The Dead Girl

1/17/2022

Hi. For a while now, I have been thinking about making a blog to write just to write and put something out there to express myself. I was thinking of what site would be good but I got lazy and just ended up back here but with a new account. I don’t think anyone will read this or whatever I put up, and no one should quite honestly. I’m the worst writer ever, yet I’m going to do it anyway.

As for about myself... I’m a bad person. I’m a terrible person. I’m planning to write about my feelings and what I experience. A lot of it is truly nonsensical because maybe I am just pure nonsense. I’m anorexic, psychotic probably, depressed apparently, alcoholic possibly, and suicidal. I’ve never been diagnosed with depression but everyone else keeps insisting that I am and that I should go seek professional help. I’m never going to do that. Why ? Because I’m a bad person who is aware of the things I do yet I keep doing them. I can’t stop making mistakes. I’m also very contradictive in the things I say, believe, and/or do. I want to die but I also want to live, so that’s really gotten in my way. All you need to know about this part of myself is that I am a bad person that does deserve all the pain I feel and that I should be dead.

So yeah, shitty about/intro of myself, but I think along the way as I write you can find out more about me, that is if you continue to read. I’ll be writing about things that happened, my thoughts, my feelings, and a bunch of other bullshit. As for my name ? I’m not sure. I’m inspired heavily by fictional characters from shows and such as I relate to them in some way, so sticking to a name is hard. I like the names Cassie, Effy, and Elena. As you may tell from that, I love the shows The Vampire Diaries and Skins. You can also call me “Nobody” because that’s who I am really. That’s all I have to say for now.

                                                                                                     -Effy

7/17/2023

It’s been officially one year since I made a real post on here. I lost the energy and time to be able to do so. It was a traumatic event for myself and two of the people I love. Ever since then, I look back on it and believe it or not, I regret failing. I went through another year of pain and suffering. Sure there was some light in the dark, but there’s just too much fucking darkness. Every time I tried to do better and have good moments, it eventually just faded away because it was just covering up the truth. The truth that there is no world where I am truly happy and live a normal life. The truth that I’m alone and everyone always leaves in the end. The truth that there is no real future for me, and if there is, it’s only eternal suffering. I cannot escape that reality if I choose to live.

I continue to look back on everything and a lot of it really is the same. Mathematics and Science tend to stay constant for the most part, and the same goes for my life. No matter how hard I attempt to do better and change that, it doesn’t change. I lost the love and support of my sister since December 2021. I lost more and more people these last couple of years. I’m down to three people I love and trust so much, but am barely able to talk to. I try my best for them, but it’s never enough. I still feel empty after everything. I still look empty after everything. Emotionally and physically. I stare into the void each day and contemplate what the fuck am I still doing here. If I died, I’m sure they wouldn’t be sad or care. Even if they did, it’d only be for like a week and then they’d forget all about me. The same way that everyone else did.

I learned this some time in the last year. And my heart truly goes out to these people. Statistically and theoretically, if there are people that are loved and have a wonderful life, and there definitely is, then there also exists those that aren’t loved and never will live such a happy life. Can you believe it ? There are those that will live life all alone, unhappy, and die alone. These people are unloved and forgotten, and they go through life unnoticed, uncared for, and invisible. Nobody thinks about these people. It is truly one of the saddest thoughts I’ve ever had. You don’t know who these people are but they exist in this world and are DESTINED to live that fate. Maybe some of them do get saved, but not everyone gets saved. These are the same people that also get told “it gets better”, “you’ll find someone that loves you”, and all that other bullshit. I hate it when people tell people that, because what happens WHEN IT DOESN’T ? WHAT HAPPENS WHEN IT’S THE END OF THEIR LIFE AND IT STILL DIDN’T HAPPEN ? DO YOU JUST SAY “OOPS, I WAS WRONG” ? Fuck that. There are people in their 20′s, 30′s, 40′s, 50′s, and so forth that never got the treatment that so many others got to experience. True friendship, romance, bonds, and fun experiences with others. It’s so fucking easy for people to say these “kind” and “supportive” words to people in a position of privilege of being someone that has experienced this for so much of their lives. And I’m fucking tired of it. Then you have these fucking people tell you “oh, the most important this is you need to love yourself”. FUCK YOU. It’s like I said, it’s easy to say that when you’re in a position of someone that actually has love and bonds with others. Sure, maybe there are people out there that are content with only loving themselves and have NOBODY WHATSOEVER. But not everyone is content with that, not everyone wants that, they want what so many others have...

