oh death

❛  i have been repeatedly spooned by this man.  ❜ ❛  what i discovered is that i bleed…  &  then i heal.  ❜ ❛  he had a dream vomit.  ❜ ❛  I’VE BEEN SHREKED  !!  ❜ ❛  i am a modest princess.  ❜ ❛  whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat  !!  ❜ ❛  bikers wanna do more than kiss.  ❜ ❛  hey…  hey girl…  hey.  hey girl…  i like your boots.  ❜ ❛  laughter is like farting out of your mouth.  ❜ ❛  i sleep with reckless abandon  !!  ❜ ❛  just call me sugar daddy.  ❜ ❛  soft tacos are wannabe burritos.  ❜ ❛  i’m gonna be a rapper,  i’m gonna call myself ritz cracker  !!  ❜ ❛  it’s made from the muffin tops of men.  ❜ ❛  my cheeks are sweating…  all four of them.  ❜ ❛  the fastest way to a woman’s heart is through a worm’s anus.  ❜ ❛  dare me to eat the anus  ??  ❜ ❛  i could,  at any point,  share something inappropriate.  that’s part of who i am  &  i embrace it  &  constantly battle with it.  ❜ ❛  embrace the taste.  ❜ ❛  when in doubt,  whip chocolate out.  ❜ ❛  question:  how do you eat a fart  ??  ❜ ❛  when in doubt,  choose humping.  ❜ ❛  everybody wins a goat.  it’s like oprah,  except it’s goats.  ❜ ❛  cheese pizza is for kids  &  sad people.  ❜ ❛  do you wake up with melted booty dents  ??  ❜ ❛  you gotta cross a few lines to get to the circle.  ❜ ❛  uneven sideburns are off fleek.  ❜ ❛  paint me like your french fries,  jack.  ❜ ❛  elbow points are a sign of intelligence.  ❜ ❛  you show you mine,  i’ll show you yours.  ❜ ❛  these have been boiled for safety.  ❜ ❛  i was an anxious child.  i felt safest on the couch.  ❜ ❛  you heard of that band  ‘ vomit launch ’  ??  i heard they’re coming into town in a few minutes.  ❜ ❛  we’re eating the stars.  everything is stars  &  that makes everything okay.  ❜ ❛  we are living in an instant world  &  i am an instant girl.  ❜ ❛  let’s talk about that  !!  ❜ ❛  i don’t want to  ‘ lady  &  the tramp ’  with you  !!  ❜ ❛  now don’t go with too much gusto or you’ll pop through.  ❜ ❛  you can do it,  serpent king  !!  ❜ ❛  volcano boarding is real.  ❜ ❛  nachos are for sharing.  ❜ ❛  what the–  what the crap  ?!  ❜ ❛  which type of poop do you want to make  ??  ❜ ❛  are you harboring a bad relationship under your left butt-cheek  ??  ❜ ❛  she’s not gonna go to pittsburgh with me to open the put-put palace with me.  ❜ ❛  bubbles are the answer.  ❜ ❛  today we master the art of the contour.  ❜ ❛  this is like the first thing people see see when they arrive in hell.  ❜ ❛  i want you to glow,  man.  i want to be the glow boys.  ❜ ❛  i could be a bird.  that’s what i’ve learned.  ❜ ❛  when it comes to turkey,  i am a breast man.  but when it comes to humans,  i am a wing-man.  ❜ ❛  me  &  my sports bra dance amongst the windmills.  ❜ ❛  there’s no real crotch under here.  ❜ ❛  i think they’re just making sarcastic remarks directly into each other’s mouths.  ❜ ❛  there are moments when you really frighten me  &  i question why you’re my best friend.  ❜ ❛  answer the question  !!  what color are your nipples !?! ❜ ❛  i’m on top of you  !!  ha-ha !!  i’ve got you right where i want you  &  that’s under me  !! ❜ ❛  my rectum is so tight.  ❜ ❛  i’ll be caressing your dinosaur fossil on a regular basis,  if you’re okay with that.  ❜ ❛  a cookie solves a world of problems.  ❜ ❛  this has got to stop.  this,  us eating  &  drinking gross stuff,  has got to stop.  ❜ ❛  you’re the mouth king  !!  you’re the mouth king  &  nobody knew it until today.  ❜ ❛  you need me  &  i need you.  we need each other at certain points in our lives, that aren’t the same times.  ❜ ❛  when you serene really hard you start chillin’.  ❜ ❛  let’s touch our sword tips.  ❜ ❛  everybody’s got a butthole,  but i got two.  ❜ ❛  go to bed.  don’t pee on your ritz crackers.  ❜ ❛  the sun is always shining on a unicow that’s milking itself.  ❜ ❛  i’m always thinking about women in corsets  &  i’m always thinking about getting my piercings snagged.  ❜ ❛  before i apply my face,  i like to mist myself with a light film of my signature scent,  febreze.  ❜ ❛  i always say nothing livens up a party than a pair of chaps.  ❜ ❛  ever pooped out an engagement ring  ??  ❜ ❛  there are also professional butt slappers.  ❜ ❛  lotta foreskin going around these days.  ❜ ❛  i don’t know if you can feel how hard i’m breathing,  but that’s the sound of winning.  ❜ ❛  hey,  i’m a bird of paradise.  ❜ ❛  i might say stupid things,  but at least i know they were stupid.  ❜ ❛  you began to thrust your pelvis out to meet the bat.  ❜ ❛  you seem to be getting a little too much of a thrill out of beating the crap out of me.  ❜ ❛  there’s nothing like the feeling that your balls are impervious.  ❜ ❛  i’d like to see the root of that sternum.  ❜ ❛  he must look  &  feel amazing.  ❜ ❛  oh gosh,  i can’t look away.  ❜ ❛  you’ve never worn panties before,  huh  ??  ❜ ❛  kids,  this is how you make a baby…  first,  you get a belly bongo.  ❜ ❛  i think it’s gonna become clear as i take my clothes off what i am.  ❜

