eeeeemily

finch: let’s obtain the baguette!

romeo: let’s acquire that ciabatta!

albert: let’s gain that grain!

*whispers* good ol’ canniblism.

wHAt Do YOu MeAN we arEN’t buRiNG ViRGins!!! That was the only reason I was going to come over.

I have a very strong yearning to go throw myself into a whirlpool while skinny dipping.

You know what I want? I want to be taxidermyed and then put on the front of the ship like where it’s all carved in and it looks like a mermaid, except it’s just a dead body, AND I’ll get to sail the ocean so that’s nice.

No I don’t know who that is. Why would you ask me that? I don’t know half the people in this school nor do I ever want to get to know them.

Can we watch paint mixing videos before class starts?

I’m glad I’m back at school so I can tell all my depressing jokes because my parents were getting really concerned over the summer when I would share them. But it was only because I had nobody else to tell. Pretty sure they think I want to die. Which I mean…… Yes I do, but like not that much.

LOOK I got a tiny skateboard!!!

*making weird sexual noises with their mouth towards their friend(s) bc they are doing their mating call*

I ate like a whole bag of pepperoni yesterday and that was the only thing I ate all day

I’m like 95% fat so I’ll definitely survive the zombie apocalypse where as your skinny ass’s will be dead in a week. TAKE THAT VICTORIA SECREST FASHION MODELS YOUR CATWALK ISN’T GONNA SAVE YOU NOW.

*playing with a unicorn squishy during class and building it obstacle courses while giggling quietly*

I just try to be nice to everybody so if one day somebody decides to shoot up our school maybe they’ll spare me.

I wonder what people were thinking back then like “OOoOoo yeah let me just slit a nice little gash in your throat and let you bleed into a pan until you pass out. Let’s hope this will work lmao.”

If the zombie apocalypse ever happens I’m just killing myself. Like nah fam I don’t want to live that way.

If wish we could have a film crew at our school because I’d be rich.

I’ve had people look me straight in the eyes while they knock over a perfectly folded stack of shirts off a table so they could put down their Starbucks cup. People leave food, drinks, diapers, used pads and bandages, even one time an actual syringe on tables.

I’ve had people destroy entire displays and complain about how dirty and “why don’t employees respect their own store” while I was directly next to them frantically trying to fix what they, themselves, just messed up.

This shit is so ingrained in me now that I fixed displays while on vacation in Disney World for a full half hour.

CHRIS HEMSWORTH IS A FREAKING GEM.

DYE DOES NOT KILL YOUR HAIR. I DON’T KNOW HOW MANY TIMES I CAN TELL PEOPLE THIS. BLEACH. BLEACH KILLS YOUR HAIR.

with that being said, it’s relatively easy to repair your hair. DO YOU KNOW HOW EASY?! WELL IMMA TELL YOU.

BUY ALMOST ANY GODDAMN CONDITIONER. 3 MINUTE DEEP CONDITIONERS WORK BEST BUT STILL. 3 DOLLAR WALMART STUFF WILL DO YOU A WHOLE FRACKING WORLD OF GOOD. YOU SLATHER YOUR HEAD IN THAT SHIT AND LEAVE IT ON FOR A HALF HOUR. TADA MOTHERFUCKER. TA-FUCKING-DA. YOUR HAIR IS GONNA FEEL SO MUCH BETTER.

YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE WORKS? NOT WASHING YOUR GODDAMN HAIR EVERY DAY LIKE A LUNATIC. THAT’S BAD FOR YOUR HAIR. AFTER BLEACHING YOU SHOULD WAIT TO WASH IT FOR AS LONG AS YOU CAN STAND. DO YOU KNOW WHY? BECAUSE THE NATURAL OILS REPAIR HAIR BETTER THAN ANYTHING YOU CAN BUY AND YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE? IT’S FUCKING FREEEEEEEEEEEE.

NOW, THE THIRD WAY TO MAKE YOUR GOD DAMN GLORIOUS HAIR LOOK NICE AFTER BLEACHING IS TO TRIM OFF THE MOTHERFUDGIN’ DEAD ENDS. YOU SHOULD ALWAYS CLIP DEAD ENDS ANYWAYS.

THE DYE DOESN’T DAMAGE YOUR HAIR. IN FACT, IT CONDITIONS A LITTLE BIT. ESPECIALLY VEGETABLE BASED DYES LIKE MANIC PANIC AND STUFF. BASICALLY ALL THE FUN COLORS. PLEASE STOP TELLING PEOPLE WITH DYED HAIR THAT IT’S GONNA TURN TO SHIT. WE KNOW. WE ALSO KNOW HOW TO AVOID IT BECAUSE WE’RE NOT AS IGNORANT AS YOU WERE AT THE BEGINNING OF THIS POST. 

NOW YOU MIGHT ALSO BE THINKING “FINE BUT THIS BITCH DON’T KNOW SHIT”

WRONG MOTHERFUCKER. I FINISHED ALL MY APPRENTICE HOURS TO BECOME A HAIRDRESSER BEFORE QUITTING. MY HAIR HAS BEEN EVER COLOR OF THE FUCKING RAINBOW AND THEN SOME. PERSONAL EXPERIENCE MY FRIEND. MY HAIR IS STILL SOFTER THAN A FUCKING KITTEN.

I HAD MY HAIR BRIGHT-FUCKING-RED FOR A WHILE, AND I GOT CONSTANT REMARKS ABOUT HOW THE COLOR WILL MAKE MY HAIR SHITTY. 

STRANGERS NEED TO CALM THE FUCK DOWN AND EDUCATE THEIR ASSES!

I DON’T EVEN FUCKING USE SHAMPOO - JUST A DOCTORED UP CONDITIONER! LIKE THE BADASS UP THERE SAID, LEAVING CONDITIONER IN YOUR HAIR MAKES IT SO DAMN SOFT ITS RIDICULOUS. 

SHAMPOO ALSO THROWS THE PH OF YOUR HAIR OFF! YOUR SCALP IS SUPPOSED TO BE MILDLY ACIDIC, AND THOSE DETERGENTS STRIP OFF THE REPAIRING OILS *AND* MAKES IT BASIC! 

YOU DON’T WANT BASIC-ASS HAIR! 

SO I TOSS A FEW TABLESPOONS OF LEMON JUICE INTO MY CONDITIONER BOTTLE, SHAKE IT UP, SLATHER SOME ON MY HEAD, WASH THE REST OF MY GORGEOUS BODY WHILE THAT SHIT SOAKS IN, THEN RINSE LIKE A BOSS. 

WORRIED ABOUT NOT BEING ‘CLEAN?’ FORGET IT! CONDITIONER + LEMON JUICE WORKS JUST AS WELL, LIFTING DIRT AND SWEATY SKIN CELLS OUT OF YOUR GLORIOUS MANE. 

NO NEED FOR EXPENSIVE SHAMPOOS OR SALON CONDITIONER - THE 3-DOLLAR ‘SUAVE’ OR WHATEVER GENERIC-ASS CONDITIONER YOU WANT WILL WORK JUST AS WELL! (actually, the cheaper the better - cheap conditioners tend not to have silicones added, which weighs your hair down, and needs strong detergents to strip out, continuing the cycle of expensive products.)

SO YEAH! CANDY COLORED DYE + CHEAP CONDITIONER + LEMON JUICE - SHAMPOO = GLORIOUS, PUPPY-SOFT HAIR AND LESS DANDRUFF FROM AN UNHAPPY SCALP! 

*I also add two drops of mint and rosemary essential oils to my shampoo, along with the lemon juice. Those oils repel ticks/fleas/lice AND smell magical together*

Peter: Oh same