congratulations jensen ackles on your PCA! 

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As you can probably tell, this blog has been neglected.

It’s a mess. The tagging system is gone and it goes months without being updated. I probably don’t have to make this post, but for my own sake I’m going to.

I joined the supernatural fandom, and created this blog, in the beginning of 2011. I intended to dedicate this blog to Castiel, and sometimes- Destiel. When I became obsessed with the show I was a teenager, I was in a bad place mentally and Supernatural became my escape. 

Misha Collins really did save my life, and I know that’s the case for a lot of people. 

For a long time, Supernatural was what kept me going. The characters were what inspired me, and I spent my spare time paying attention to cons and panels- feelings as if the actors were my family. My friends.

The supernatural fandom was family to me. 

I met people that I’m still friends with through GISHWHES and shipping and fanfiction and discussions and art, but most people I have no idea what happened to. Because at some point, it ended. My interest in Supernatural fueled an understanding for LGBTQ+ representation, POC representation, sexism and queer-baiting in the media. Which, evidently, turned out to be the “downfall” of my supernatural obsession.

Because the show turned bad. 11 seasons. Just taste those words for a second. It feels wrong, draining. 

I loved, and still love, the characters. The actors. The panels- but I’m not who I was before. 

I’m an adult now. I joined the spn fandom as a depressed kid, and now I’m an adult. I have recovered from an eating disorder and I’m applying to film schools next year. And I’m in another fandom now (or maybe I should say, phandom?), but I’m not as invested as I was in SPN. and I probably never will be with anything ever again- Because it was unhealthy.

It was totally unhealthy. Supernatural was my life. It was my life. And God, we were so passionate. We were so fucking passionate about it. The live-blogging, the panel-blogging, I’m sitting here crying thinking about it- Because I still care. I’m just not hooked. But I still care, and it hurts.

Maybe it’s still like that for a lot of people (it probably is). I don’t mean to sit on a high horse and look down on the current fandom- It’s so great that some of you are still here, and it’s so great that you new people aren’t put off and bitter like a lot of the old fandom is. Like I find myself being, sometimes. 

But fuck, shit. 

I’m sitting here crying. I have been obsessed with many television shows, but nothing has been home to me like SPN has been 

and yet, I feel as though it’s like an old, abusive partner. 

 the show itself I can’t deal with, I don’t have time to deal with- the conventions I once counted down to are flying past me. 

It hurts, because I still find myself reading fanfiction, stalking Misha’s twitter, rewatching season 5 

But not every day. And not every week. And I’m not deleting my blog. I’m not. I still lurk sometimes. Misha is still my favorite person on earth. I’m keeping my old, cringy ass-url and I’m not deleting all of my posts.

But I have to do this. I had to write this. Because Supernatural was my home. 

My pictures from PasCon 2015!!  

I went as a vendor and didn’t plan for any pictures!  The vendor next to me gave me a Rob photo op at the last minute!  I had to run to get there and I almost missed it!  I told him we had to try to make my friend Susan jealous (she’s SUCH a Rob fangirl… but I mean, how can you NOT be?) so he stammered and said he could kiss my cheek, then tugged my arm to pull me down short enough for the kiss.  I had God slobber on my cheek!!  LOL

As you can probably tell, this blog has been neglected.

It’s a mess. The tagging system is gone and it goes months without being updated. I probably don’t have to make this post, but for my own sake I’m going to.

I joined the supernatural fandom, and created this blog, in the beginning of 2011. I intended to dedicate this blog to Castiel, and sometimes- Destiel. When I became obsessed with the show I was a teenager, I was in a bad place mentally and Supernatural became my escape. 

Misha Collins really did save my life, and I know that’s the case for a lot of people. 

For a long time, Supernatural was what kept me going. The characters were what inspired me, and I spent my spare time paying attention to cons and panels- feelings as if the actors were my family. My friends.

The supernatural fandom was family to me. 

I met people that I’m still friends with through GISHWHES and shipping and fanfiction and discussions and art, but most people I have no idea what happened to. Because at some point, it ended. My interest in Supernatural fueled an understanding for LGBTQ+ representation, POC representation, sexism and queer-baiting in the media. Which, evidently, turned out to be the “downfall” of my supernatural obsession.

Because the show turned bad. 11 seasons. Just taste those words for a second. It feels wrong, draining. 

I loved, and still love, the characters. The actors. The panels- but I’m not who I was before. 

I’m an adult now. I joined the spn fandom as a depressed kid, and now I’m an adult. I have recovered from an eating disorder and I’m applying to film schools next year. And I’m in another fandom now (or maybe I should say, phandom?), but I’m not as invested as I was in SPN. and I probably never will be with anything ever again- Because it was unhealthy.

It was totally unhealthy. Supernatural was my life. It was my life. And God, we were so passionate. We were so fucking passionate about it. The live-blogging, the panel-blogging, I’m sitting here crying thinking about it- Because I still care. I’m just not hooked. But I still care, and it hurts.

Maybe it’s still like that for a lot of people (it probably is). I don’t mean to sit on a high horse and look down on the current fandom- It’s so great that some of you are still here, and it’s so great that you new people aren’t put off and bitter like a lot of the old fandom is. Like I find myself being, sometimes. 

But fuck, shit. 

I’m sitting here crying. I have been obsessed with many television shows, but nothing has been home to me like SPN has been 

and yet, I feel as though it’s like an old, abusive partner. 

 the show itself I can’t deal with, I don’t have time to deal with- the conventions I once counted down to are flying past me. 

It hurts, because I still find myself reading fanfiction, stalking Misha’s twitter, rewatching season 5 

But not every day. And not every week. And I’m not deleting my blog. I’m not. I still lurk sometimes. Misha is still my favorite person on earth. I’m keeping my old, cringy ass-url and I’m not deleting all of my posts.

But I have to do this. I had to write this. Because Supernatural was my home.