I’m sorry that this is such a huge shitty blog post. Honestly, it felt nice to just put some of my feelings and thoughts into something like this after one year. Maybe I’ll try to do it again every now and then if I don’t feel pressured in trying to do it at certain times. Only doing it when I feel like it, since forced writing kind of sucks. A lot of what I said is probably the most unpopular opinion, disagreed perspective, and absolute bollocks. Honestly you’re probably right. I’m just some loser, no, the biggest loser of all time. I’ve known that for the longest time and came to terms with that. You might say I’m just a self-fulfilling prophecy, and what I say is only going to happen is because I’m making it happen. Perhaps you’re right, but the thing is that I did try so many times. There are timelines where no matter how many times you go back in the past, you can’t change the outcome. There are things that will always happen. That’s my fate.

7/17/2022

For about the last 2 weeks, I had been giving out money to some of the people I care about and that I have wronged, as mentioned in my last post. I had also put out the word that if anyone wanted to meet up to punch/kick/cut/stab me in order to further compensate, I’d be fine with that. Nobody did in the end... I was disappointed. I hate that I couldn’t truly be physically punished by them. I had been planning to end it all on the night of 7/16 so I could die on today’s date, 7/17. I have an obsession with things ending in 7, but I especially love the number 17. There’s a lot of things tied to that number that mean a lot to me.

On the Wednesday before, I had further lost my mind and couldn’t wait any longer on sending money as I was prolonging it at this point. I sent money to Faith, Smile (Joy’s friend), Nirvana, and Sis. I gave them the most money as they helped me the most and I feel like I caused the most trouble to. I was shaking the whole time doing it... Soon after, Smile and Nirvana messaged me about why I’m doing this and that they are sending the money back. Nirvana kept messaging me and ended up calling me. I hadn’t heard her voice in 7 years. I sat in that dark closet talking to her for an hour. Through it all I was in tears and I kept feeling bad. I know that despite whatever temporary things she wants to provide, I’ll still be bad after and that my death is inevitable. The next day, I had received calls and voicemails from “lifeline”. 

Saturday finally came. It felt like the longest day ever, as all I wanted to do was wait for midnight and die. I didn’t feel like doing anything that day, I just had my death in full focus. I recorded some voice messages with some apologies to Faith, Smile, Nirvana, and Sis...but I ended up deleting them. Smile and Nirvana tried to stop me. I kept hesitating the whole time. I felt so scared in that moment. I couldn’t swallow it. I knew I was struggling that whole night and I’d keep looking at it just constantly thinking about taking it. It was around 12:20AM when Nirvana sent the last text to tell me to distract myself. All I had running on loop was “more than life” by MGK. I kept thinking and struggling, and I remembered what Sis did to me. She stopped me from killing myself and ended up leaving me in the end. So at around 1:10AM, I swallowed them and was ready for the consequences. Then ten minutes later, Nirvana is messaging me and has apparently been trying to narrow down where I live as I sent them a fake address earlier. I was panicking and was mad. I didn’t want an ambulance to come for me. Then a private number called and I didn’t answer, and then another number called and I didn’t answer that either. Nirvana said it was a therapist they wanted me to talk to but I refused. I told her that I wasn’t going to swallow (even though I did) and that I was going to survive the night so she needed to stop. I know I lied, but I also couldn’t believe she didn’t believe in me... but she was right not to. I never did end up telling her that I actually did take it. Unfortunately I failed in the end. I couldn’t contain it and vomited everything a few hours later. I failed again. I feel so fucking defeated. I still feel the effects of it and its taking its toll on me. I hate myself so fucking much. I can’t die right.

7/7/2022

As usual, things haven’t been well. At this point does feeling bad, horrible, destructive, and reckless become the “new normal” for me ? I don’t think that’s how it works. In the end, bad is still bad. Last weekend was not okay for me. I completely lost it and couldn’t find any other way to cope. Besides, everyone else was having fun that weekend, so why can’t I ?

