I think Ellie’s flashback to Joel’s death is super super telling to how she internalized it, and the meaning she applied to his death. It’s also a good demonstration of her relationship to autonomy. Let’s break down the elements
The stairs/hallway is much longer than it was. This suggest a sense of helplessness, an inability to get there fast enough, just out of her reach.
There is blood on the floor outside of the door. Not entirely certain on this one but my hunch is again that she was too late/should’ve been more on guard/a reminder of the violence
The door is locked, another roadblock in her path to help him. She can’t access him, she can’t help, he needs her and she isn’t there.
Most importantly. Joel yells “Ellie, help me” (which he didn’t in the actual scene)
Ellie hearing Joel yell for her help, calling for her while being horribly beaten, and her being repeatedly slowed/blocked from him suggests that what she took from the whole event is that she wasn’t enough. They always helped each other, always had each others backs, always got up. Ellie views his death as a failure. She was too slow, too weak, not smart enough to save him. She failed him when he needed her most. She is absolutely helpless to save him just like she was helpless to save Riley, Tess, Sam, and Jessie (and Marlene, and humanity, and and and-).
Once again, Ellie makes a decision (staying with Riley, going to the fireflies, staying with Joel, being the cure, trying to forgive Joel) and once again her autonomy and ability to find closure is ripped from her.
In my opinion a lot of Ellie’s attitudes and aversion to being viewed as weak or a burden (think about her convo with Dina about Bill) stem from two things. Firstly, Joel. Secondly, a desperate need to not be helpless, vulnerable, or exploitable. If she presents as a strong united front and doesn’t show weakness, the lower chance is that she’s taken advantage of and loses autonomy/the people around her. She would also gain a sense of security from a mask of strength and I assume being able to emulate Joel only further creates stability/safety/protection. We can see a lot of examples through both games on how Ellie throws up an instinctive show of strength or hides her hurt (even around Dina & Joel) both as a way to reassure those around her and as a way of intimidating/protecting herself from others.
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