MY BURNING HANDS.

with his promotions for mmmh ending just a few days prior, ting was able to dedicate all of his time to unity once again. the boys were in the process of slowly but surely recording all of the music for their next upcoming release. dimensions wanted them to have two more comebacks before the year closed out, which would be quite a lot to swing in less than six months, but he knew that they would be able to do it. or he hoped they would be able to do. 

regardless, the mandatory volunteer service that the idols had to uphold had taken ting away from his unity-related responsibilities for the day, which he didn’t really mind. especially because this time around, they would be volunteering at the animal shelter. being the animal lover that he was, ting was absolutely ecstatic to spend the day with a bunch of furry, little creatures. he’d always wanted a pet, whether it be a cat or a dog or something of the sort, but his parents never let him have one. and he had moved to korea to become a trainee at the age of ten, so he’d never had a chance to adopt a pet. now that he was living on his own, he was heavily considering taking the leap and becoming a pet dad. 

he wouldn’t consider himself the type of person who leaned towards being a dog lover over a cat lover, and vice versa. he liked both quite equally. which was why he didn’t mind being sent over to keep the cats entertained instead of the dogs. he had been in the midst of having two cats playfully attack him and his hands when jihan spoke. he turned his head towards the other idol, raising an eyebrow at the words spoken. “why would you take being a cat over being a dog? not that that’s a bad thing, i’m just curious.”

"Independence most of all, I guess?” Jihae didn’t dare look up, not when their answer applied to far more than just a question about hypothetical shapeshifting into a cat. “They’re both domesticated, but I feel like cats hold onto doing what they want more than dogs.” They picked the grey tabby up, the small animal finally having gotten to the worm now gnawing on the toy. “Plus, they sleep more, right?” 

Finally feeling confident enough in their conversation to lift their gaze, seeing Guanting surrounded by kittens prompted a smile. Jihae was just as surprised about it as anyone else might’ve been, but it was hard not to find the image of a tall man surrounded by tiny cats at least somewhat endearing. “I have a dog and I love her a lot,” they added. I love her a lot might be somewhat of an understatement, Jihae rarely posted on social media if it wasn’t to send updates about Moomin, his samoyed. 

If the shelter staff tasked with shepherding their particular batch of idols today had caught onto the fact that Jihae was almost falling asleep, they had the generosity not to remark on it. Having returned from Osaka just in time to be shuffled off to volunteer work they still felt the odd weight that came with frequent travels in their bones, leaving them worm and glad that for most of the part all they had to do was trail after staff and assist them. 

They’d never considered themselves much of an animal person altogether, even having grown up with a dog and owning one themselves now. Having been sent off to a corner to make sure the kittens they’d been put in charge of had decent distraction and amusement they wondered a little why. Spending time with animals was oddly healing in a way they hadn’t anticipated. Maybe it was the kittens that had ultimately prompted them to speak up and seek a conversation in the end.

( … )

“exactly!” yuanjun beamed, his smile stretching across his entire face. he liked that jihae could get behind his vision on the matter. he didn’t need anyone’s approval of course, yuanjun was chaotic stupid by nature, if he wanted a bazillion little colorful tattoos he would, but it was nice that jihae seemed to latch onto the same idea he had in his head almost instantaneously. “i’ll be the coolest fifty year old ever!” his smile softened, more genuine but still as warm as jihae carefully brought up jaeyeol. “i mean, fair enough. matching tattoos aren’t a rite of passage anyway and you two are very new still, no need to decide on this stuff now.” he lightly nudged them with his elbow. “but you got options you know, you can get things matching in semantics but different in style. or just, get tattoos together eventhough they’re totally unrelated, you’ll still think of him when you see it.”  yuanjun smiled. “though i just got lucky that hyunsoo makes big concessions for me, our tattoo doesn’t really blend in with the rest of his ink but that’s just my irresistible charm i think.” he winked at jihae. “don’t break your pretty over it yeah hae? you don’t have to know just yet. you can wake up at literally any point and decide to do something together with jaeyeol. and if you don’t, that’s also fair.”

