Reposting this with a different ending because apparently the old one was problematic
Ilia Malinin and the Sprouting Peas
Ilia Malinin was bored. So so bored. He started a Twitch livestream to get ideas from his fans on what to do.
None of the suggestions really appealed to him though. Until he read a message from Twitch user YH-4Aismine that said “You should try inhaling some peas.” That caught ilia’s attention.
“What?” Ilia questioned. “What kind of suggestion is that?”
“Inhaling peas gives you the ability to do helicopter jumps.” YH-4Aismine stated in the Twitch chat. “Basically a way to have infinite air time.”
Ilia was skeptical. “Really? Never heard of that.”
But ilia really wanted to be the first person to jump an Infinity axel. “Alright I’ll do it!”
“I sent you a bag of peas already.” YH-4Aismine said.
Ilia frowned. “Wait what? How do you know my address? Are you a stalker?”
YH-4Aismine replied, “Shoma Uno told me.”
“You know Shoma-“ Ilia started, then paused. “Actually, never mind, I don’t want to know.”
Ilia went downstairs to get the pack of peas that this mysterious Twitch user had delivered to his doorstep. He opened the front door and found a pack of 300 peas waiting for him.
“Huh, weird.” Ilia muttered as he brought the peas upstairs, along with a bowl.
Ilia set the bowl down and tried to pour all the peas into it. Unfortunately, some of the peas fell out of the bowl and he had to toss them away due to the 5 second rule. Upon counting every single pea in the bowl like a madman, Ilia found that he had 284 peas left.
“Oh well. Better than nothing.” Ilia shrugged and sat down in front of the camera.
Then he began inhaling peas. It felt a bit weird at first, but after a while it became really addicting, and before he knew it, all 284 peas had gone down Ilia’s nostrils.
“It’s better than drugs!” Ilia exclaimed, high off inhaling half-frozen peas. He then proceeded to continue the stream as normal with some gaming, losing badly at Fortnite as usual and even making some terrible outfits in Dress to Impress. All seemed well…
Until 2 weeks before Worlds. Ilia was just warming up with some quintuple axel + quadruple toeloop + quintuple flip combination jumps when he started coughing and hacking violently.
“You okay?” Alysa Liu asked, skating over to her countrymate.
“Yeah I’m totally—“ Ilia cuts himself off by another series of violent coughs. He puts his hand to his mouth, and when he pulls it away… he sees blood.
“Oh no. That’s not good.” Amber Glenn commented from afar.
Ilia tries to respond but he coughs for the third time, and… a leaf flutters out of his throat?
“ILIA’S GOT HANAHAKI DISEASE!” Yelled Jason Brown.
“What? What even is that?” asked Alysa.
“It’s a fictional disease.” Jason explains.
Roman Sadovsky frowns. “If it’s fictional then why does Ilia have it?”
Amber Glenn shrugs. “Then maybe it isn’t Hana-ha- whatever it is.” She pauses. “Wait, aren’t you supposed to be in Canada?”
Ilia doesn’t really listen to them. All he can think about is the peas. Maybe he shouldn’t have listened to that random guy on his Twitch stream and inhaled 284 peas in one night.
“Then what is it?!” Jason exclaimed.
Ilia finally speaks. “Pea—“
“Eww, TMI! We don’t need to know that you gotta urinate.” Alysa made a puking noise.
“No, I meant pea as in the vegetable.” Ilia said hoarsely. “I inhaled like, 284 peas a few months ago.”
“Why the heck would you do that?” Roman questioned, bewildered.
“I was bored okay?” Ilia protested, but then starts coughing again.
“Oh em gee, we need to ring up Nathan Chen quick. This is an emergency!” Jason yells dramatically, flailing his arms.
“Okay, got it!” Amber nods, whipping her phone out and dialing the Olympic Chenpion at lighting speed. “Nate, Nate, come quick! There’s something wrong with your idiot successor!”
“Hey, I’m not an idiot- wait I kinda am.” Ilia backtracks after thinking about it for a moment.
“What, really?” Nathan exclaims over phone. “I’ll be right there!”
5 seconds later Nathan Chen crashes through the roof of the ice rink.
“Well that was quick. How did you even get here so fast?” Alysa asked.
“Backflip.” Nathan said nonchalantly, then wandered over to Ilia. “Hey kid, you okay?”
“That’s not good.” Nathan replied, stating the obvious. “So, what’s the situation?”
“Ilia’s violently coughing and hacking up blood and random pea leaves.” Jason told him. “He thinks it’s because he inhaled a heck ton of peas a few months ago.”
Roman nodded. “At this rate he’ll probably not be able to do all those sextuple jumps that he should be doing and then I might have an actual chance at getting on the podium again.”
“Yeah that’s not gonna happen no matter what, buddy.” Amber rolled her eyes.
