suck my ass

a memoir

“fuck you,” i whispered, my eyes bleeding from staring at the sky for seventy nine hours straight and slowly peeing myself as i drank a years supply of kool aid through an eight foot long straw.

it was a summer day in seattle, and the intoxicating blend of too-sweet coffee and cold chicken wings that i had for breakfast was really getting to me.  my stomach rumbled like a fucking plane collision, and i groaned loudly.

“fuck you,” i screamed, racing into my house in an attempt to reach the toilet as fast as possible.  my asshole was about to explode.  

i threw aside my bathroom sink in my frantic rush to take a shit.  my butt clenched in agony, and tears began sliding down my face.  I did my best to wriggle out of my skin tight jeans, screeching in fury as they got stuck halfway down my legs.  it would have to do.  i sat down on the toilet, and oh my sweet jesus.

“holy fuck, fuck me, SHIT!”  I screamed, my heart stopping completely and my mind hurling into a dizzying state of numbness.  shit poured out of me like a water slide.

it was fucking splash mountain.

the shit seemed to be mocking me as it rained down, almost as if it was getting revenge for the chicken wings.  all i could feel was miserable and incurable suffering as my life slowly crumbled before me, my asshole ripping into two, my heart crushing into a thousand shards of razor sharp glass.

the tears flowed down my face like niagra.  eternal doom fell upon me as the poop kept pouring.  i was surprised that my body could hold so much garbage.

my butthole was a warzone.  the shit was everywhere, all over my walls, all over my toilet, all over me and my new blink-182 shirt.

i wiped everything up and threw it out the window.  there was no way i could flush all that shit in one flush, and my sewer bill was high enough already.

“fUCK YOU, BILLIE JOE, THIS IS THE SEVENTH TIME TODAY!” screamed my neighbor, Fiddle Pin, as the shit fell into his yard. 

i laffed, knowing i had gotten away with it.