“Slow down, Claude von Riegan, you know me, fire is never really acceptable with me,” Jihae shot back with a smile. Their fear of fire wasn’t a secret, they were past the point where they worried about ridicule. Yuanjun knew their limits, knew how much they could take in that regard. And that being said, even if this wasn’t hypothetical, Jihae’s trust was something that was dearly paid for in advance but once established, it was unconditional. For people like Yuanjun, Jaeyeol, Max or Jeonghwa they might just push themselves to be that extra bit brave, that extra bit fearless that they could never muster for themselves.

Even though they’d been just talking about it the touch took them a little aback and for a moment Jihae shrank away from it before hurriedly reaching out, fingers brushing against Yuanjun’s in a quiet, apologetic gesture. “My offer stands even if you change your mind later,” they replied. “There’s no expiry date for a helping hand.” Looking at their own collection of ink Jihae recalled a fair amount of them having been at least somewhat painful. They’d never taken anyone along to get inked so far, scheduling had never worked out in their favour. Falling back on someone else’s support, at least to the prideful, stupid part of them, felt like a cop-out now that it was an option. They’d managed before, why should they need help now? Shaking their head as if to dispel the nagging sense of shame, Jihae managed a tense smile. “Thank you. I’ll get back to you if needed,” they promised. “Collarbone shouldn’t be too bad.”

“You’d be the coolest fifty-year-old anyway, tattoos or no,” they argued, grinning. Their strange mood faded quickly after their pride had nothing to feel attacked by any longer. “Well. Second-coolest. I signed a blood pact with Jiyong back when we shared a womb and stuff, you get me.” They shrugged. “But you can have second place.” Thinking about getting something inked with Jaeyeol was both terrifying and somewhat giddying. Collecting tattoos had been something Jihae had eventually stumbled into out of love for the art and sharing something like it with their boyfriend was an exciting thought, even if right now it still overwhelmed them. “Yeah, there’s no hurry. I know. I just feel like now that things have… changed… that we have to change too. Stupid.” They shrugged. “Plus, I know that’s something that ultimately won’t change unless if I address it with him directly.” They sighed and leaned back a little, long legs unfurling as if to push away their insecurities.

pragmatic? maybe, but that’s only what his career has ever been based off in a series of manners and exchanges embedded in every one of his thoughts without a second thought — he’s a walking, programmed robot by bc’s standards.

but it’s never fallen short of expectation, so it continues by the time taejin glosses over a gaze and offers condolences in the only way he can — a makeshift grin, and a tip off of a nod. “no need to really get down, it’s a live — the worst to come is a slip of your tongue, which you can remedy with an oops and a sheepish smile. the fans are more understanding than you think.” not like he knows from experience when decipher’s squeaky clean frame heaves a greater burden of suppositions. but that’s all he’s ever been, following black and white against the rules of do’s and do not’s. by now, taejin seems himself as enough of an expert to forcibly handle any situation presented. 

taejin takes his smile, pulls it up higher and slowly with jihae’s answer. it doesn’t stray far from the status quo — easy, and good. a valid answer that comes in collective thinking, more coherent than he’d ever manage to concoct right then on the spot. 

when the tides turn and he holds the question against his own train of thought — taejin pauses. purses his lips for long enough that the silence hits a beat, and his eyes rove over the lines of comments, one piling after the other. “hm..” he starts off, “i’m not sure i’d give as well-spoken of an answer than jihan, but i’m going to attempt.” at this point, it’s all about playing to the game — playing the role of the idol star gazing in modesty, and he fine tunes that to a point. “i’d say, my role on stage is taejin, an idol. a leader. most times, i think more about the steps and the vocal execution, making sure to present a certain degree of excellence to the audience’s expectations. i don’t want to let you all down.” laughter catches his words before he can cuff his thoughts, he lets it all slide with the crease of his eyes and a wide-berth grin. “but acting, i’d say i’m no longer kim taejin. i’m taking in a role of somebody else, where i have to adapt their mannerisms and characterizations. no longer about how the public perception takes it in or how the audience watching might react, it’s about staying true to my take on how i see the character, their quirks and all.”

