I've Endured Your Paradise

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"I suppose," Olivia sighed, running a hand through her hair as she leaned onto the table between them. She had never held any pride being a Gunner - their reputation preceded them - and yet she had still let herself be blinded by caps in her desperation.

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“I wasn’t filled in on the explicit details, if that’s what you’re asking,” Duke replied, frown forming and brows furrowing with clear irritation, “but I was aware there was big plans - as they put it - for Quincy, yes.

It wouldn’t be the first time the Gunners took control of a settlement, and we didn’t need one of our own caught up in the confusion unawares. There would be enough bloodshed as it is, and it’s not as though you perform well under pressure, Andy, let alone if you had to participate with no preparation. Which is why you were given the instruction to keep your ass away from Quincy.”

The Captain crossed his arms over his chest and raised a brow at the Scout, his disapproval of the entire conversation palpable. At this point, he was practically radiating annoyance.

“Now, private, why don’t you explain to me why you disobeyed a direct order and stuck your nose where it didn’t belong?”

It was the tone that struck Andy the hardest: Duke spoke as if the Gunners had simply woken up one morning and put their socks on before their boots. As though laying waste to an entire settlement - those fighting and fleeing alike - was an entirely normal, everyday occurrence. That it was okay. That it was expected and encouraged.

It wasn’t the first time Andy had felt absolute disgust towards the Gunners - towards Duke, even, - but it was the first time guilt didn’t swiftly replace it. In fact, guilt was no where to be seen. In guilt’s place was anger.

“I had friends in Quincy,” Andy said, voice low and almost pleading, hopeful that Duke would listen to him, not as a Captain, but as his father.

It didn’t work.

“I asked you why you disobeyed.”

Andy had always known in his heart he wasn’t a Gunner. This just proved it.

He couldn’t stay here any longer. He had to get out.

[Prompt]

“Exhausted,” she said with a sigh and an empty smile, leaning her head against the back of the chair and closing her eyes, grateful for the warm coffee Starling had offered her. 

Olivia had started the trek to Tidings almost immediately after she had woken at the Gunner base to find Andy gone; a note left scrawled for her saying he couldn’t stay, but he couldn’t risk her getting in trouble for going AWOL with him. 

The note had begged her to stay. 

Olivia left anyway.

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Olivia was trying not to show how deep her concern was on her face, but she couldn’t hide it completely, not with the way her brows were furrowed, her mouth set in a firm frown, how her eyes seemed to dart around, as if hoping to see Andy coming around a corner any minute.

She was so sure he would have come here first.

But maybe he was more afraid of Tidings finding out who had raised him than he had been previously. After all, there were people here who had lost more than Olivia could ever imagine to the Gunners. Maybe they wouldn’t think twice to treat Andy with the same ‘kindness’ the Gunners had shown them.

“Keep an eye out,” she offered after a moment, trying - and somewhat succeeding - in offering Holly a hopeful smile. “I’m sure he’ll make his way here eventually, I think he’s just...”

She trailed off, unsure of what to say without worrying Holly further. Although from the way she had been greeted, Olivia was certain Holly had been restless since the moment Andy left.

“I think he’s just trying to get his head settled. A lot happened all at once. He’s probably trying to sort it all out. There’s still some settlements we’d stop at and some hideout-type places we’d camp at in between,” she explained, reaching up to run a hand through her hair, swiping the loose strands from her face. “He’s probably just at one I didn’t think to look at first.”

Olivia let out a short, frustrated sigh, trying not to let her nerves get to her. It seemed odd that Andy wouldn’t have come to Tidings first, but then again, the whole situation was a shit show.

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“Yeah?” Olivia asked, back pressed up against a concrete barricade as the sound of raiders and super mutants trading gunfire on either side of the pair bounced off the crumbled buildings.

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“Hey, I hear you loud and clear,” Olivia agreed, bringing her hands up to her chest in mock-defense. The knowing smirk on her face remained, however, and she shrugged her shoulders, glancing over at the bright-eyed young woman Slim had been looking at.