I woke up early Saturday morning after dealing with one of the worst nightmares I ever had so far. I didn’t know what to do to calm down...so I ended up just getting drunk around 4AM. As a chaser, I also used alcohol to continue getting drunk faster. In addition, I brought out the hammer again. I did whatever it took to distract myself from that nightmare. Although even as I write this, I still think about it. I got drunk super fast and may have went a bit wild on social media... Then that Saturday night, I ended up overdosing. I didn’t do it for over a month and that was good, but I needed to cope with all these fucking emotions as usual. I unfortunately felt way worse than usual and that I remember. I vomited a lot and thought I was really going to die this time. Unfortunately I didn’t. I was also reckless on social media again and well yeah...

Not only that, I had sent out money to people that I felt I needed to repay back for my sins and all the wrong I had done them during that weekend and during my overdose and depression. Sorry this was a short one, I’m still going through a lot and can’t find all the words I want to say. Too many emotions going on all at once.

6/27/2022

I’m surprised I haven’t dedicated a whole post to my alcoholism yet. I guess now is better than never. I never thought I’d ever turn out to be an alcoholic. Honestly, I try to not think of myself as one, because I probably am not one. Although I think others would beg to differ. I always thought being an alcoholic is drinking too much, like daily or something. But it seems that there’s other ways to be considered one ? Apparently for me, I fall under the “drinking beyond my ability to control it to the point of harm” category. Admittedly, I do intentionally drink to the point where I’m only increasing the intensity of my darkness and doing it for negative purposes. I drink for the sole purpose of getting drunk, although isn’t that what you’re supposed to do ? I don’t know, I’m new to this.

It all started last year during the summer, where I was just drinking a few bottles of wine that was lying around. As an anorexic, I’m very lightweight, so I would get pretty tipsy just from one bottle (375ml). Then I noticed I was crying more and in this “mindset”. I set a date to where one day a month, I would down a whole bottle to intentionally feel that way again and again. Eventually in October, I acquired an old bottle of champagne. That night was when I truly got drunk for the first time. I couldn’t walk correctly, things were blurry, I felt numb, and my head was confused. I tried to call Nirvana to tell them something important, because of course it’s only when some people are drunk that they are “brave” enough to say things they wouldn’t when sober. I ended up texting them all messed up past midnight and they were responding me trying to help me through it via drinking water and such. I intentionally didn’t drink water or even eat before. I wanted to feel the effects of it all as much as I could. I did this again and again since then. I did the same with vodka for multiple nights in November and December, and soon bourbon. I still have more bottles of bourbon to go through. I recently just got sake, soju, and more champagne also for the right occasion. I regret that I forgot to get vodka and more. But that’ll be until next time.

So yeah, many nights in the last half year of me just getting drunk intentionally, posting regretful instagram stories, sending drunk messages, leaving drunk voicemails, and so on. All doing so in a dark room with just emo music playing. If everyone else gets to have fun, why can’t I ? Anyways, that’s pretty much it. Am I trying to recover from being an alcoholic ? Not really. There are times where I try to stay sober for a long time and have hit maybe up to 3 weeks sober, but I still have bottles in my closet just waiting for me. It’s inevitable that I’m going to drink. I’m only dooming myself sure, I think I’m going to stay an alcoholic because it’s all I have left. I’m already a nobody, but at least I can be a nobody that drinks.

6/17/2022

This will be my first happy post, because I’m still riding on the serotonin as long as I can. I went to my first concert ever. I saw Machine Gun Kelly on his Mainstream Sellout tour. I always wish I could see my favorite artists/bands live when they are in their sort of “prime” and doing their iconic albums. Such as blink-182 during EOTS/TOYPAJ/Untitled era, MCR during Three Cheers, Taking Back Sunday during Tell All Your Friends, and etc. With MGK bringing upon this punk/pop rock renaissance, releasing Tickets To My Downfall, and Mainstream Sellout, I knew I had to go as I feel to me, this is “his prime” with punk/pop rock rather than this rap.

