I do and who I can buy pokemon cards with all the time’ but I dont want to have that connection because I genuinely cannot force myself to feel that way about anyone.

I explained that to her and said “I have the same amount of attraction to boys and girls as you have to women, I dont have that romantic drive either.” And she just laughed at me.

I can feel how tired I am but I just can be bothered to go downstairs and eat something.

I didn’t sleep much last night, I’ve had a breakfast bar and two ice lollies this morning but I just can’t will myself to eat anything more. I feel kinda sick really.

I have a bad habit of thinking that I don’t need to eat at all until I’m dead by starvation, if I can move, talk, and think when I’m hungry why would I need to eat.

Just in a I am able and I can and I have access to tools and the means to create the outcome

I don’t want to die but it seems a lot easier than what I’ve got going on right now

I think it’ll get better, it usually does.

I will never be a person no matter how much I wish I was

Somethings fundamentally wrong with me and I wish I could fix it

I have an essay due today and it’s 3 am and I haven’t started

I’ve had two weeks to do it

My teachers really strict on homework and she already hates me for some reason

I told my mum I did all my homework

I have to get the bus really early

I want to turn my skin inside out so I never have to see anyone again

I would kill myself if I wasn’t so scared of it hurting

I want it to just all go away

No more school

Homework

People

Anything

I’m respectful I swear I am

Please listen to me

I am more than a child

I’ve held it in for my entire life because I feel guilty when I act upon my emotions.

Every time I’m angry it’s reduced to tears.

I want to kill

I want people to realise I’m serious when I say I think I have a problem with my anger