Being in the public eye always came with this weird position of both having to keep in mind that audiences were never just one mass but many individuals with their own minds and feelings. Striking the right balance between acknowledging and respecting their audience’s intelligence and taking account of the inherent stupidity of mob mentality at the same time was difficult and Jihae still wasn’t sure they knew how to navigate that space. 

It was hard not to visibly relax after being able to hand off the question. Jihae hadn’t found it horribly difficult to answer but it felt good to be rid of at least some of the responsibility, to lean back and listen instead. They were genuinely interested in what Taejin had to say but they just as much enjoyed a moment where they didn’t have to scour their brain for the most well-spoken answer they could manage.

— or: seven songs Jihae wishes they were releasing instead of ‘Dynamite’

In light of Dynamite releasing soon-ish in universe and Jihae’s disdain for the song I figured it’d only be fair to also showcase songs they very much would love to be releasing and would enjoy performing—they’re not a total grump! Not all of these songs are title tracks and the selection takes things like choreography and concepts into account, rather than just be based on the message the lyrics convey and what the song sounds like (though knowing Jihae a lot of it does rest on sound specifically). 

There are quite a few songs on this list that I assume will eventually go on to become part of in-universe discographies but since they’re all currently unreleased I will be using their original artists in the listing! The song titles all link to either music or performance videos, since I think they might illustrate the reasonings better than just listening to them alone.

now haneul had to admit that jihan wasn’t wrong, they were collages gave him a proud feeling inside, origin were famous not only on a domestic level but on a worldwide level; vive being pushed this way even though they were only temporary, meant something important. it was a huge thing to be considered a colleague and hoobae group of them, “oh i dragged him along with me to the beach, ” he nodded with an amused expression, “ though neither of us knew where the beach was, whoever invented google maps deserve some sort of award! ”

listening to the older speak, haneul could only nod along to the memories; he had been scared of evaluations in the tart as well but he got over it quickly, when he got the hang of them and got acknowledged by the coaches. there was something competitive about it all and haneul was a competitive person; sometimes to a fault, “ i know what you mean but i got over it fast, i was a trainee for four years and there were always new challenges, so it wasn’t too bad. ” jihae nudges him and haneul smiles bashfully, “ thank you but i still have many things to learn and improve on, ” though he was also aware of how good he was, he knew that he would never be perfect.

“ oh that is right, they do have some rock elements; there are many songs that would sound good with rock elements i am sure, maybe we’ll get to do a rock concept in the future. ”

the mood went down a little, and it had been his fault he was sure but haneul didn’t know what he had done and now he felt bad but he felt somewhat relieved when jihae spoke again. his eyes brightened back up and once again, compliments were coming out of the older’s mouth. wondering where all the praise came from, it felt good receiving it; like his efforts were being recognized. for his group he was pushing himself, it was for his group that haneul wanted to do as many schedules as he could for everyone in his group to be recognized, not only him.

“ thank you, really, ” haneul looks at jihae with a content expression, a warm smile growing on his face as he contemplates more on his thoughts, “ it would be nice if i could stand on stage with you one day, i think that would be neat! ”

“I think if I were your manager this would be my cue to start breaking out in stress hives,” Jihae mused, leaning back as they relaxed listening to Haneul. “Right! We learnt how to read maps in elementary school back home, mandatory part of geography classes. But I’ve grown so used to having Naver Map or any kind of GPS on hand, I probably would take far too long to figure things out now. How long did it take you two in the end?”

Maybe it was because Jihae had quickly become the type to be competitive with themselves rather than trying to outdo others—or only outdo others—but to them, evaluations had always been a place of humiliation. They didn’t remember ever garnering that much praise as a trainee, though they must’ve had to one way or another. Why else would they have been let onto the roster for Who’s Next at fifteen? But if the coaches hadn’t picked them apart they’d always been far too eager to take silence as an expression of mediocrity, to go at themselves with the intent to demolish any of their own accomplishments until they couldn’t do anything but throw themselves viciously back into practice. It had been destructive back then already and thinking of it now it felt like it had taken them far too long to realize that. At fifteen, they’d romanticized that kind of stance and part of them still felt the need to hold themselves to these same unhealthy standards lest they wanted to stagnate for good.

