welcome to my life

For the first time in a year I’ve felt alone again. Not lonely the way I felt when I was single but the type of alone that’s caused by someone you care about. I miss you but I think it’s better this way. I need time to process and apparently after our talk so do you. What i don’t understand is how this affects you the same way it affects me.

Days like today remind me of why I’m still sticking through this. I think I made the right decision. I just hope when I transfer and leave it doesn’t bite me in the ass. 

It’s weird how suddenly things can change. When I’m there it makes me actually feel things but when I’m away it’s like I’m a different person. The thoughts start to come back and I doubt you. I get attached when I’m there, I don’t care if you leave when I’m alone. What does that mean?

I’m extremely reserved with my emotions right now. To be clear, I don’t have very many expectations of where this will go, I think it’s the first time I’ve just been down for the ride. I don’t know how strongly I feel about you. What I do know for certain is that I’m glad I met you. You’re the first person I’ve ever met that I’ve been so inspired by.  I have a lot of respect for you and how far you’ve come as an individual. Our meeting has reignited my passion for life and has allowed me to set higher goals for myself. So no matter where this goes, I won’t regret it.   I wonder if I would’ve fallen for you hard if I met you 3 years ago. I have too much experience to be unconcerned with giving my heart away now. So much so that I wonder if I even have a heart anymore. 

I’m starting to wonder if this is getting in the way of my life or if its just another low I’m feeling at the moment. Since we met more and more of my friendships have fallen apart. I mean maybe those friendships aren’t the best example. A was strangely anal about certain things and now that it’s come to light he’s disappeared and it’s made me question the validity of our friendship to begin with. Was he just another dude trying to get at me, I thought our friendship meant more than that. I always knew he could get salty and petty about things but for him to cut me out of the group? wow. Didn’t expect that at all. I tried patching things up with him on Friday.  I put in effort to try and joke around and smooth things over. You were being difficult. The male ego is a fragile thing. 

lol I can tell I’ve been on your mind. Just like I said I’d be 

Why does this shit always happen. I’m so sorry.  I want to be there and help you through it but I feel like I might make it worse.