I chose to wear a black mask (yes, I still wear a mask despite everyone else not anymore, but I just like to hide my face in public now) as a sort of fashionable color choice, my 3 rubber bands as usual, and my blink-182 Untitled T-shirt. I didn’t have any MGK shirts but I thought people also sometimes wear band shirts of old 80′s, 90′s or 2000′s bands anyway. Also, MGK has taken inspiration from blink-182 on occasion and well has worked with Travis Barker on a lot his punk/pop rock songs, so it should be fine. Anyways, I got there and I like how it’s an indoor stadium since it’s hot as hell here. We had seats which is nice in case you get tired. But honestly, for most of the concert I was standing up. The opening act had iann dior and blackbear, and they were honestly awesome. I’ve listened to some of their music before so it did sound familiar, but I definitely plan to check them out more. The best part was that MGK came in with a huge helicopter prop and it was such an introduce with “born with horns” playing, honestly one of the best album intro songs. Everyone was absolutely hyped and I for the first time “danced” in public, I was rockin out, whipping my hair back/forth/sideways, jumpin up and down, and singing along (I’m glad I knew a lot of the lyrics to the songs). It was a side of me I never thought I’d show in public. I love the whole theme of everything, the props, “the internet”, the alien, the devil and angel, and god the interaction with the crowd. It was such a great performance and story playing out. I also loved the transition from WWIII to WW4, genius. I am glad I went to this tour cause I got the best of both TTMD and Mainstream, which are my favorites from him of course. So it truly was the best concert I could’ve gone to of his in my opinion, as it also had blackbear and iann.

I think what I loved most was that I got to be surrounded by people that share this common interest for MGK and his music, and this genre in general. A lot of us have obviously gone through dark times, struggles, conflicts, and are still going through it. I love how for one night, we can put that shit on hold and just have fun for those 4 hours, just this once at least. It boosted my serotonin to the highest it’s ever been in years... Thank you MGK and the fans that went. I can honestly say it was the best time of my life ever. I’ve never felt so alive, and I still think about the concert everyday since then. I was finally able to be myself for once. I’m going to try to make this serotonin last as long as I can.

6/7/2022

Yeah, I know. Another post about my sister. How repetitive can I get ? But before I get into that, on the weekend after my last post I got super drunk again. Yeah I should probably make a post about my alcoholism, but eh. This time though, in addition to the emo music I listen to while drunk, I started self-harming myself by hitting myself with a wrench multiple times every 5 minutes. Then the night after that, I did it with a wrench every 3 minutes and a ratchet each time I vomit. I would then wake up forgetting what happened the last night and in pain. I wish I did this ages ago.

Last Friday was a special day. It was my sister’s birthday. I didn’t want to get drunk that night, but considering the occasion I knew I had to. So in honor of her, I got even more drunk than usual and hit myself with a hammer multiple times every 3 minutes. Now that one definitely hurt a lot the next morning. But it still doesn’t compare to the pain that I feel every fucking day because of her. By the end of this month it’ll have been half a fucking year since it happened. Yet not a day goes by that I get any better from it. I sure fucking hope you’re having the best time of your damn life over there. The thing is, I know you are. That’s what you were doing even when we were still “talking” and that’s what you’ll definitely keep doing. So I hope you had a happy fucking birthday.

I opened this bottle of bourbon on the first weekend I self harmed with a wrench and now it’s already close to done. I don’t like the taste of bourbon, and it took ages for me to finish the first and second bottle, so it’s pretty crazy that I already am close to opening a fourth bottle. I have multiple bottles still that I bought last year and I can’t wait to finish them so I can move on to something else. Preferably something with a high ABV so it’s easier to get drunk with less. So far, this bourbon is the highest ABV I’ve had, with the second highest ABV being vodka. I did like soju a few years back, it’s not high in ABV but at least I’ll like it, perhaps downing a whole bottle will be enough to get drunk. It’s a long way till then though, I hope to finish up more bottles by fall/winter (if I’m still alive by then) so I can try something new.

5/27/2022

What am I doing ? I don’t know anymore. I know I continue to say the same old bullshit every time, because I can’t let go. I’m still devastated about my sister and Nirvana won’t talk to me. I’ve been talking to Faith and that’s really wonderful and all, but I still miss Sis and Nirvana. They mean way too much to me and are significant people to me. I can try to live as long as I can, but I know that it’s inevitable that I will die if I have to live a life without them. I don’t WANT to live a life without them. I feel that this life isn’t worth living without them, again no offense to Faith. They are in my mind constantly and it’s hard to come to terms with that I have to live without them, when I have already lost everyone else...

