Towa of tumblr

Hello, im Tîaňshi.

Massive tw:

Sh, su1cid@l stuff, gr00ming, trauma, abu$e, bad phys1cal tra@uma, mental 1lln3ss, s3lf de$truction, mas0chism.

The themes of this blog will be d@rk. So massive tw.

This is an overview of my life to start this blog, and my life hasn't been particularly great.

I will not be sharing much about myself personally for identity protection.

As a child, I grew up normally. For about 3 years, then I started showing signs of being "different". In all my years of living, I have never felt a single true connection to anyone. Nobody. Not my mother, not my father, not a partner, not a friend, im truly alone and I believe I always will be.

I like to describe this as a bubble around me, a block from the entire world. people can get close to the bubble, but whatever they say they'll always be outside the bubble.

When I was about 6, when I got overwhelmed I started biting and hur+ing myself over small inconveniences, my parents found out and got me a child psychologist.

I believe i was s@'d as a child (from some fractured memories) but due to trauma, I have forgot most of my childhood leading up to age 12. Im not gonna go into the things that happened to me as a young child, it will be unreadable as everything is messed up in my head.

When i was 12, I had a friend who told me she sh and hur+ herself, I was curious and asked her how, she told me with a sharpener bl@de, so I went home and did it myself. From then on, everytime i was upset or overwhelmed, I €ut my$elf.

I started having other thoughts in my head too, I thought about ending it very often, hurting other people who hurt me — i got bullied in school for being different — and overall, my head was plagued with a congenital sickness that only got worse with time and collecting burden.

At age 13, I got into a petty argument with a person from my school, after that they did something that changed my life and my mental forever. They followed me between classes, wrestled me to the floor and tortured me with bl0ws to my h3ad and kicks for a long time. By the end, I was too weak to move, and shaking, bl33ding. After that, I couldn't even process the amount of pain my body had been put through. I went to the hospital and they checked my head over, it was badly damaged. But afterwards, I kept feeling the welts and bruises on my body, it no longer felt like pain, it felt almost pleasurable.

I believe that the trauma of that incident drove me to the point I now enjoy pain. I crave pain, that is why I often get myself into dangerous situations to satisfy the craving for pain.

Due to my declining mental health, I was took out of education for almost a year and disallowed to contact anyone in fear of me hurting them or myself. I'm still adjusting to society after being isolated for that long to this day,

I shortly after got into a relationship, and the man in this relationship psychologically abu$ed me for 2 years and threatened me with physical and s3xu@l abu$e.

I also was gr00med on 3 separate occasions in my teenage years.

Now, im going to speak about my current self.

I often hur+ myself because I enjoy the pain, and because my brain is dependant on the validation of the mental pain being physically inflicted so it finally feels real.

I live in a constant switch between euphoric/manic and depressive episodes, at the moment I am in a depressive episode.

I am an artist, I enjoy visual novels, writing, chain smoking, nitro chiral games, especially slow damage (i played it in 2023 and have been a fan since) and vkei music and visuals.

I will post further about my life and feelings, so follow me if you'd like to hear about that, thank you. ♡