FOR ANGST: ~~~~~~~~~~ Doubt Loneliness Bitter Anger Frustration Doleful Homesick Grieving Mourning Troubled Heavy Hearted Downcast Envious Heartbroken Lost Pessimistic Weeping Dreary Despairing Heartsick

Give some reasons why, too!

❝ Is that a threat ? ❞  ❝ These lips are sealed . ❞ ❝ It is better to be feared than loved .❞  ❝ I’ve seen the way you look at ___ , okay ? You’re not foolin’ me .❞ ❝ You’re not as bad as everyone says you are . ❞ ❝ Anyone ever tell you you got a big fuckin’ mouth ? ❞ ❝ Whatever . I’m too out of it to get into it . ❞ ❝ We all have our parts to play . ❞ ❝ You can’t change the past . ❞ ❝ ____ , I’m gonna break your fucking face . ❞ ❝ I’ve heard stories about you . ❞ ❝ In some tiny little bottled up way , deep inside … you kind of enjoy it when things go wrong . ( Because it gives you an excuse to just … stop pretending ) . ❞ ❝ Life is easier with friends . ❞ ❝ Well I’d appreciate it if you’d fuck off . ❞ ❝ But no , hate’s the wrong word . They fear you more than anything . ❞ ❝ I know you like this whole ’ lone wolf ’ thing you got going for yourself . ❞ ❝ I wish I could have seen it. ❞ ❝ I’ll see you around . ❞ ❝ You almost looked peaceful . Except you’re lying in a dirty alley . ❞ ❝ Just … try not to be like ( yourself ) … ❞ ❝ Pardon the intrusion . I wasn’t aware this was a munchkin’s house .❞ ❝ I didn’t realize you were the bitch of the bitch . ❞ ❝ Hey , what are your plans now ? ❞ ❝ I’m not yours to lose ! ❞ ❝ Blah blah … blah blah blah . ❞ ❝ Are you saying you need a friend right now ? You can trust me . ❞ ❝ People are scared of you . I mean , look at your hands . ❞ ❝ You looked like when you take an action figure and bend it’s limbs the wrong way . ❞ ❝ But at the end of the day I’m still the bad guy . ❞ ❝ Everything used to be so simple … we had a beginning , a middle , & an end . ❞ ❝ When we suffer , we do it in silence . ❞ ❝ You should worry about your own fucking situation . ❞ ❝ I’ve made mistakes . ❞ ❝ You do what you want … you always do what you want . ❞ ❝ I’m glad you’re not dead . ❞ ❝ We need to do things the right way ! ❞ ❝ You’ll pray to any god who’ll listen that your mother never shit you into this fucking world .❞ ❝ Wait a minute … someone’s watching . ❞ ❝ I know it’s dangerous , but I’m not helpless . I can take care of myself . ❞ ❝ Not now , not now , shhhh , the grown ups are talking. . ❞ ❝ Out of my way ! I’ll show you how it’s done ! ❞ ❝ Do you want the Big Bad Wolf to take you away ? ❞ ❝ That was about 8 on the asshole scale … ❞ ❝ Cut the bullshit & quit wasting my time . ❞ ❝ This was really the wrong day to try & pull this shit ! ❞ ❝ You’re a monster ! A fucking monster ! ❞ ❝ You understand wanting to protect what you care about , don’t you ? You’d do anything . ❞ 