Last Saturday, I had another crisis where I resorted to overdosing again. But this time, I mixed in alcohol. The effects were far greater and longer lasting as one would expect. Lots of vomiting of course. I think what was better is that the effects started faster than usual thanks to the alcohol. The hallucinations were far more vivid, longer, and persistent. I honestly couldn’t sleep for hours and I think I had to trick myself into thinking I was sleeping till I realized I actually wasn’t. The effects lasted even all the way to morning as the hallucinations kept me in a loop. I tried to call someone that I trust to make sure if I was back to reality or still stuck in the hallucination. Of the very few people I tried, none of them answered. I think that was when I knew I was back to reality. I remembered I had no one.

5/17/2022

To be honest, not much has changed for me since the last time I posted. I was going to make this about my sister again, because I am still agonizing over that. But I don’t want to be too repetitive, even though I’m sure I already have. So I shall attempt to talk about something else.

Faith has been one of the best people I’ve befriended.  They are an edtwt mutual I talked about before. She’s super understanding and doesn’t judge me. She really gets me and helps me try to acknowledge that my problems are problems and I’m not imagining it. I’m also trying my best to understand her and be there for her, but I always feel like it’s not enough. She’s also worried about me when I am feeling reckless and she wants to make sure I’m safe. I am grateful for her, I really am and I don’t deserve her as a friend... She’s trying her best to recover and live her life to the fullest again, and I’m over here doing the opposite and I keep wanting to die. I feel bad. I’m trying my best to live, but it’s hard and my temptations get closer each time. Faith is one of the reasons why I keep trying to live longer, because trying to be there for her and being someone to her is one of my purposes of living at this point. I just wanna be somebody to someone. She has also expressed faith that the days will come where her and I will have better times and that we’ll get through our struggles. I personally don’t think those days will come for me. I lost it all. I believe that she can make it through though, I have that belief in everyone except myself. That’s just how I am.

As of late, Faith and I have interacted a lot and it’s been amazing. We even got to play some jigsaw puzzles together. It means a lot to me when someone I really care about jigsaw puzzles with me. I also don’t like doing jigsaw puzzles alone, but it’s hard to find someone to jigsaw with. So I’m super grateful and excited whenever someone does do a jigsaw puzzle with me. It’s also been one month since I last overdosed and tried to kill myself. So I’m one month overdose free, if that’s a thing. I don’t know how much longer I can last. Last night I was very tempted, but I did my best to control myself. The more I think about my sister and everything, the worse it gets. I don’t know what I’m going to do. Thank you Faith for helping me out in the time being.

5/7/2022

Earlier this week, I had a nightmare. All the people I ever loved or cared about were chasing me. I was constantly being grabbed, attacked, and yelled at. They kept wanting to cause me pain and suffering. They weren’t trying to kill me, they were keeping me alive just to keep inflicting more pain. I was scared and confused, eventually I ran to a dead end with some bars and they all surrounded me as I screamed. That was when I woke up all panicked and started crying. I lost them all in real life, yet still I continuously think about them during the day and now I’m dreaming about them again. I’m always hurt...

More than often lately, I’ve been thinking more about Sis. I still miss her, even further than before. I don’t know if normal people get over shit like this by now, but I can’t and it’s only getting worse. As each day passes, the intensity of the pain increases, because it hurts to know that it’s been 4 months and counting that they are gone. She meant so damn much to me, she really was a part of me, and now that part is gone. Now that part is just filled with misery, despair, and anger. The anger inside is due to how my darker side sees it. They see that she prevented my life choice, abandoned me knowing how much they meant to me, and now they get to live a more happy and joyful life while I am left alone and suffering. Then the sadness inside of me just really wishes she didn’t leave and is just upset at that. It wants me to kill myself solely for that reason, because what the fuck else is there to live for ?

On Thursday night, I had a dream that she was in specifically with some mutual friends of ours. We were in the car, having an adventure, having fun. I loved it, it felt like things were fine again, even if just more a moment. Slowly as the dream kept going, one by one each friend started disappearing. Eventually she was the only one left, but we still continued for as long we could. Then she disappeared and I woke up to cry again. I couldn’t go back to sleep, even if I wanted to. I sleep to escape the pain, but the pain pursues me in my dreams. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do, I don’t think there’s anything I can do but die at this point. Why did it have to be like this ?

