Eros: Random Affairs...

It has been a few months since I’ve saw the Broadway Show If/Then, but it got me thinking about the storyline of a person living side by side two different lives based on the decision one would have made, but did not. I thought it was quite interesting as we sometimes think what would have happened if I had not made that decision or if I would have done something differently. Anyway, this is not a review of the Broadway Show, but I thought of the many decisions that I have made in my life and whether I regret them or not or if had the chance to go back would I change them. Many times we hear can’t live in the past must think of the future and it get confusing because the decisions I will make in the future are based on the ones I made on the past; who would want the same bad things to happen again or maybe is not about bad things; maybe I want to same that I had before because it what would make me happy.

I personally like not to regret any decisions as I have always move forward with my life and rarely looking back, but there are times when reflecting thoughts comes to my mind and just make me wonder.

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I'm on a third day of a seven days cleansing and detoxing, and I'm not sure how I got here except that it has been a very interesting ride  past since my last post.  Many exciting things happened and more on the way.  In many ways, it has been time of cleaning, new beginnings and setting the tone for the future.

Last year goals were to find a new job and to finally become an American citizen.  The job didn't quiet happened, but I did manage to get my citizenship for which almost took me 20 years to get.  I continue my growth and development on my field while waiting for opportunities to come. In many ways, I felt accomplished yet when it came to my job I was in need of a challenge.  Being in the hospitality can be very monotonous sometimes regardless of people's opinion. So I waited until now...

On a more personal note, lots have happened as well.  This 2014 brought lots of changes.  I recently married my beautiful boyfriend, Rafael aka BB, for which I'm so grateful to have in my life, his personality and affection has given me comfort, serenity and confidence that I didn't think was possible.  He is loving and adorable in so many ways that many of the accomplishments I have archived in the past 12 months wouldn't have been possible without him. For him, I'm grateful and thankful.

And so I embarked on another year feeling accomplished, I set my new goals in life.  I know that persistence is the key, and of course, learning from history to avoid repeating the same mistakes.  I'm not sure what the future hold; and I'm not worry because whatever it is, I feel more prepared than  before, and I'm embracing every opportunities for learning and experiencing life.

I guess there is not message on this post except for being positive, and accepting who you are and what life has intended for everyone.  I'm being positive as my hard work is paying off, and there is not greater feeling than that.  In less than two weeks I start my new job at a familiar company, I will go back with Starwood Hotels and will be holding a higher management position.  Even though I didn't get the job last year, I'm starting this year with another accomplishment goal. I think it will set the tone for what's coming ahead this year.  

As I embrace my new journey or life; I sometimes find myself wondering.  I wonder about the choices we have and the decisions we make.  Are those the right ones? what if? How could I? etc. etc.  I have always been the kind that think too much; perhaps analyze too much too and for that reason I tend to doubt myself and sometimes even question myself.   I wish that every single decision I made don't affect or hurt anyone, and feel confident that it always the best, or the right one to make.  I sometimes think that just may be alright to question and to wonder; that's probably better than being impulsive and just going "for it" without any thoughts into it. Our minds can play such games sometimes.  How do we prevent it for making us feel its winning over us or that perhaps giving up to it is not a bad thing.

I'm on a very happy moment right now; things are going quiet well I must say, I'm currently in a fresh, young relationship where it feels like every day is a blessing and I should be totally grateful for that, and I am!   However, there are times where the mind, again, play us and it's like want to test us and play this game that happiness is never fully there, that perhaps, we should feel that we need to constantly work for it, constantly not forgetting why we have it or deserve it. It is like now that you have what you wanted; you still need to do more to keep it.

This may not sound as positive as I thought would be, but I have everything going well for me; I'm enjoy life, work, new adventures, and learning something every day which bring the excitement to my life.  I just wish the thoughts sometimes would cease and let me just enjoy thoroughly what I have and have worked for so much.  

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As I mentioned above, things are going well for me right now.  I'm super happy and excited.  I'm looking forward to a couple of getting away trips #bb and I have planned.  It was always been a dream of mine to travel more and learn more about people.  I have done it a few times on the past and I have always feel jealous of the adventures people grab about.  But I have never given up the dream of being able to travel more and finally I feel that I'm getting that accomplish.  