❝ Could we not base our decisions on what does and doesn’t happen in episodes of Scooby-Doo? ❞ ❝ Look at me, psychological damage up to here! ❞ ❝ I have contained my rage for as long as possible, but I shall unleash my fury upon you like the crashing of a thousand waves! ❞ ❝ Am I gay for God? You betcha. ❞ ❝ Be gone, vile man! Be gone from me! ❞ ❝ Well first of all, through God all things are possible, so jot that down. ❞ ❝ Yeah, but we didn’t come here to play with  stray dogs and trash, man. ❞ ❝ Oh, get a job? Just get a job? Why don’t I strap on my job helmet and squeeze into a job cannon and fire off into job land where jobs grow on jobbies?! ❞ ❝ I’m eating because I’m very uncomfortable. ❞ ❝ I’m gonna have a really hard time if we’re both cannibals and racists. ❞ ❝ I dropped my monster condom that I use for my magnum dong. ❞ ❝ Everybody’s dying, bitch. Let’s get you some fruit. ❞ ❝ When I’m dead, just throw me in the trash. ❞ ❝ I will smack your face off of your face! ❞ ❝ Take care of yourself… or whatever people say. ❞ ❝ We all have cats we’d like to be playing with right now. ❞ ❝ I will eat your babies, bitch! ❞ ❝ I’m relaxing, I’m getting blackout drunk, and you’re leaving me alone. ❞ ❝ Later, boners! ❞ ❝ Do not call these shorts white trash! ❞ ❝ If some old boner gives me attitude, I’m gonna spit in his face. ❞ ❝ I eat stickers all the time, dude! ❞ ❝ I’ve got the stride of a gazelle. A beautiful, beautiful gazelle person. ❞ ❝ You know, you light one bitch on fire and everyone freaks out! ❞ ❝ Cats do not abide by the laws of nature, you don’t know shit about cats. ❞ ❝ If you don’t have car insurance, you better have dental, because I am going to smash your teeth into dust! ❞ ❝ I can go from flaccid to erect in a moment’s notice. ❞ ❝ I mean, trees? Everywhere trees?! What the hell is this place? ❞ ❝ I’ll tell you what’s not cool: crashing my car into a building, exploding a grenade inside of it, and then convincing your friends and family that you’re dead! ❞ ❝ Oh my God! She just ate an entire sleeve of Chips Ahoy! ❞ ❝ Hello fellow American, this you should vote me. I leave power. Good. Thank you, thank you. If you vote me, I’m hot. Taxes, they’ll be lower… son. The democratic vote is the right thing to do, so do. ❞ ❝ I stepped in front of a bus and it missed me. I can’t even get a bus to hit on me. ❞ ❝ I’m having feelings again, like some kind of fourteen year old kid or something. ❞ ❝ I don’t think these dogs have masters, I think they play by their own rules. ❞ ❝ I have a bleached asshole! ❞ ❝ With real power comes real responsibility and I don’t want to do any of that shit. I just want the money… and the illusion of power. ❞

this has been a psa. 

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