4/27/2022

Ever since that night of the attempt, all of last week I had an intense crisis each night. Sleeping was harder than it already was, and the darkness around me felt like it was consuming me. It looked like she was really going to kill me each time and I couldn’t stop staring. I really want to die. I had no one to talk to...and Nirvana won’t talk to me. I keep getting lonelier and lonelier. There is no going back to my old life with those old friends. It hurts. It hurts so much.

On the weekend, a person I have been following on instagram since around Jan/Feb replied to me after I had no one else to go to. It meant a lot to me and they leave me tons of wonderful voice messages as they try to help. They go out of their way for a stranger like me, I am grateful. I always love their spiritual and peaceful vibe. It inspires me sometimes. This person I will refer to as Peace. Another person that talked to me is the edtwt mutual I mentioned in my last post. We’ve been interacting for a bit over a month at least now. They have also been a huge help and making me feel not alone. She and I have a bit in common I feel. I try my best to help and be there for her, I know she’ll make it through her struggles. That’s why I will refer to her as Faith. I’ll never lose faith in her, and I believe that she can make it through and live a happy life. Thanks to these two, I ended up finally having an alright night on Sunday and a better day on Monday, as I felt that I finally had a bit of serotonin for that day.

Last night, I ended up having another crisis and attack again. All I could think about was dying. But I know I’m afraid to do the deed myself. I want someone else to kill me, because I don’t have the guts to do it myself. I’m a coward, I know. I feel that if I do it myself, I have to do something that only requires just a few seconds of courage. Like going into oncoming traffic on a busy road or falling off from a high place. I know I’m destined to die. I know I can’t live this life. I keep thinking about my sister. I can’t and don’t want to live this life without her. I feel like when she left me, a huge part of me died. It’s been 4 months now and she’s not coming back. As more time passes, the more it hurts as it’s a reminder that she’s truly forgotten me more and more. I can’t handle these thoughts.

4/17/2022

I didn’t think I’d be here right now typing this. April 17th is a very significant day to me, it’s a day that I fear. This year I didn’t want to make it to April 17th...so last night I tried to double overdose (doing double my usual overdose amount). For the last week building up to this, I cut off ties with the last 1/3 of people I cared about. Near the end of last year, I cut off ties with 2/3 of them and failed to commit suicide. Then slowly I cut off more people from myself as I kept losing control. I know I don’t deserve them. One of my closest teachers was very distraught when they learned the truth about myself. I knew that once I cut ties with them, it really was over. I can’t go back to them anymore.

The effects came in a lot faster than last time, maybe because I also had barely ate that day. I felt drowsier than the other times. It all went so fast but was longer than I thought as I checked the time that had passed between my instagram stories. I had vomited so many times even though I didn’t want to, as I would expect that vomiting would save my life. My throat hurt so bad, so I drank a bunch of water, and within the next minute I was vomiting all that water out. I can’t even count the amount of times I threw up that night and it was spread out throughout the hours, even into 5AM. Throughout the whole time, I had felt so sick, lost control of my motion, shaking so hard, double vision, tachycardia, and thought I was going to choke on my own vomit. The room was spinning, and I barely felt any euphoria afterwards, even my overdose song wasn’t working out for me. I really thought it was going to be the end for me, but I kept vomiting despite holding it in. It’s funny, whenever I try to self-induce vomiting it’s so hard, but when near the verge of death, the body’s instincts kick in and force-vomit or something. My heart felt so bad, but it’s already broken.

Prior to the drugs taking effect, I was messaging one of my edtwt mutuals that knew what I was going through. They wanted me to be safe that night, they are wonderful. I had sent what I thought would be my last message to Nirvana, “I love you best friend. I know im horrible, yet you were there for me. You are the greatest person in the world to me.”. I had wanted to give her the final letters, but I knew she wouldn’t want to read them.

I woke up feeling so defeated. I don’t know what I’m going to do now, I was supposed to die, and people were likely expecting it and waiting for it to happen. I had spent this whole day resting and recovering which is lucky for me as I was barely conscious enough to feel traumatized about today. April 17th, 2015 was the day I was initially suppose to die back then, and then something else happened. It shouldn’t have happened, and I should have died back then, for the sake of everyone. I should’ve fucking died. I failed her too many times now.