“Four years is quite a while,” they agreed with a tired smile. “And yeah, you do, but then again, so do I. That’s both the beauty and the horror of art, there’s always a way something could’ve been done better. Just don’t forget to acknowledge the things you’ve done well too, yeah? Working hard is good but it won’t feel as fulfilling if you never get to acknowledge your progress.”

famedkrp fan sign meme

send a number for the question to be answered with an in-character response in the context of a post-it note or a verbal question from a fan at a group or solo fan sign. the answer given to the fan does not have to be entirely honest and should be public image appropriate. the intention of the meme is to explore a muse’s public image and interactions with fans! many of these questions were taken from real life idol-fan fan sign interactions.

please tag answers with #fmdmeme002. every 6 questions answered with a minimum of four sentences can count for 2 points on your points tracker (please link the fmdmeme002 tag on your blog to validate the points on your tracker) up to a maximum of 10 points. each question may only count toward points once.

please do your best to send a message to everyone who reblogs the meme and if someone sends you a number or numbers, please send some back to them. you must be sending numbers to other members if others have reblogged the meme recently to collect your points.

what is your goal for this year/next year?

what song would you want to sing to or play for someone you like?

what’s your favorite scent?

if you spent one day with a fan, where would you go and what would you do?

what new concept do you want to try showing fans?

which girl group do you like the most recently?

which boy group do you like the most recently?

what soloist do you like the most recently?

what song have you been listening to a lot that you would recommend to fans?

what is your most used app?

what should someone do to win your heart?

what do you want for your next birthday?

what do you consider to be your most charming feature/trait?

what is your favorite flavor of ice cream?

how should i ask out the person i like?

what’s the secret behind your good looks?

what do you think of fans of the same gender as you?

what is the most recent thing that made you happy?

what is your happiness level these days on a scale from 0 to 100?

can you give some inspiring words for someone going through a hard time?

what words of advice would you give to someone studying for their college exam?

give yourself a percent ranking from 0 to 100 in the following categories: cute, cool, and sexy.

what place do you want to travel to the most?

what language would you like to learn?

what is the first thing you think of when someone mentions your fans?

what is your favorite movie/book you’ve seen/read recently?

what are your recent wishes?

what are the requirements for your ideal type?

what job would you want if you weren’t an idol?

hearing the older say they weren’t big on formalities made haneul feel odd, it was comfortable in a way since it meant he could address the older however he liked but at the same time it felt weird; haneul was korean after all, so it’d feel unnatural to drop them completely even if he understood the reasoning; he would feel odd not addressing the older as one or the other, “ j-jihae then, ” even if it felt weird it also felt rather honored to be on a first-name basis with the other.

haneul shifted his eyes bashfully at the mention of vive’s schedule, it was true they were busy he had said so himself but hearing it like that made it feel bigger than it initially had done, “ you could say that. ” if haneul thought about it, vive as a group had pretty big shoes to fill— if they were to follow into origin’s footsteps at all, it was understandable that gold star wanted to push them but at the same time, haneul wondered when he would be able to have a full night’s sleep again, “ it was fun to visit the us, the first time vive were in the us it was for the festival… in the desert but i don’t count that as visiting really. this time, me and kyubok went and looked around, we filmed something as well so we got to experience quite a bit. ”

“ no, i have not had a solo stage like this, i did for my trainee evaluations but never like this. it was rather intimidating. ” haneul laughs, rubbing the back of his neck with a bashful expression still on his face.

rock. that would indeed be an interesting genre to see in the scene, “ i don’t think there are many groups that have done a pop-rock song properly yet? if i’m not mistaken, it’d be cool to see one day,” it felt rather awkward for him to be this casual with the older but haneul was sure, with time he might just get used to it. haneul took a sip of his drink before looking back at jihan as they spoke.

“ eh? ” he blurted with wide eyes at the sudden mention of his own performance, haneul took both his hands laced the fingers behind his head and bit his lip as he tried to hold back his smile at the praise. haneul hadn’t expected to hear that from the older, “ thank you. ” it was genuine, everything about his reaction was genuine; “ it’s not awkward at all, i’m honored that you think so,” he nods but haneul was painfully aware about what many of their fans and the public thought, that him and kyubok were rigged into the group, a frustrating thing really but hearing jihan compliment him now, made him feel like that wasn’t the truth at all, “ it does mean a lot coming from you.”