[Prompt]

Andy froze at the voice, but made no effort to turn his head to face Grant. He wasn’t sure he’d be able to even if he wanted to do it. He thought about pretending he hadn’t heard the man, but he also knew Grant would notice his stiffness and would just repeat himself - and having to repeat those words would probably make him mad.

It was true that she didn’t have a real understanding of how things worked with the Gunners. Maybe it was more complicated than she knew. Maybe they did own you in a way. Not in a slave collar wearing kind of way, but something else. Maybe there was some bullshit they all went through when they joined up that bound them to their officers. If that was so, it was foul. However, that would match right up with everything she’d heard about them.

Nothing she had said seemed to be helping, and she hated herself a bit for it. She wanted to encourage him; not to push – although the thought of Andy leaving the Gunners, even just knowing that he wanted to, brought some strange excitement and relief to her – but, to support whatever he chose to do. So that he didn’t feel alone in it.

“Look, I’ve been happy in my life before. I know what that feels like, and when it’s real and true, you know it. You know that you’re happy. You might be afraid every day of losin’ it, but you know,” she hesitated, more uncertain of her words than ever, but proceeded, “So, if you don’t know…you probably ain’t. If you got this much doubt in your heart on all this, I don’t think that’s happiness.”

That all felt wrong too. 

Like she was telling him how he ought to feel, or how he did feel. And it wasn’t like happiness was an easy thing in the shithole of a world they were living in. A lot of folks lived their whole lives on just surviving. Making it from one day to the next without getting dead, there wasn’t time for feeling happy. But it seemed to her that even if the best you could get was surviving, you could at least not hate yourself for the things you did to do it. You could hover on survival and not feel guilty and doubtful.

Holly looked at him curled into himself, and again wanted to wrap her arms around him, but was not sure if her touch was wanted. Or if he would even find comfort in it. Instead, she settled for resting her hand on his shoulder. It felt like too small a gesture to matter, but it was something. A quiet reminder than she was there with him.

“You been with ‘em a long time, ain’t you?” she had wondered about that for a long time, but had never let herself ask before, “How’d you end up a Gunner? It’s…it’s alright if you don’t wanna tell me though…I’ve just always wondered.”

Holly was right and Andy knew it. That’s what was so heartbreaking, so terrifying, about it all. He wasn’t happy. He had spent his entire life chasing happiness, except it turned out it wasn’t happiness at all. It was something else entirely, something that pretended to be happiness. It was like he had been given the wrong definition of the word with the hopes that he’d never pick up a dictionary once he could read.

The gentle weight of her hand was enough to bring Andy from the brink of tears, though they didn’t stop from welling in his eyes. Ashamed, he kept his head down, but he did reach up to loosely grasp at her fingers, almost desperately, as a means to further ground himself in the moment. Nothing good would come from him breaking down. Not now, not ever. At least he was sure of that.

The question was something he had been expecting... for a long time, if he was honest. Surprised it hadn’t been asked before, but Holly had never pried or prodded at his past and he had extended the same courtesy to her. But there was no reason she couldn’t know. Maybe... maybe if she knew, she’d somehow understand. Maybe if she knew, she wouldn’t be as disgusted by him anymore.

“When I was little,” he started, bringing his head up to look at the quiet chaos of Holly’s porch and all it’s goods, and he had to pause to keep tears from spilling as he took a shaky breath and continued,

“...my parents... left me. They were in trouble... bad trouble, and I was barely out of diapers. I don’t... I don’t remember them much at all. But... well, they didn’t want me getting hurt and they knew bad stuff was coming for ‘em, so they took me to a Gunner compound and left me there.”

Andy looked down at his boots, and brought his free arm up to wipe his eyes on his sleeves. He had time to grieve this loss, but he rarely told anyone about it. Only a handful of people knew, and most of them were Gunners themselves.

“Duke, my dad - my commander - he took on the task of keeping me out of trouble and getting me settled in the ranks. He, uh, he said they tried tracking my parents down to help, but... by the time they were found they were.... they were already gone.”

His voice broke, and he grit his teeth, squeezing his eyes shut. It felt stupid, being upset about people he didn’t know, but that was half the problem - he didn’t know them, and he never would. After a couple of deep breaths, he cleared his throat and kept on,

[Prompt]

“Coffee would be wonderful,” Olivia half-groaned at the end of her stretch. She reached up to rub the sleep from her eyes, squinting in the bright morning light. While she would always miss a good mattress, there was something invigorating about camping out in the Wastes. It was probably a bad thing.