4/7/2022

Last Saturday, I overdosed again. A different friend reached out for the first time, which was nice. I told them about their letter, but I think they’ll forget about it and never check it... which is a shame as they are one of the people I really wanted to see their letter. Anyways, the visions were nice as usual. If I had the money, I’d do this way more often. I just love everything about it. The loss of sensation, the feeling that I’m going to die, the hallucinations, the room spinning, my heartbeat rising, the song that I always play when I overdose, it’s all so wonderful. I wonder how much more my liver can take, because I’m guessing this is doing some sort of buildup damage.

Lately, I’ve been getting these visions of my past. Specifically, myself in the exact setting of some of the notable moments in my life that I can’t let go. The scenery changes, I see the exact spot where I was walking and standing, and I see “them”. All the bad feelings and memories keep coming back and rushing even harder than usual. I hate that one of those visions is of Sis. It was the last time I saw her before she abandoned me. Everyday I still think about it, and it hurts more each time. It’s been over 3 months now since it happened. Part of me still can’t believe that each day is passing by, and she’s not there anymore. It keeps reminding me that this really is the end.

Aside from all that, I’ve been doing well on not eating that much. I also slowly brought back my workout routine and drinking tons of tea to help. I love feeling my bones so much. At work, whenever I’m moving to do an action, it hurts and I feel my bones popping or something, even sneezing hurts. I guess with the combination of my overdosing and eating disorder, I’d get closer to death right ? I think I can get away with an accidental death.

3/27/2022

This is a short post, because of lethargy and asthenia. After a month of not drinking, I broke that on 3/21/2022. I even drank a mere few hours before work. I needed to ease the pain, I was desperate. I felt so dizzy and my movement was bad so quickly that I ended up sleeping on the floor. I also drank again on 3/26/2022. I needed to numb myself and have those drunk dreams where I can live a different life. I think there will be more drinking in the near future.

I also broke about 2 weeks of not overdosing at around 4AM this morning. My mind kept moving closer to the idea of just feeling that again. Not only that, the pain was getting worse emotionally and physically. I loved that feeling of not feeling my body, losing control of my limbs, and having to just lay down. I don’t think anything can ever beat that feeling... It’s when I finally feel most at peace. I know it’s dangerous, but who cares.

Finally, I am relapsing on my ED. Back to trying to barely eating to no eating. I feel that this time it’s more tied to my mood and my mental capacity, in which I just don’t have the energy to eat. Which is a bit ironic as food would perhaps give me energy. I just feel tired all the time and I’ve been mentally exhausting myself as well physically. With that said, I’m done typing.

3/17/2022

It’s been a long time since I last posted. I know I was supposed to post on the March 7th, but I really just wasn’t well enough to do so. I honestly forgot what I would’ve posted at that time, and what I should talk about right now. A lot has happened since my last post in terms of what I’ve been feeling and going through. There’s a new development in my life, but I want to talk about something else.

Now I will introduce one of the other three people that mean a lot to me. I’ve known them the longest. I had a hard time deciding on a nickname to refer to her as, I kept thinking this one wasn’t that good, but it’s the best and most fitting. This person will be referred to as Sis. That’s because she is a sister to me and I was a sister to her. I’ve known them for the longest out of the three people and interacted with them the most. She was the first that I told a lot of secrets to. She was aware of my “status” and mental state. At the end of last year, she removed/blocked from multiple platforms/connections, yet also kept added the others in our circle of friends. I was and still am absolutely devastated for the longest time since then, and January was really tough. I continuously kept thinking about her and I was losing my mind. I eventually got into overdosing as the best way to deal with the pain. I tried to start thinking about her less, but she would never completely leave my mind, and when I do think about her it hurts a lot. Our last conversation, it seemed like everything was all well...I never understood why she left. I mean I know I was a very dark and depressing friend, and that’s awful of me, but she knew that and had been used to it. I feel betrayed by my own sister, who knows what I was and am going through. During January, Nirvana also wasn’t talking to me, so I felt so lonely for a long time. The pain was too much.