Nodding encouragingly, Jihae smiled. “Sorry, I know it’s not really the standard here and stuff. But we’re probably going to see a lot of each other again going forward, so we might as well get comfortable, right?” Sometimes erasing these societal boundaries the way Jihae tried to rubbed people the wrong way and they got why, they did, so seeing Haneul react seemingly positively was a huge relief already.

The festival hadn’t really felt like visiting to Jihae either, truth be told. In part because they’d been too busy sulking about how tired they were and had mainly focused on their assigned activities and actual festival performances, in part because the time they’d had off they’d either napped or spent basking in the bliss of actually having a boyfriend now. Even though them missing out on what the festival could’ve offered was their own doing, it felt reassuring to hear Haneul felt similarly about it. “Where did you go?” they asked, trying not to let it show that the mention of Kyubok’s name still brought on a flood of guilt. Kyubok was fine, clearly, he’d probably moved on a long time before they’d broken up for real. He and Haneul’d had a great time exploring the US. There was literally no reason for Jihae to feel anything other than excitement for Haneul, actually, who they were talking to right now.

“I was always so scared of trainee evaluations,” they admitted with a sheepish chuckle. “Used to get suuuper nervous. And then we debuted and eventually started getting solo stages for performances and I felt silly looking back. But you’ve done it now! And all of the things you’ve learnt on stage you’ll be able to carry onward!” Jihae gently nudged Haneul’s elbow with their own. “You’re already so good, just wait until you really get a hang of it all.”

Jihae sure would love if Origin could go down a more rock-focused path but quite honestly, with how the trajectory of their releases was going none of that was very likely. “I think Charm, Alien and Mars have a few more rock-leaning songs, no? Honestly, if you adapted the instrumentalization I think Mars’ Valkyrie would actually make a great rock song!” Excited to get to slip in a mention of their favourite group, Jihae beamed. “And, well. Then there’s Lucid, that’s part of their entire thing. Maybe it’s more of a Dimensions thing, who knows…”

Dynamite was a fun song. Putting all his hesitance for the language and the push towards the western industry aside, the song itself was a nice change. The choreo was fun and light, nothing as harsh and strenuous as their other releases, which meant a break for the non-dancers to not slave away. Considering they were also touring while preparing for this it was probably for the best.

Did it stop Max from striving for anything less but perfection? Not really. 

Finding himself in the practice room with Jihae was a familiar scene. One that brought him a sense of comfort no matter how tired his muscles and bones were. The squeak of their sneakers against the ground as they ran through the choreo again and again filled him with a sense of purpose, of drive. Another song, another choreo, another preparation for something that their fans would hopefully come to love. 

And just like usual it was also Jihae that talked some sense into Max. Demanding a break with no room left for discussion had the dancer blink out of his razor sharp focus, leaving the blond to look lost for a solid ten seconds. “Ah… okay… fairs. Are you okay?” Always more concerned about them instead of himself he walks straight to their bags to toss Jihae a water bottle.

The fact that Dynamite was a little easier on everyone as far as choreography went had been a huge relief to Jihae. Sure, they’d managed much juggling much harder songs with touring before but maybe it was the long time doing so that had worn them down so much. Looking back, they had no idea how they’d managed to learn Black Swan, On and keep up with Origin’s very abroad-focused schedules the way they had. Maybe, a few months from twenty-four, the so-called golden maknae was, at last, getting old.

