Gay. just gay.

you start of with him being zero which. unsurprising. he gets captured, tortured, revealing nothing and realistically probably feeling like he deserves it in some way

but things get interesting when he sees lelouch again

half out of his mind, he doesnt think lelouch is real. it feels like hes seen apartitions of him before. and when he does touch lelouch, he doesnt react with immediate anger but instead wonder. maybe a stab of betrayal that is common with lelouch. but hes different from what suzaku remembers. detatched. lelouch gives suzaku "permission" and the floodgates burst. he beats the shit out of lelouch despite being in terrible shape (which lelouch more than deserved) with a breaking voice and heart, finally airing out some of the grievances hes held for who knows how long. he passes out shortly after, going limp after the heat of his emotions die out

after that hes on autopilot. the word soldier is etched into his veins. he goes into battle and then comes out of it. same old same old. it feels recycled, until lelouch pleads with cornelia for her help. suzaku witnesses this, witnesses that lelouch is in fact, different than he remembers. but maybe it isnt a bad thing after all. maybe things could be different. (despite everything, i think suzaku always held on to his more "naive" beliefs. such is the fate of foils)

then theres that lovely balcony scene, star crossed lovers under an open sky. lelouch has never been much an idealist though so hes quick to tell suzaku he is impermanent which serves as a damper to whatever suzaku wanted to say. but they witness ohgi and villettas wedding together, an easy parallel to their own relationship, and suzaku tells lelouch that hes glad hes alive. he missed him. the world is lonely without him. lelouch is quick to deflect but suzaku wouldnt have it any other way. hes always been the more honest of the two.

war never changes and suzaku falls perfectly into place under lelouchs command. theyre always strongest together. but as soon as it starts, its over and the crackling of a selfish word fades behind suzakus eyes when the world stills once more.

shooting stars cover the sky but suzaku knows better than to make a wish. he sees lelouch with nunnally, hears how she asks him to stay--the same words that he probably swallowed before--and he smiles. like empress, like knight. all of his charges have rubbed off on him.

Are people seriously justifying what Ramil did as "the same as always, how was it different, why is Paytai reacting so strongly/overreacting"? Have we watched the same series?

Yes, Paytai has endured years of abuse on Ramil's behalf. But every time until now he suffered FOR Ramil. It was pain and suffering caused BY a monster, but he had Ramil in the room with him.

Now? He suffered BY Ramil. Yet there was no Ramil in the room with him. There were just two monsters.

"Butbutbut Ramil is also a victim!" - spare me. Yes, he is. Him being a victim was CAUSED TO him. He has no fault in this. But to become the monster? He CHOSE. He COMPLIED. It's on him. That was a decision, and he made it. Some of the worst abusers were victims before that. Does that excuse who they allowed to become?

"Butbutbut he had no other move!" - don't. He did. He could have said no. And bear whatever punishment his pos dad decides to perform. On him, on Paytai, on both.

"Butbutbut he didn't want to make it worse for Paytai!" - bite me. What could be worse than this? Paytai knew what he was into. He knew it when he, the servant who always got punished, stood up to Rachata. FOR RAMIL. And he knew when he was on the floor, under Rachata's boot.

And he was ready to pay for his boldness. He had done it before, he was gonna do it again. That was the type and level of abuse he knew, was used to, and could handle. Because he had something more important. Something he had put above his human dignity and pride. Something he sacrificed both for, each and every time.

He believed he had Ramil.

But when he felt RAMIL'S boot on his face, he knew he had lost him. And Paytai was left absolutely, utterly alone. On the floor, with his shattered pride and dignity. And the one thing that had made all this - the pain, the suffering, the constant put down and humiliation - worth it for him, disappeared.

And that was personality and character suicide from Ramil's part, too. That was a betrayal - and self-betrayal - of fundamental magnitude.

And don't tell me "butbutbut he doesn't realize all the levels, nuances and implications". Oh, he SO DOES. You know how I know? Remember his speech, on domestic violence? That was a speech from someone who gave A LOT of long, hard thinking on the topic. And is aware of the effects - on every level, and in every nuance. He knows. He had lived them his entire life.

And if there's one thing every victim of (domestic) violence and their adjacent people know, with painful, crystal certainty? Is that violence always, ALWAYS escalates. And that was just another step on the ladder Rachata was forcing Ramil to climb.

And Ramil knows this. He had seen this violence towards Paytai escalate since their childhood - from slaps, to hits, to lashes, TO FUCKING BOOTS ON THE FACE AND BODY. When, do you recon, would be his time to say NO, then? Rachata's cruelty was so habitual, it lead Ramil to agreeing to STEP ON PAYTAI'S FACE.

And in the ONE moment when he had to show spine, and bravery, and pay the price for it? He failed. But he DID choose. He chose to act like the monster. Does it really matter that he suffered while doing it? Not in the slightest. Because his pain was not visible from UNDER HIS FUCKING BOOT. But the pathetic cowardice of a monster-in-the-making? Oh, it was shining, bright and blinding.

Every pathology, when tolerated, becomes the new normal. That's valid throughout history, in every time, for every atrocity. It' been clinically proven with behavioral experiments.

And people were ready to excuse it? Humor me, what should Ramil do, to make you admit he absolutely lost himself, and went inexcusably far? What do you think remains of a person after they fall lower than certain level of humanity?

There are two is one more episodes, and since the series was filmed until very recently, the writers were fully aware how beloved RamilPaytai is, and had time to properly adjust the plot. So my guess is they will somehow fix it.

(ETA: the platform I am watching at misinformed me there are 15 episodes; there only are, however, 14; and in just one episode? good luck for anything I was hoping below for to happen properly. it was hardly ever going to happen in two, but in just one? no way.)

And since Paytai is the best soft boy, and loves the pathetic wet meow-meow, he will forgive him, and will take him back even after a pathetic, lukewarm, half-assed barely-there-apology, which to me would be the absolute worst case scenario, even worse than them remaining separate.

But I do hope the loss finally triggers the appearance of some fucking spine in Ramil. And pushes him to self actualization and character growth. Though for me, without proper penance and utter humility, any positive resolution to the Ramil and Paytai's relationship will ring hollow, shallow, and fake.

And I'm saying this as someone who is watching the entire series just because of them. That's why I started the series AT ALL. I adore them, and want nothing more but for them to be happy together (and poison the abusive son of a bitch).

And, contrary to how it might seem from this rant, I'm not mad at the writers for making Ramil do this. First of all, that makes for a great TV, and second, that's BALLSY. Because that was something truly, undeniably bad. It's a complex, hard-on-all-fronts situation, involving a complete innocent, and someone who's both a victim AND the perpetrator of the monstrosity.

Shows, and BL especially, rarely allow REAL conflicts to unfold. Oftentimes they're so made up, it's embarrassing, and the characters overreact to give it some credibility, making them look absolutely neurotic and histrionic.

And just as rarely the (BL) shows allow the characters who are not supposed to be the token "bad guy" to do REALLY fucked up, BAD shit, and be(come) nuanced, 3-D, FLESHED OUT characters. This one did, and I'm truly impressed.

My only fear is there won't be enough time to properly resolve this situation, and if hurried? It will completely ruin the boldness of the first part, because they won't have anything to back it up with on the other end.

Better break them up, and don't fix them, unless you're gonna fix them PROPERLY. Because if done properly, it could be amazing, and will remain what viewers will remember the most from the entire series, long after it's done.

Don't fail me, show. Do it right, or don't even attempt. A good bad ending is better than a dumb, underwhelming, cringey, fake, bad happy ending.