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aw come on babe i said i was sorry molly threatened to break my fingers if i kept using my phone for anything except replying to pr emails and despite her size i feel like she probably bites

don't "come on, babe" me. you had your chance.

what the hell why would you visit such violence upon my perfectly innocent person

you didn't text me back fast enough and i'm making it everyone's problem but mostly yours.

idk how to celebrate womens day so jay and i have just been randomly giving women money on twitter

it's the right thing to do.

you know you should really label your containers

heaven forbid dave fucking strider remember a word i say.