“I’m fine,” they huffed and kicked lightly at Max’s foot. “But I won’t be if you make me go for much longer, I need a break.” Dynamite was meant to be breezy and upbeat and sure, Jihae could do that but they had no clue how Origin’s main dancers made the lightness in their movements look so natural. At the stage they were at their own dancing still either dipped into too intense or lacking enough force and maybe more than needing a break for physical reasons, Jihae really needed a moment not to grow too frustrated.

this experience was a first for him, shooting a commercial without his members and having solo activities— something about it felt incredibly surreal. looking back at his performance of ’ danger ’ ( which was honestly a bold move ), it had gone over rather successfully. he’d enjoyed the performances of the senior artists as well. it was an honor to stand on the same stage as them.

july was an hectic month for vive and haneul, they had been what felt like all over the us— then come back to korea only to practice choreography for multiple different songs. then to top it all off, haneul had to prepare for this project— he was grateful for the opportunity though, he was just incredibly tired.

he tried to hide it to the best of his abilities but jusst as he was trying to hide a yawn, he heard a familiar voice and turned to look up at the senior idol— mid-yawn he stood up but at the same time tried to show his respects, so he shook his head and bowed “sunbae-nim,,” he said and bowed quickly at the older. haneul smiled widely at the male, gesturing for him to sit next to him, “please sit,” he nods and waits for the older to sit down, “ thank you, it was an experience that was for sure. ”

haneul sat down again and took a sip of his glass of water ( he had schedules after so no alcohol for him ) — “ having a solo schedule is new yes, but we were in the us for the first half of july performing in concert venues there, so not completely foreign.”

“ your solo stage was also very cool, ” he nods and smiles over at jihae, haneul was for the most part only close with max from origin— though he knew of jihae and respected the older alot, he had never really had much opportunity to get to know him, from his trainee days he could remember that kyubok and jihae were close but since coming back they had all been so busy with their schedules.

Settling into their seat, Jihae tried a more confident smile. “I– I’ll blame it on me being born abroad, I’m not hugely into being called hyung but you don’t have to be so formal with me, yeah? Plus, right now we’re colleagues first, senior and junior second.” It wasn’t all a lie, Jihae understood the importance of adhering to societal norms where they lived but seniority culture had taken a lot to get used to. That, and the gendered nature of it was a stomach ache and a half, but that wasn’t really a conversation they deemed fit for this environment or someone they’d only really gotten to know over the timeframe of working on the Colla3orate project together. 

“Four months in and you’re already being shipped off to concerts? Lady Bang is brutal…” Thinking of their own experiences touring, Jihae felt for Vive—yes, even for Kyubok. They grimaced and gave Haneul a stiff but sympathetic smile. “I hope you enjoyed yourself touring! I admittedly am not super into it, I get homesick real quick–” They laughed, tried to pretend like their embarrassment didn’t irritate them as much as it did, “so staying away from home for long always feels strange to me.” They shrugged. “So you’ve had solo stages for these performances as well?”

yuanjun grinned in amusement. “honestely, i doubt i’m the ceo type but if it is to stick it to kim byungchul, i will make that sacrifice.” he puffed out his chest proudly like it was some big achievement. “i might not have anything to say within bc but i sure as hell can be a major nuisance and isn’t that what truly matters?”

truth be told, yuanjun had not actually considered the placement of his tattoo and how much it would possibly hurt, which probably was a very yuanjun thing to not take into consideration. instead, he went in blind, if it hurt, it would hurt and then it’d be over, no use in sweating it. “i’m a big boy, i can take it.” squaring his shoulders briefly before laughing. “no, but really, i got this. it’s just a small tattoo anyway and well, if i am a baby about it you’re free to laugh at me and film it, use it as blackmail material or something.” 

over the years, he had seen all of jihae’s tattoos at some point sooner or later, slowly watching their little collection expand. “they’re cool though, i like your tattoos, they suit you.” he nodded lightly. “you’re right, i didn’t really use to think they were for me personally.” it was something yuanjun had often said when admiring one of their tattoos. “but i guess it kind of boiled down to me not knowing a whole lot about it. i always thought of big, dark toned pieces whenever i thought about tattoos. those aren’t really for me, but i like small stuff, colorful stuff. took a while to realize that was an option i guess.” he beamed at their comment, turning his arm to look at the little key tattoo just below the crook of his elbow. “thanks, heh, i like it a lot,  even if it had to be really small, not attracting any attention and all that.”

"I love you but I feel like you’d be the type of CEO everyone loves but who also accidentally sets the company on fire.” Jihae grinned. It wasn’t like they’d make a better replacement for Bang Sunyoung, though, so maybe all this conversation really went to show was that Yuanjun was probably best off when he was the only one following the trail he blazed for himself and that Jihae would make for a pretty sorry excuse of a leader. “Maybe the world needs a little fire though, agreed. To make sure the people in power don’t get too complacent.”