My whole life I felt under appreciated and deprived of love. And all for reasons I guess I can or cannot explain; but I'm not even going to get into my life history here as most of it just want to forget.  But I will say about my recent experiences with love and and other things is that it has been a  roller coaster. Moments of highs and other of lows and others.  I have given myself to the idea of love multiple times and I think I have given it all when I felt it; and for unknown reasons I still came short of the those dreams that I thought were so reachable; for whatever reasons never got there.  I’m not perfect; and I know it; but I know also of what I’m worth and what I deserved; and when you give everything in the name of love the least someone expect is love in return or some sort of happiness fulfillment that at times seems for a very exclusive group.

I grow up feeling certain kinds of loves I thought then; but so many other feelings incurring uncertainties and insecurities; and I thrived to be everything I could possibly be to deserve better; eagerly I could say never stop trying as I was hungry for affection, attention, and anything else that could have filled the void I felt my whole life.   I could say that I blinded myself and that didn't allow me to see what was in front of me and perhaps how lucky I was; but I didn't see it, neither felt it.  So the complexity of it all just contributed to the person I turned out to be today; I could use some adjectives to describe myself but I already have heard so many by other people that I don't see the point.   I don't blame these people for seeing me the way they did or still do; but I have goals and dreams and that's something those judgments don't allow them to see what perhaps I am.   At least I tried to stay true to whom I am and what I still want to become and accomplish.  One important part of this is continue my pursue of love as I refused to believe it cannot be archivable or experienced the ways it meant to be.

I can count my love affairs or relationships in one hand and even though it hasn't been many; I think understand now.  There isn't one kind of love; there many kinds and many ways to fall in love, to love someone or to accept love from others.   I thought that maybe there was just one way someone could feel it or experience it and that's probably some of my recent relationships failed asides for other issues that I believe contributed.  I refused to accept the differences and the ways of others.  It is hard to think of the past and see what could have happened if the decisions made could have turn out differently with the knowledge of today.  How do we know we did the right or wrong thing where at that moment you can't see things they ways normally we would see them after the scars have healed.   If we could only see the future and base the decisions on that snapshot of the future; but life it's not like that and neither we can lament what could have happened.  The best is to learn, experience and move on, continue with life as it is very short.  I'm a true believer of letting go off the negative and holding on to the positives moments, memories, experiences in life; it's what enrich us and makes us stronger and open our eyes to a wide range of experiences. 

Even thought with all my lack of love experiences as growing up; I still consider myself very lucky as I have experienced some and continue to learn.  I continue life, loving and sharing and I always wanted.  I am feeling more privilege today than yesterday and happiness comes in many different forms and shapes;  it is on my present and I continue to treasure these moments and memories that will shape my future giving me endless possibilities.   

I don't know how it happened but after feeling forgotten by love; I am happy to welcome it again and embracing it as it has never been experienced before; it's a new life and a new relationship, a new kind of love that can only be described as beautiful and powerful.    It's the kind of love that makes me want to do better, be better, better myself in a every possible way; and it's a great feeling.  It's even more amazing to feel loved the way its being offered; treasuring it and cultivating it is my focused right now.  It came as strong as a storm and took everything away and replaced it with this amazing feeling, not to grab about it, but it's a life changing experience.   There's no magic ball to see the future or  see what is in store for us; but it would be a waste of time to think of it; instead staying focused on the present and what we do for each other today to make ourselves happy.  

It has been a little less than three months and we continue growing stronger and learning about each other; even though love is there and it's a strong there are no perfect relationships; and there will never be; but I'm even happier when I see the work we both put into it and the result even is even more magical.  Falling in love is easy; but making love worth and last a while that's the hard part and this feels it will be worth everything.    

We all have hard times letting go.  Either this might be someone, something, or even past relationships or any sort of feelings; it's not easy to let that of what we become so accustomed to let go.  I have learned my lessons through the years and sometimes I have said things too fast and couldn't help the way I felt and ended up taking all back even when regret was better choice of word; but I tried hard not to regret any; but nothing good comes out of regret so why do it. it's better to move on even when it's easier to say that do.  Everyone says is healthy to say what you feel wildly but very little we think of the consequences of our words and actions.  It can be selfishness or jealousy... actually could be anything. 