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Holly knew the weight of walking away from the only thing you’ve ever known. The pain, and gut wrenching fear that came with it. Of course, she’d had little say in the matter. For Andy this was simply him wanting something different. No matter what, it would still be hard, and it would still hurt.

Andy described this man Bishop, and what had happened with him, and Holly’s stomach twisted and turned. It was no wonder he was so terrified, so reluctant to decided to leave and go. He might be walking away from the Gunners, but they would be looming overhead for as long as he was in the commonwealth. No doubt it would feel like an axe hanging over his head. One misstep and it would come swinging down. To hear him talk of threats, beatings, and tolls owed, and then to call these people family did not sit right with her. It wasn’t anger, exactly. Worry maybe. Worry that he had maybe never had a real family. People who cared about him without expecting unwavering loyalty and service in return. That was not what family was. She had known for a long time that not everyone was as lucky as she had been in that. But to think that this was the only sort of family Andy had ever known made her heart ache. He deserved better than that.

“Hey, you’re smart. And you’re good with people. Helluva lot better’n me. Not that that’s sayin’ a whole lot,” she gave a slight wheeze – what had been meant as a short, breathy laugh – and nudged him gently with her shoulder, “But you could learn to do whatever you wanted, and be good at it, I got no doubt on that.”

She hesitated, trying to figure out how to work her way through her opinions on the matter without hurting him. To her, these people – with the exception of Olivia – were not a real family to him, though being that that was all he knew, saying that outright might come off as an insult, and he’d had enough of that from her already.

“…Maybe they’re the only family you’ve had, but…that don’t mean you couldn’t have another family someplace else.  And it don’t mean they own you, or that you gotta walk the same path as them forever. It don’t mean your life ain’t yours,” she spoke gently, placed a hand between his shoulders, rubbing soft circles with her fingers, “I understand it ain’t so easy as just sayin’ ”I’m done” and walkin’ away, but, Andy, if you want somethin’ else, you owe it to yourself to try.” 

She looked at him, brows furrowing, “…Are you…happy with them?”

Holly meant well, and maybe she knew better than he did, but Andy didn’t feel like he was smart or good or capable of whatever he put his mind too. All he knew was the Gunners, and he wasn’t even considered a good Gunner.

The thought of having another family of his own - one he had made or found - had crossed his mind. More and more frequently every time he visited Tidings and was met with Holly’s smiling face, Jake’s rapid-fire cursing between words or Jay’s quiet and sincere questions about his travel.

But he couldn’t have any of that. Not with the Gunners. And he wasn’t sure he was capable of walking away.

Inside he would find a pair of socks, a scarf, and a hat with ear flaps; all in the same shade of dark green yarn, and all knitted by hand. Tucked in the socks was an old multi-tool knife, a little rough but still in decent condition. A small canvas pouch, which when unrolled revealed a few wire brushes of varying size and shape, for gun cleaning. And finally, three Silver Shroud comic books.

“Hey, I been lookin’ for you, Bucko,” she began, pulling Ginger and Edna to a stop. She walked around to the other side of the brahmin, and began loosening the ropes, “Got some things I been puttin’ aside for you for a bit…”

Holly lifted a knapsack down from the pack saddle. Inside were a few comics, an old joke book, and a holotape of some Old World comedian she’d never heard of, but she’d thought maybe Andy would enjoy listening to. A couple of plain bandanas were also inside, as well as a dark knitted hat with ear flaps. She was uncertain about the hat, but found herself worrying about his head and ears being cold during the winter months.

Standing next to him, she opened the bag and pulled out a hefty revolver. It was old, but if you looked closely you could still see faint engravings along the frame, cylinder, and barrel. She held it out to him, “Found this couple weeks ago, don’t know why but I thought of you. There’s some rounds in the bag. And uh…” she paused, fishing a small leather pouch out of the bag which she offered out to him too, “Made this for your pocket watch. Thought it’d help keep it from gettin’ banged up, y'know?”

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