Hearing Yuanjun call himself a big boy, even if they knew it wasn’t meant literally, prompted a badly concealed giggle. Their friend was a great deal of things, many flattering ones among them but in all neutrality, nothing about Yuanjun was particularly big—other than his penchant to get himself into trouble, probably. Still, if he thought he could handle it it wasn’t really up to Jihae to patronize him. “Alright. If you ever change your mind, even if you can handle, I’ll be here though, yeah?” Were they in a bigger group, they probably would’ve played off the blackmail joke a little more but when it was just the two of them, Jihae found it hard to be particularly biting with him. Yuanjun had seen far too many unflattering and vulnerable sides of them to be fooled by much posturing anyway, so what was the point?

WORD COUNT: 507 words SUMMARY: Jihae sings to the stars.  NOTES: Music reference. Not sure what this is, I’m tired and not that well but I wanted to put it out before I lose motivation for it again. Here goes Jihae’s solo performance at the Seoul mini-concert. I’m leaning onto the fact that they’ve rapped for official Origin releases in the past so I’m pretending they can shoulder Cya’s lines too. Please don’t shatter my illusion, thank you <3 Word count, as always, doesn’t account for the lyric snippet at the end.

Choosing the song wound up being possibly the hardest part about the entire solo stage process. Once they’d settled on what to sing Jihae had quickly come to the conclusion that despite their relative skill when it came to dance performances they’d rather focus on something vocal-driven. They were far from the most remarkable singer in the industry, they knew better than to listen to eager fan voices praising them into the sky, but they did know they were good enough to be able to carry a performance with their voice alone and for this time, it would have to be enough.

when yuanjun had asked his manager for permission, the woman had given him a tired look, reminding him that he had just gotten a tattoo. in return, yuanjun had pointed out that it was tiny, that it hardly counted as a tattoo anyway.

he got his way in the end and before he knew, yuanjun found himself in the waiting room of some tattoo studio. it wasn’t the same one where he had gotten his first one, this time following along with jihae’s recommendation for a tattoo artists. yuanjun trusted them to know more about this stuff than he did anyway.

“yeah i’m excited!” perhaps that wasn’t all that telling of a statement, yuanjun was always excited, that seemed to be his default mood. “what can i say, i do love getting the upperhand over byungchul.” yuanjun grinned broadly. sure, it was only a small victory (quite literally) but it was a victory nonetheless, he’d take that for what it was. “it’s going on my ankle!” he leaned down to tap the spot, only just aside of his heel on his right side. “you’ve been here a couple of times already no? your how manieth tattoo is this gonna be again?”

Jihae didn’t even bother to suppress their snort but in a faint attempt at being respectful towards Kim Byungchul, father of 50% of all evil in the industry they were aware of, they did try to mask their laugh behind a hand. “Just watch out, one day you’ll suddenly be running BC without even noticing it,” they mused and tugged absent-mindedly at the collar of their shirt.

“Ankle? Brave.” Jihae had heard a bunch of horror stories about ankle tattoos, the most recent one coming from their little sister. “Think you’re gonna need to hold hands through the pain? As in, genuinely. Heard that stuff hurts quite a bit.” Being asked about their own collection of tattoos their eyes almost automatically flitted to whatever ink was visible from underneath their tee sleeves. “I- uh. I think it’s… my sixth? Seventh? I’ve had them all for a while now, it’s gotten to a point where I sometimes forget they’re there if I can’t see them.” They shrugged. “Depends on what you count as a separate tattoo, too. But I think I’ve been pretty tame so far.”

Being the incorrigible introvert they were a meal after a concert was the definition of everything Jihae didn’t want to have to deal with. Still, faces had to be upheld and as much as they tried to convince themselves that they weren’t really bothered by what others thought of them they knew it to be a lie and thus they’d put on their best fake smile, brought their most comfortable clothes to wear after the performance and braved their discomfort.

