Thonnir, the worst companion in Skyrim
I was forced to drag him along with me after he decided that the two of us were going to kill a master vampire. Thonnir wanted to kill that master vampire because he helped turn most of Thonnirās village into vampires. Thonnirās dumb wife got bitten by a vampire then burned down a house and killed another dudeās wife and kid. Then his dumb wife tried to kill me, and since you canāt stop and talk things out with a vampire, I bonked her over the head with my mace and killed her. Then I took all her stuff, ācause hey, this dead vampireās got stuff on her! Thanks for the new robe, ya vampire!
Anyway, Thonnir insisted we travel together, so my normal companion, Lydia, went home to wherever the hell she goes, and I quickly found out that Thonnir is the shittiest companion to ever exist. We went into that master vampireās lair and I kept getting my ass kicked, and Thonnir could only take a few hits before he got on one knee and started crying like a little baby, so I ran away to try other quests and get stronger.
I figured when I fled the vampireās lair that Thonnir would just stay outside it and wait for me to come back, right? I could go and get Lydia back, level up, then come back later and kill that vampire with stupid Thonnir. Only he didnāt stay at that lair. Thonnir was my new travel buddy, and there was no way to tell him to go away forever. And it got worse.
Hereās how a normal companion behaves:
Your companion can carry your extra stuff.
You can issue instructions to your companion (e.g. āWait here,ā āAttack that person,ā etc.).
You can hurt your companion and they wonāt attack you back.
Your companion will only die if you deliver the killing blow.
Your companion will always find you eventually, even if you lose them.Ā
Turns out, Thonnirās not a full companion. His partnership with you follows a similar format, but heās more of a throwaway character, so Iām assuming the game developers just didnāt give him the same rules.
Hereās how Thonnir the Stupid Asshole behaved:
Thonnir wouldnāt carry my extra stuff.
Thonnir would start attacking me if I accidentally hit him.
Accidentally attacking Thonnir would also put a bounty on my head, so the next time I went to his hometown, Iād be chased by guards.
Thonnir could never die. If he attacked me and I attacked him until his health hit zero, heād fall to one knee until his health came back, then heād start attacking me again.
Once Thonnir decided he wanted to kill me, the only way to get him to stop was to ditch him. Heād come back eventually just like other companions would, and when he returned his aggression would be gone. Maybe itās because heād had time to think about how stupid he is.
Thonnir would never go away. I could injure him and leave him for dead, but heād just come right back.
Over the next few quests, weād be okay for a while, but then Iād hit an enemy with a fireball and heād be close enough to take a little splash damage, then suddenly that big doofus would start swinging at me instead of the bad guys and Iād have to take him down. Then Iād move on without him while his health recharged, then a few seconds later heād come right back and try to kill me. He was the the Robin to my Batman, if Robin was an immortal, aggressive moron with an axe and Batman hated him.
Most NPCs (non-player characters, to those of you non-nerds) tend to say a few pre-set things every once in a while. āHow ābout this war weāre having?ā āI like/dislike my village.ā āI am a farmer.ā And so on. Itās a way to keep the most minor characters at least somewhatĀ lifelike. It makes sense. If youāre designing an expansive virtual world, you donāt want to fill it with a bunch of mute laborers.
So, being a minor NPC himself, Thonnir had a few canned phrases heād repeat at random intervals. You know what his favorite topic for idle chitchat was? His dead wife. Specifically, how hard it was going to be to raise his son without her. What a fun guy! Weād be sneaking through a fortress of bandits together, and Iād be watching for enemies or traps when heād blurt out, āMY WIFE IS DEAD.ā
To make matters worse, I killed his wife, which just makes him a passive-aggressive jerk. I get it, dude! You donāt have a wife anymore! Maybe she ran away and became a vampire because youāre whiny and you suck at fighting? Youāre the worst.
Eventually we went back to that vampireās lair and finished the job that bound us. We killed that jerk vampire at his own dinner table, actually. It was awkward. And whyād he have a dinner table? Doesnāt he eat blood to survive? Whyād he have so much cheese? I hope he was actually a vampire and not just a pale guy in a bathrobe.
Anyway, after we killed the master vampire (and/or possible computer programmer) Thonnir thanked me and went home. I reunited with Lydia, my non-shitty companion from before. I havenāt seen Thonnir since, but one time I was in his town for whatever reason and I walked past his house. I was tempted to steal everything he had and then fill his house with brooms and other garbage. Heād just be this stupid video game character with a house filled with brooms, and Iād hate him.