I concentrate on letting go bad/negative energies, feelings, people and all that doesn't bring anything to my life that is not worth investing on.  I have the minimum doubts and the answer is; that's not good enough.  It may sounds judgmental and harsh; but I learn that the best medicine to not get hurt is to learn how to let go of anything we become attached to.  The easily it becomes the easier to forget.   I have learned that I could archive better sense of situations and move forward quicker than what the history has showed me.   I'm accepting the good in everyone, everything and embracing it even when it's not always perfect; I judge less and found it helps me  with dealings of disappointments in any level that I have imagined before.   I believe someone said "I wish I knew yesterday what I know today" but the same we will say about tomorrow.  It's about taking our experiences today, learning, and moving on as it never end.   I concentrate on happiness, good feelings, good energy and trying to better myself instead of searching or looking for someone who is better so I can feel that there's some sort of deserving relationship.  The better I feel about myself and know what I can offer; the easier will be to find who value and treasure me for who I am.   It's not about what I can find; but about what I can offer; everything and everyone else will come along. I know it; and even if doesn't come. I don't any anyone other than myself to know of what I'm worth. 

Letting myself go has been another learning experience as I have been very reserved about certain feelings or aspect of my personality that recently I starting to discover and experiencing.  I must say my sensitivity and naiveté still preventing me to fully become what the inner self feels like; but I'm discovering and experiencing new exciting feelings and a different kind of joy that are very promising of future adventures. Happiness is tricky and when I thought I knew what it was; I'm realizing that there are millions of possibilities.  I'm more than hopeful for what's ahead and I'm embracing it all as it comes.

I feel it has been a while since I updated this notes; and for some reason I feel there's a lot to catch on.  pretty much like everything on my life; it's like two steps behind; but not giving up yet, one day have to catch up and surpass whatever so I can have control.  oh, that's it. control.

For now, great news to report. I've been working in the hospitality business for over what, an eternity feels like, but I think it has been eight years more or less. I feel that I have grown since I started and learned quite a lot and even since my confidence has always been high about my performance;  I haven't feel better till recently where all my hard work was recognized by winning the "best concierge" of the city.  I had no expectations of winning this award at all, but i ended up getting it home which felt pretty neat; a feeling of accomplishment and somewhat proud.  I love that I was finally noticed by those who hardly show any sign and by many who just rectified what I already knew.

Dear Friend,

I’m sorry that my text wasn’t what you expected.  It wasn’t mean to be anything at all except for perhaps some cry to make conversation, maybe more than conversation to seek answers to my own confusion at the moment.  I thought that perhaps you would be more understandable as open as you say you are. It even less meant to degrade you or make you feel uncomfortable at all.  For that I’m sorry; as I am for your childhood too.  I believe that children who have a happy childhood have a happy life.  For those who have a history or a not so pleasant one need to learn how to cope with it, live it, love it and learn from it.   But also learn how to let go, how to forgive, and most importantly how to move forward from it.   I sometimes feel that people use their childhood as an excuse to become better, not to fight for better life and often times use their past to ruin their future; but if we learn from it and let it be what it is and move forward; I think we can have better lives.  I’m not saying that your childhood doesn’t need work even after you grow up, I think if you have open wounds maybe it’s time to fine a way to cure them and close them.  Only after that you will be free; only after than you can be happy. 

By the way, I may have judged you before about you being online.  Before when it really meant something to our relationship and me.  Now, I’m more open-minded I guess or call it understandable.  But I must admit that still bothers me a little and I think that’s normal, no? I’m a human being.   Do I think you need to be online to feel confortable talking to someone,? No.  Do I think you need to overcome your shyness on sex websites? No.  And what value does it have if some complete stranger who has no clue about your life and your past gives you a compliment?  Is it really truthful? I don’t think so.   Don’t you rather have that from someone who knows you or care about you either as a friend or lover; I think it has more meaning, don’t you think?  But I again, we all have our ways of coping with things.  Some people has faster, more productive methods and some are failures; I guess the best is the ones that gives us result; positive ones!

Theirs is a part of me that is very sad that our moment didn’t become what I expected it to be.  Like you said; it’s no one’s faults but perhaps the time.  I’m glad though that we met and experience what we did; otherwise we wouldn’t be here today being stronger human beings.  Do I wish a different result, perhaps, but I’m happy to have us in each other’s lives.

I am open, and love you too!