The atmosphere in the restaurant, at least, felt light-hearted and euphoric after a job well done rather than awkward and when they slid into place at a table that still had an empty place to offer, some of their trepidation had already melted off their shoulders. Their eyes nervously scanned the table trying to puzzle together who they were able to small talk with the most confidently before deciding that Haneul, the person they were seated to the next, was probably their easiest bet.

“Good work today,” they praised a little awkwardly, a small smile on their face. “I– uh. I realize that might sound a little patronizing, I promise I don’t mean for it to be. But I had fun working with you and your solo stage was really good–” They cut their rambles off, eyes returning to staring holes into the table. Jihae never quite knew how to talk to the members of Vive, not when part of them always worried about how much they knew about what had gone on between them and Kyubok. Haneul, most of all, had trained under the same company and might know and that thought was terrifying to them, not just because it represented a liability but because it meant not being able to safely assess how Haneul might feel about them at all.

It was only when their leaden limbs finally started catching up with them that Jihae finally, for what felt like the first time since starting to rehearse Dynamite, felt satisfied. Not with the song, mind you, they still weren’t a huge fan and likely would never be, but at least with their own work. The pieces were starting to fall into place, shifting and turning to fit, their movements starting to take their own flavour rather than just mirroring what their choreographer and Origin’s main dancers were doing.

taejin collects the modesty of holding a weight with his own sympathetic perch of a grin, his eyes following closely suit as one leg crosses over the other. “you’re not a burden here — don’t worry, and it’s always good to be nervous. means that you at least care enough to want to do a good job. it’s nothing to get worked that much over about, really.” he replies, and in the years of coming by rookies and established idols, he’s learned by now, it’s the only help he can offer.

because there’s no point in promising rose-blinded optimism and false promises that he’s certain of success. his own years have only turned him more bitter towards the response from the anonymous faces and the sea of comments. yet, he know he doesn’t want to bear the wave of pressures, not when he’s sitting tall as the older figure amongst the two.

so, kim taejin keeps the positive light shown, his eyes lighting up with a joviality keeping still till the camera starts, and the silence breaks with jihae’s own greetings. “hello, i’m kim taejin of decipher. so, send your questions away!” his voice lilts into an eerie sense of welcoming, a tone of warm colors and vibrant intonation while his eyes peek down at the field of comments in-between the glances towards his side. “jihan — i’m glad you’re here alongside me to answer these questions. i see a lot of questions about how it feels different performing on stage versus acting in a role, do you want to answer first?” 

The way Taejin puts it feels like a small epiphany to Jihae. They’re not used to looking kindly at themselves like this, even if were the roles reversed they probably wouldn’t think much of it to begin with. But sometimes all it takes to lighten the burdens they stubbornly put onto themselves is a few polite, encouraging words from someone they look up to. “It isn’t,” they agree, it’s just a livestream. “You’re right. I’m used to getting down on myself for these things but the way you put it, it’s–” they pause, looking for a word that feels right. “It’s a pragmatic way to look at it.” Jihae smiled. “Thank you.”

They may not have been in business for as long as Taejin but after eight years, Jihae slips into the lull of work rather quickly. This too is performing and even though at thirteen, entering the trainee circuit, they hadn’t accounted for the work that idols did outside of just singing and dancing it had forcibly become second nature too. They nod at the question, inhaling as they scour their mind for the right words to describe the sensation. They’re not here to alienate their fans and make them feel like all they offer on stage is pretend (even if a lot of it is) but what help will their answer be if they’re not truthful about some of the aspects of it either?

“I think some artists also take roles to enrich their performances,” they preface carefully, “to embody thoughts and feelings they might not have access to as themselves. I’ve found that for a lot of standing on stage as an idol I try to take what I think are my best qualities and show them to the world, if that makes sense? I’m here to entertain and give our audience an escape from reality.” They hesitate, think over what to say next for a moment as they gnaw on their bottom lip. “Taking a role for a show is less about taking just one thing and amplifying it and more about portraying a whole person, including the sides of them that you might not see on camera, if that makes sense? To me, a performance is about taking one or a handful of emotions and conveying them in a way that will reach the audience. A role in a drama—or on stage, I assume—is about creating the feeling of a different person.”