ev

the same feet I called ugly then carried me over sharp and slippery and corroded rocks and the same man I chose to cry to then asked to see my boobs. I am focusing on the negatives of the wrong things. 

when i taste vodka i think of him. Its titos and its him. Its him and its his voice and how he said my name. Its how he said my name and how he made me feel. Its how he made me feel and how he actually felt. Its how he actually felt and how it ended. Its how it ended and i miss him

I love to sit in bed all the time and do notbing. Sometimes if im feeling adventurous i do nothing not in a bed

guilt crawls like bugs on my skin

you bring up his name like its funny but i relapsed when we stopped speaking

is it possible to ever be labeled good after doing something bad?

My bathroom is being renovated and now i need to use my parents’ bathroom. My brother also uses it, he always has. I moved out of it sometime in middle school. All their things are there, the counter is full. The shelf is full and the counter is full and i place my 5 items on the counter and try not to take up space. My toothbrush lays awkwardly and tries to look normal and be small and fit in but it doesnt. I squeeze my body wash onto the shelf, there is barely room. I am invading this shared space. I am invading on my family with my soaps.

I wonder id he wishes it didnt end I wonder if it will be my wedding day and i will have no choice but to call him to make sure he didnt change his mind  I wonder how many other girls he said that to and how many he will say that to in the future I wonder if it was appropriate or if he is in fact a terrible perso I wonder if he still looks at me and thinks i look amazing and beautiful or if he ever thought that at all I wonder if he cares or regrets what he did i wonder if he regrets it selfishly or morally I wonder why he hasnt unfollowed me I wonder if he thinks of me  throughout the day I want to get drunk about it but im scared i will just end up texting him again I want to ask him and bring him back and fix it i want to kill him and kill myself so he will think of me I wonder if he ever told me the truth or everlistened I wonder if he will someday come back and itll work that time I wonder what he would have said aboht my day today i would do almost anything ro hesr him say my name again but sometimes i wonder if i even knew his real name I wonder what he would say if someone else had done this to me I wonder if he ever cared at all or was only bored

I sit on the shower floor, fetal position. I am perpendicular to the shape of the shower, so i am compressed. My spine is pressed against the wall, almost painfully. I lift my head from atop my knees to feel the water on my face. It is so hot that i allow myself a slow gasp- similar to that of an orgasm. I am 16 and i am sitting on the floor of my shower.