“I think I know what’s happening.” Nathan stated.
“You do?!” Everyone gasped. Or, most of them gasped. Ilia just coughed like a wet kitten caught in the rain.
“Yeah. I think the peas that Ilia inhaled have sprouted in his lungs.”
“Sprouted!” Amber exclaimed in horror. “Ew!”
Nathan nodded solemnly. “You need to go to surgery to get the peas out, Ilia. Let’s go—“
“No! I don’t wanna have surgery! Worlds is in like 2 weeks and I don’t wanna miss—“ Ilia started coughing again.
“Either way you’re probably gonna miss Worlds anyways. Say goodbye to the gold medal.” Nathan shook his head.
“But I don’t want surgery! Pleaseeeee?”
Nathan frowned. “We need to take you to the hospital so you can get well again for other competitions.”
“Look, do you want to go to the Olympics in 2026 or not?” Nathan challenged.
“Yeah but I’m so scared of surgery! Pretty please with a 5Lz+4T+6A sequence on top?” Ilia pleaded pathetically.
Nathan sighed. “Fine. We’ll do it another way.”
“Yay!” Ilia beamed, but then starts coughing again.
Nathan pulls up his phone and dialed a number.
“Who are you calling?” Jason Brown asked.
Amber frowned. “How are they gonna help?”
“I’m actually calling Yuzuru Hany—“
“Noo! Not him!” Ilia pleads again. “He’s been after me ever since I made that Instagram Live comment!”
“Maybe you shouldn’t have made that comment then?” Alysa shook her head.
Nathan sighs. “I need Yuzuru to bring his premium Japanese garden scissors to cut out the pea shoots.”
“What! That sounds dangerous!” Ilia protested.
“And inhaling 284 peas isn’t?” Amber retorted.
1 second later Yuzuru Hanyu crashed through the roof of the ice rink.
“Holy— did you backflip here too?” Roman exclaimed in shock.
“No, I bounced off Pooh-bear’s stomach.” Yuzuru corrected.
The ice prince walked over to Ilia, brandishing a formidable looking pair of garden scissors.
Nathan cleared his throat. “Okay, we’re about to conduct a surgical procedure here. Can we have some privacy?”
Jason, Roman, Amber, and Alysa nodded and exited the rink.
Yuzuru proceeded to stick his entire hand and scissors inside Ilia’s throat.
“Um… Yuzu, are you qualified for this?!” Nathan asked worriedly.
“I did surgery on a grape when I was 5.” Yuzuru shrugged. “He’ll be fine.”
Yuzuru started snipping all the pea shoots in Ilia’s throat.
“You’re actually doing it! Oh my god!” Nathan exclaimed. “You’re a genius!”
“I’m not the Ice Prince for nothing!” Yuzuru flashed a charming smile.
Meanwhile, Ilia’s face goes purple from asphyxiation.
“What’s wrong with his face?” Nathan questioned.
“Don’t worry! It just means he’s really happy.” Yuzuru continued snipping the peas away.
“Oh my god! Is he okay?” Nathan shouted.
“He just fell asleep, nothing to worry about!” Yuzuru said as he pulled a bunch of bloodied pea shoots out of Ilia’s throat. “He will be fine.”
Ilia did not seem fine. The poor guy did not wake up for a long time. Junhwan Cha had to be called in to insert a tube to feed Ilia because Yuzuru had trouble putting it in himself. But even then the situation did not seem good. Well, to Junhwan and Nathan, at least. Jun had to convince Yuzuru to send his patient to the hospital.
Ilia awoke weeks later in a tiny hospital bed with a IV drip hanging out of his arm. He immediately panicked. “What day is it?” Upon checking, it was the day of the men’s free program at Worlds. “OH NO! I gotta go!”
Meanwhile at the ice rink the final warmup group was about to take to the ice… when Ilia crashed through the roof in hospital pyjamas.
“Did I make it?” Panted Ilia.
Junhwan was in shock. “Ilia? How’d you get here? Weren’t you in the hospital?”
“I got Ronnie Radke to break me out because I’m so cool and I raspberry twisted all the way here.” Ilia smiled sweetly.
Yuma Kagiyama stared at Ilia before shaking his head. “No matter. Japanese will win.”
Ilia laughed, waving his hand around, IV drip still dangling from his veins. “Nah fam. I gotta lock in.”
And lock in he did. Ilia made history by being the first to land an ♾️axel, despite spraying blood on the audience members during the program. “It was intentional.” Ilia stated in his interview later. “The blood I mean. Not the ♾️axel.”
As Ilia stood on the top of the podium with his fancy new gold medal, he muttered to himself, “Man. Snorting peas really did help me with my jumps. Maybe I should do it again next season.”
Months later, Ilia Malinin opened the Olympic season by snorting 2 bags of peas. “What could go wrong?”