Due to recent events with a friend that we were both connected to, I had messaged Sis about them as it was urgent. I did this using an alt account that I knew she didn’t block, but I never reached out because I respected her decision to remove me from her life. She then acknowledged she knew about the situation with our friend, but also started to say things about what happened... I lost my fucking mind. I couldn’t handle what she was saying and I felt so many fucking emotions, especially anger. I had to overdose that night. I was becoming more and more psychotic... I can’t believe what she said. It doesn’t make sense to me. I didn’t respond as I only messaged her for the sole purpose of informing her about our friend and that was it. But to think she had the nerve to say what she said after 2 months... what the fuck. It was painful to read that and I only wanted to keep overdosing till death. Just writing this and thinking about it again hurts. So for now, I’m ending it here. Sorry.

2/27/2022

A lot has happened since my last post. Remember my last post about wanting to feel that close to death again ? Yeah, I did it two more times. During the vomiting phase, I obviously felt and thought “I don’t want to do this again”, but then after the vomiting part I feel that sense of euphoria and lost control of my mind and body. I know it’s not just feeling good because I’m not dying/vomiting, it’s pure just feeling good from the effects for sure. I also plan to do it again tonight after watching the season 2 finale of Euphoria. I don’t know how much more my body can take of this and I am guessing this definitely isn’t healthy even if I do survive each time I do it. This will probably slowly deteriorate me until I get to a point where I may not make it out. We will have to see. Also on the same day as my last post, I told many people that I have less than two months to interact with them because well reasons.

Surprisingly, today was a bit of a recovery day for me mentally. I talked to a past teacher and initially I told them I don’t want to say anything about how I’m doing and I just want to listen to them. I just want to listen to hear about their life and what’s new with them and anything else other than me. I often do this as a way to distract myself and have someone talk to me like a regular person. For the most part, I got to know more about them and what’s been going on in their life. They didn’t get to know my current state really, but I did end up reading them the letters I wrote for them. Which is crazy as I left a bunch of these letters to people and sever my connection to them. It was interesting to hear someone’s actual thoughts about what I wrote, albeit cringe that I verbally read it to them and what I wrote was very shitty writing. Just like this blog. I don’t know why I did what I did, but I guess I was trying something. I still kept a lot about my life private as much as they pried. Overall, I think it was better for me with that talk.

The most surprising thing was that one of the three people that meant the most to me finally talked to me this year. From this point on and for privacy purposes, I will refer to her as Nirvana. Nirvana has helped me through a lot last year and the last time she talked to me was on 12/31/2022. I asked if I could talk to her in January which led to no reply, and I assumed she was done with me. I sent a message about a week ago which also led to no reply. The thing, she is the one person I’ve probably told the most truth about to, so I am desperate to talk to her but I know I don’t deserve her help or attention. I did give in today and was prepared to send three messages that acknowledged I’m glad to just be able to send her anything at all, my close death encounter, how I wish I was her and more. But after sending the first message, she responded back only two minutes later which shocked me. I didn’t get to tell her about my close death encounter even though I feel it’s crucial as I really feel the need to tell someone as I think it’s not something I should keep to myself. I feel that I NEED someone I trust to know. But I didn’t want to kill the mood and she wanted me to stop being bad for like 10 seconds. We started talking good stuff for the most part and I’m glad we did. It was helping towards my mental recovery for a bit. At this point, this was “good me”, because I know that “bad me” will still happen later and I apologized in advance for it. The thing about me is that I’ll be good for a while or switch between “good me” and “bad me”. I don’t do it intentionally and it’s just that I really can’t control myself and I am that reckless. I know I sound ridiculous and idiotic but yeah...

With all that said, I still am going to do it again tonight. The only difference is that this is still “good me” that is actually fully aware of what I’m doing. So perhaps in the end I am right about the one thing I told everyone. I’m a bad person. I’m that fucked up. The thing is, I like how I feel and who I am when I do it. I now know why people do these bad things. As a kid, I always thought I’d never do these type of things, and I’m doing the exact opposite now. I’ve definitely became the person that no one thought I would be. I am grateful and glad that Nirvana talked to me again after so long. I really thought she wasn’t going to ever talk to me again. I don’t know what I’m going to do come April 15th, I have until then to try to change my life around I guess. Tomorrow I also plan to talk to that friend of Joy’s about Joy and how and what we knew of them during their life. I have to think of a name to refer her as, but until then I’m done writing. I hope I survive until then.