Eighteen years ago I came to this country not knowing that I would stay this long. The trip was supposed to be an opportunity for the future if we, my brothers and sister, would wanted to come back and look for a better life.  It was another opportunity for me since we were strangers to one another.  I had different expectations of how that would come out from the actual way it did but that's a whole different story. This is more about the places I've been and the ones yet I have to experience.  Once again I contemplate the option of moving to a new neighborhood. Not that I hate my current one; but it just that there isn't anything around me that might even feel that I could have as an option.  I have learned to love my place and now that I'm getting used to its quietness; but I get bored of the area since it is nonexistent.  I wonder if this says something about my personality or if there are any hidden messages to it that I need to tell my psychologist.  

After the storm Sandy scared the hell out of everyone this week; I decided that it was time for me to get out of my apartment and celebrate Halloween.  I was indoors for two and half days and after watching numerous TV seasons programs I felt that I was loosing it and getting a bit mad. This would have been a different story if I had someone to spend my storm incarceration with.   I could have agreed to my ex "papito" and invited him to stay over when he past my house looking of his bike pump; but I didn't think it was fair for him due that he seems not to understand the different places we are in.  I wouldn't mind him staying over and enjoying each other company; but I know he wouldn't see it like that and it would have been just a set back for him who has numerous time told me "he wanted to get away and move on".  He may see me as the guy who doesn't care about his feelings but I disagree.  We just have different visions of our lives I guess.  Anyway, I'm not a big complainer; I wouldn't mind staying home for days, weeks or months if I have someone to eat soup and crackers with; someone to wake up next to or to invent cocktails at breakfast; I wouldn't really care.   But I needed to get out of my place so I took a bus downtown as crazy as the experience was I didn't care, I was on my own world and I was far away from what was happening around me.

This was my second Halloween that I spend with my friend Lisa. I recalled our first one which was totally unplanned and unexpectedly lots of fun and thinking of that spirit we decided to duplicate that and keep it low and casual.   I got a pretty good chance to think about this past year while I waited for Lisa and Harald at the designated restaurant; they were stuck in traffic and I was holding a bottle of wine while I waited.  Nothing to do then but to browse my phone and remembering some past memories and events that have filled this year.  I recalled the guy I met on the last Halloween, I decided to send him a "happy anniversary" message even though we are not in any kind of relationship except for the type that randomly we still text each other.   I recalled the lost of my mother and the unfinished business that have scared me for life.  I remembered the good news I have received based on the hard work I have put on this year and how rewarding that has been.   In less than a hour I went through many emotions trying to figure out where I was and what has happened.  At the end I felt good because I couldn't have been so fortunate.  I could be on the street with no home or power, I could be asking someone for help and not feel confident that I would get it.  I felt really lucky that I have what I have and that I was where I was at that moment.  

My friend finally came and my thoughts then were to try to have a good time and enjoy our time.  At the beginning I felt I was missing something and even though I knew what it was I didn't want to agree with my own thoughts... We had dinner and had great talks about life, people and our own Sandy situations... Shortly after dinner we changed venue to the gay nightclub XL; it was my second time there; the first time was a cabaret night which was kind of fun, but I didn't stay more than 30 minutes; this time was more for the dance which I hadn't been in months if not years. Walking in and listening to the music I felt a bit of rush and excited, reminiscing the old times kind of way, but that didn't last long as we walked in and saw a bunch on kids in ass-less costumes parading the dance floor like a carnival; I slowly gave in and started to loose myself a bit.  Of course, at this point I had a few cocktails running through my veins so it wasn't too difficult.   Lisa and I danced around, met some boys; either we were interested on their costumes and their dedication for creating some of the sequences that probably two them hours of weeks.  The we both caught a glance of a seven foot talk handsome guy who happen to be watching us dance, we both stop and say "wow, he is hot!" almost at the same time.   That's when we decided to stay a little longer and see what happens.  We both agreed that we haven't seen such a beautiful man in a long time; and we thought this guy can't be by himself so we went back to our little dancing corner.  A few minutes later he decided to join the dance floor and keep staring at us; I wasn't so much into him then because in a way I thought he was out of my league until... Long story short, we ended up kissing and dancing together, and the best part that encounter was that we didn't even hook up or cared to get to know each other; that was just a club kiss and that was that; started and ended there.

I come to realized that no matter how hard you think your life is; it could be a lot more worse.  I'm learning to embrace things as they come, grab them, enjoy them, and keeping moving forward; great if I have someone to share those great moments that keep running through my head; but I won't stop if I don't.  I have give a lot and trust a lot and it has set me back; but grateful for the experiences because I have learned and it has enriched me in ways that I would never had if I didn't dare to do them.