Have you ever been to earth?
On earth, we use the word βburritoβ to describe a tortilla filled with things you eat. Pretty simple stuff, and Iβm surprised you at least got that part right. My burrito was, in fact, filled with food. In this, you and I agree and are friends. But this is also where my lifelong hatred begins for you and anyone else whose brain has been repeatedly scrubbed with the same mixture of bleach and Pop Rocks as yours has. Because that should have killed you, but left you around long enough to do what you did to me today. Let me explain:
Burritos are eaten from one end to the other. So that means when you assemble a burrito with motherfucking ZONES of ingredients going that direction, you create a disgusting experience for the burritoβs end user. When you make a burrito, you should put the ingredients in layerslengthwise.Β That way, every bite has AT LEAST A FUCKING CHANCE of getting at least two types of ingredients, and there is little chance of becoming almost hopelessly trapped in a goddamned cilantro cavern.
Have you ever eaten one of the things you make all fucking day? You should try one. They are pretty good WHEN YOU ARE NOT WILLING YOURSELF THROUGH THE FUCKING EMPIRE OF SOUR CREAM ONLY TO END UP IN LETTUCE COUNTRY.
When you eat a burrito, you donβt stand it up and bite down on it lengthwise like a fucking Rancor. Humans canβt usually dislocate their jaws, and Iβm not a fucking pelican. But you must think thatβs how itβs done, since that would be THE ONLY FUCKING WAY to take a bite of your crapstrosity and have it taste like a burrito.
And guess what else, player? You probably canβt guessΒ anything, because Iβm pretty sure youβre just a mop with a hat on it that fell over and spilled some shit into a tortilla, but just in case, hereβs what:
Humans also donβt eat burritos like fucking corn on the cob. Like a fucking typewriter from one end to the other a little at a time and then DING next line. But today I wish I had tried that. Because at least THEN I would be able to eat some rice, then beans, then be all like HEY BEANS IβLL BE RIGHT BACK JUST GOING OVER HERE TO THE GUACAMOLE FOR A SECOND.
My experience was more like HEY BEANS ITβS JUST GOING TO BE YOU AND I FOR A MINUTE UNTIL I CAN FUCKING EXCAVATE THE RICE FROM BENEATH YOU BUT BY THEN YOU WILL BE A FADING MEMORY OH HEY I WAS WRONG IβM IN THE FUCKING CHEESEOSPHERE NOW RICE MUST BE NEXT I HOPE ITβS NOT ANOTHER FUCKING SALSA POCKET.
You built this thing like a fucking pack of LifeSavers.
And donβt even fucking think Iβm about to open this shit up and re-engineer your nonsense 90 degrees. I ALREADY PUT A HOLE IN IT WITH MY FUCKING MOUTH. YEAH. THATβS HOW I DISCOVERED YOU FUCKING SUCK AT LOOKING AT THINGS. I AM NOT GOING TO DO FUCKING TORTILLA ORIGAMI TO GET THIS SHIT BACK TOGETHER, ONLY TO END UP WITH A BURRITO THATβS BEEN SHOT IN THE GUT AND IS BLEEDING YOUR INEPTITUDE.
Whatβs that? I should ask you to mix it up first next time? IS THIS JAMBA JUICE? I DONβT WANT TO DRINK MY FUCKING BURRITO THROUGH A BENDY STRAW, AND I DONβT WANT A PILE OF BURRITO SOUP IN A FLOUR CAN.
Youβre the worst thing that has ever happened to the universe, you owe everyone everywhere an apology for this burritobomination, and I hope your babies look like monkeys.
UPDATE FOR EVERYONE WHO SAID βJUST EAT IT WITH A FORKβ:
I DIDNβT ORDER THE FUCKING COBBURRITO SALAD.
If anyone ever handed me a burrito with a fork, THEY WOULD BE WEARING A BRAND NEW BURRITO HAT FROM MY FALL COLLECTION TEN SECONDS LATER.
Thatβs like buying a car and having them hand you a fucking wrench with the keys. Like YEAH WE KNOW THIS MOTHERFUCKERβS GOING TO EXPLODE AND BE SPREAD ACROSS EIGHT LANES AS SOON AS YOU HIT THE GAS, BUT SHIT, WE GAVE YOU A WRENCH, SO BE COOL.
Jesus already gave me two burrito forks. One at the end of each arm. Theyβre called fucking HANDS.
A fork. My god. I havenβt cried since I was six, but Iβm fucking sobbing now.
People eat burritos with forks?
