Exhiled Anghel

It’s been a long and dusty road, but it’s finally happened! You’ve met a great guy who - dare I say it out loud? - could possibly be The One™. But how do you know? Compatibility doesn’t exactly come with a banner in the sky, so most of us have to rely on gut instinct; we know the type of man we’re looking for, and we’re confident we’ll know him when we meet him. But it’s hard enough to find a compatible man in general, add to that a D/s or kink twist and things get extra tricky.

So, how do you know if he’s the dominant man for you?

1. You Can Be Yourself

You don’t have to be ‘on’ all the time. He embraces your weirdo habits and quirks, and he understands that sometimes a girl’s just gotta.

With a twist: You know you’re a reflection of him at all times, but part of why he loves you is, well, you! Your personality is not stifled, and though a certain degree of decorum might be called for (time and place, yo), he loves you just the way you are.

2. You Can Tell Him Anything

You don’t have to govern your thoughts or words with him. You can tell him anything that crosses your mind and you don’t feel judged.

With a twist: There might be times when you’re not allowed to speak, and broaching certain subjects could require a degree of reverence or ceremony (e.g., ‘Sir, may I speak to you regarding an issue?’). But the bottom line is he has your best interests in mind and will always want to hear the real you.

3. He Knows You

He knows your favorite color and how you take your coffee, that you hate cilantro and how you got that scar on your lip when you were six. You interest him, and he pays attention to the little things because the little things are what make you you.

With a twist: He’s taken the time to know the vanilla you, so you know you can trust him with your more vulnerable and deviant sides, as well. Even if you’re uncertain where things are headed, you know you can sit back and trust his direction.

4. He Listens

He doesn’t simply wait for his turn to talk, he listens to you. No false starts or interruptions, no glazed-over eyes staring past your head. He’s listening and you know it.

With a twist: The decision might ultimately be his, but you’ve found a man who actually hears you. Regardless of what he decides, you know in your bones that your thoughts and feelings are on the table and he’s taking them seriously.

5. You feel safe

He’s not going to hurt you and you know it all the way to your core.

With a twist: Sometimes he’s actually going to hurt you, but you’ve entered into this part of the relationship willing and wanting. And even though the pain - however that looks in your relationship - could be extreme, you know in your heart he’s not going to damage you.

6. You Don’t Worry About His Feelings For You

You just don’t. ‘Does he like me as much as I like him?’ and ‘He hasn’t texted all day, what does that mean?’ are questions from the ghost of dating past. This guy is as into you as you are him, and you know it. How do you know it? You just do. (Plus, he tells and shows you all the time, so there’s that.)

With a twist: Some dominant men strive to create an air of mystery around their feelings for you (”Gotta keep her on her toes…’), but this guy knows the best relationships - vanilla or kinky - are transparent.

7. You Enjoy Each Other’s Company

You enjoy spending time with him, both exciting times and downtime. Whether parasailing over the Caribbean or fighting for couch space during a Homeland marathon, you just like hanging with the guy.

With a twist: You like the same things and are on the same page when it comes to both your vanilla and D/s-related activities and desires. You have fun together no matter what you’re doing.

8. He Makes Things Happen

He takes care of his business and himself. He has a plan and he follows through to enrich his - and potentially your - life. He doesn’t sit back and wait for life to happen, he goes out and grabs it with both hands.

With a twist: He may simply serve as a consultant, or he might have full domain over your decisions and everyday life. But this is a guy who gets things done, and when you open yourself to his guidance he helps facilitate amazing and positive things.

9. The Sex is Good

Sex is giving, gratifying, and you’re excited to be together. You look forward to learning each other’s bodies and sex is never dull.

With a twist: Your kinks are his kinks (for the most part, anyway), and everything is okay! You know each other’s boundaries and are respectful of limits soft and hard. You know the sexual and power exchange world is vast, and you’re excited by all the territory there is to explore.

(Oh, and he goes down on you. A lot. Because it’s a very dominant thing to do and he knows that.)

10. Your Friends and Family Like Him

This isn’t necessarily a requirement, but these are people who likely know you well. If they’re happy with your pairing, the objective view is you two are a good fit.

With a twist: No one needs to know the details of your power exchange dynamic - or that it even exists. They might see nothing more than a confident respectful man - and a girl who loves and cares for him in a somewhat doting manner.

11. You Feel Good About Yourself When You’re Together

You’re happy and confident, and he makes you feel good about yourself. You’ve experienced people - exes and friends alike - who have dragged you down, but he is not that kind of man. He makes you truly believe you’re good.

With a twist: He encourages your confidence and feelings of self-worth. He knows that what you believe about yourself is your reality, what you will become. He wants nothing but the best for your psyche and morale, and his words and actions enhance your well-being.

12. He Includes You in His Life

He has his own hobbies and friends, but he includes you - often. You’re his person and he lets you, and everyone, know this in myriad ways. You’re in this together, and it shows.

With a twist: You’re not kept in a box; your relationship isn’t compartmentalized. You’re not an ornament that’s brought out only for play; you are part of each other’s lives - the pretty and the gritty.

13. He Respects You

You have a job or career, hobbies, and friends of your own. He embraces and encourages your autonomy, the things aside from him that make you who you are.

With a twist: In a D/s dynamic ‘self’ can be lost; he knows you’re an individual who is ultimately responsible for your own life, regardless of what you’ve agreed upon behind closed doors.

14. You Want to Live With Him

You’re a grown-ass woman and your roommate days are long behind you; but you really, really want to live with him. Damp towels on the floor? Oh, but what a small price to pay for waking up next to that man every day! And really, you spend practically every night together anyway, so…

With a twist: He wants to live with you too, and he understands and truly believes that you are an equal partner. While he’s the boss of whatever you agree upon, he knows that this is both your home and you’re building a life together.

15. He Keeps His Word

He says what he means and he means what he says. Promises are never broken because this is a man who would never promise something he can’t deliver. His word is gospel. 

With a twist: There is no twist. A dominant man is a man of his word. Full stop.

16. He Fights Fair

Everything can’t always be rosy, but your guy keeps his shit together and knows how to use his words. He might need some alone time to decompress or work out what he wants to say, but he’ll always let you know where things stand and what he needs to move forward in a healthy and respectful manner.

With a twist: This man doesn’t power-trip when you’re having a disagreement. He doesn’t play little boy mind games (e.g., silent treatment, isolation) or pull the ‘I AM YOUR D-TYPE MASTER DADDY, DO AS I SAY’ card simply because he’s angry or upset.

17. He Makes You Laugh Your Face Off

He’s funny as shit (and finds you hilarious)! Life ain’t always a zany affair, but when you laugh together, you laugh hard.

With a twist: Everything isn’t doom and gloom, even during your darkest and most deviant shenanigans. You might be fully encased in black latex with a barbed plug in your ass, but laughing while kneeling or smiling through tears will always have a place in your repertoire.

18. You’re Happy

Life is good! Bottom line? Your world is brighter with him in it.